Background:
I was once travelling on an intercontinental flight a few years back before the pandemic hit our life and economy. I had the grand opportunity of having an engaging and wonderful conversation with a young lady, and co-passenger regarding marriages, divorcing, separation, live together and various other aspects of the relationships between contemporary men and women from a socio-cultural perspective. The discussion reduced my travel agonies and further stimulated my dead brain cells to take a more proactive look into the relationship between man and woman. My co-passenger really made me think as to what are the qualities women like while looking for a man in our society. Do all women think alike? Is there a socio-cultural or socio-economic divide? Do women from different continents have widely divergent opinions about men or is there an u settling common feature? The quest set me into a new direction of life, where I had the opportunity to interview 100+ women representing five continents (Asia, Africa, Europe and the Americas) to answer my questions regarding what these women like to look for in an ideal man or what they dislike as an attribute in a man.
Aims and objectives:
My targeted sample includes women from both urban and rural areas, from highly progressive to conservative societies, and representing rich, middle and poor income groups. There was no restrictions made on age, caste, creed, religion, faith, marital status, sexual orientation, profession and academic qualifications of the women interviewed to collect as much open opinions as possible without filtering them. Some comments had to be edited due to translational necessity and grouped accordingly to provide a comprehensive survey content below. I don’t claim the study to be scientifically or statistically or sociologically correct or highly appropriate.
But none the less it’s a cross-cultural introspection into the minds of women from various socio-economic religious, language, ethnic and cultural backgrounds freely sharing their opinion about ideal men from their own perspectives. Extreme care was taken to avoid any content to be lost in translation and the interview data was collected sporadically over a period of five years between (2018-2022). Interviews were conducted both online and offline in both formal and informal formats as the prevailing circumstances and situations demanded. It was not quite easy to reach women particularly from highly conservative religious backgrounds; but, every pain and effort was taken with utmost sincerity to record their feelings, sentiments, pains and joys as best as the circumstances were. Let us explore the domain of interrelationships between man and women from varied perspectives now.
Marriages are made in heaven:
In India, both in urban as well as in rural areas marriages are either ‘love marriages’ where the two potential partners decide to marry or there is ‘arranged marriage’ where the families make the necessary decisions. Both families, including the tentative bride and bridegroom, meet as a family or as social units and a marriage proposal is accepted socially amidst the presence of family members. Traditionally in the Indian society, arranged marriages used to be the only socio-culturally accepted norm both in rural and urban areas. But with higher education getting more accessible for girls in India; and with subsequent economic independence of women, arranged marriages are becoming less common; and ‘dating’ between potential couples, ‘live together’ and/or formal marriages (also called social marriages in presence of friends and family members) or court marriages (also called civil marriages, where the marriage is done in the presence of a government recognized marriage registrar by signing on the marriage register document in presence of court accepted witnesses) are becoming common in India. But, till date arranged marriage is still a very significant marriage alternative for a large number of potential couples in both urban and rural India. The growing economic pressure, lack of proper employment opportunities, career and peer pressures, the heavy burden of expensive Indian traditional marriages are also important factors contributing more towards living together without formal wedlocks or cheaper court marriages.
However, people with higher income and social status do prefer to opt for flamboyant, charismatic, gala marriage parties often managed by professional groups in exchange of hefty payments. But this is not affordable for a vast section of the society. Based on my global observation and research on this aspect, I found that this is not just the case of India exclusively; but, more or less a current global phenomenon. When people could not afford expensive marriages; they are looking for alternatives. Furthermore, although possibly not documented scientifically; the number of single people (not single parent or widowed or abandoned or separated or divorced) is increasing. A community that has a higher income, white-collar job, higher education and good business or jobs are deciding to live singly on their own terms and principles. It is not by social pressure; but, their own choice to stay single and experience and/or explore life at their own terms not dictated by anyone else.
What did we learn from the extensive surveys and interviews:
Summary of different qualities in men that are appreciated by women across the interview spectrum spreading across five different continents (Asia, Africa, Europe, North & South Americas):
1. Financial status and socio-economic status and/or security. That does not necessarily mean stinking rich. But the man should be earning enough to run the family smoothly without hiccup.
2. Trustworthy (no mistress or secret girlfriends or ex-girlfriends or ex-partners). Mostly single men (could be divorced or widowed) with no current wife/girlfriend/partner or kid(s) are a preferred choice across different culture.
3. Family background- pedigree, family status, social recognition, acceptability, social prestige.
4. Physical features-looks: Handsome, good physique, broad shoulders, wide chest, tall, good facial and bodily feature.
5. Men with higher qualifications are preferred.
6. Personality-charming, good communicator, academic or creative individuals, artists, poets, celebrity, witty, good with jokes, jovial, easygoing.
7. Emotional maturity- friendliness, romantic nature, adaptability to different situations, well-versed and polite individuals.
8. Ability to withstand socio-economic pressures.
9. Attitude-positive, caring, supportive, non-interfering, sexually active, stimulating, rejuvenating, playful, skillful, adventurous but non-aggressive; yet caring individuals are better preferred.
10. Healthy age difference for better understanding of physical, psychological, and emotional needs of one another.
11. Age difference favoured for males is between 3-5 years (men preferably be older than women).
12. Working in same office, organization, level or profession to be better avoided.
13. Sincerity towards his duties and responsibilities, an empathetic and respectful individual with a good sense of humour.
14. Individuals with connection to high offices and in politics, in other words, well-connected individuals with good high-level networks.
15. Rational, balanced, resourceful, genuine and understanding individual who is respectful towards his partner.
16. Individuals with natural fatherly instincts and/or attitudes are preferred.
17. Individuals with better patience and cooperation towards their partners, loyalty, faith, and attentiveness with respect to the feelings and sensitivity of their partner.
18. Simplicity (avoiding individuals with complicated thoughts, manners, behaviours, or attitudes).
19. Individuals who believe in simple living and high thinking.
20. Individual with down to earth nature or attitude, not flamboyant, mostly an individual with humble nature is preferred.
21. Individuals with good oral and genital hygiene.
22. Individuals with the ability to make bold and timely decisions, courageous, outgoing, dynamic, and industrious.
23. Individuals placed at a higher position in an organization with greater authority, high salary, successful entrepreneurs and business professionals.
24. Individuals who are not misers but judicious users of wealth and resources, smart individuals.
25. An individual who likes dedicating time for his partner exclusively without any distraction.
26. Individuals who have similar likes and dislikes, preferences, interests, and focus.
27. A partner who is ready to give space to a meaningful committed relationship; and is non-selfish or not self-centered; instead thinking of how to accommodate others in need.
28. An honest, non-introvert individual who is willing to give or share some thoughts in giving respectful space to their relationship at the time of need without bias, unnecessary interference or intervention or prejudice.
29. An open individual who is reachable and accessible in discussing or resolving any challenge(s) or issue (s) or problem(s) of daily or professional life with empathy and mutual respect.
30. Respect his partner's space and privacy with a good mutual understanding of one another’s limits and opportunities.
31. An individual who does objectify a woman or girl as a commodity or resource or private property.
32. Aggressive and over possessive individuals with different mental issues or challenges or physical disabilities (but there are many examples to prove otherwise) are mostly rejected.
33. Good talker or orator or communicator with good manners and etiquette and a good sense of humour has better chance of impressing women.
34. Warm and kind individuals who do not get angry instantly.
35. An individual who has a good sense of humour, and is a good listener to discuss any important issue.
36. An individual who has wisdom and is knowledgeable is a preferred man.
37. An individual who loves and cares for nature and our environment.
38. An individual who provides security to his loved ones.
39. A good cook can make a good dedicated and loving husband.
40. A man with an innocent smile and a heartwarming welcoming gesture.
41. Man with the white collared job.
42. Celebrity with big earnings and exploding bank accounts.
43. Avoid men with bad attitude and short temper.
44. Avoid a talkative individual.
45. Discard an individual who only talks about himself, his life, his success, his family and his achievements.
46. Avoid picking a man who has too many friends as he will never have time for you.
47. Avoid a man if he was an ex-convict irrespective of his circumstances, challenges or present situation.
48. Always listen to men who are sweet talkers with a pinch of salt, he is possibly not genuine.
49. Avoid an overprotective, over-interfering, over-caring, and over-jealous man; he will make your life miserable.
50. Don’t ever get into a relationship with married men, they are born cheaters.
Varied perspectives of relationships between men and women:
A small local NGO called Saptodhara operating from the Poddar Nagar locality of South Kolkata organized an outstanding cultural program as directed and choreographed by the Secretary, Ms Mallika Baral. She has been an inspiration for the local community and has successfully revived our old school jhalsa culture through cultural education and awareness as well as in generating positivity, activism and creativity among her students and participants. Hats off to her monumental efforts in transforming our society through positive cultural change! Ms. Baral said, “We need to remember that external beauty is temporary and fleeting. But our inner beauty is the true beauty; as our inner qualities are what is most admirable….. The inner beauty of virtue is not only beneficial for yourself, but it will also garner the respect from others.” Hence, a woman’s perception of a man is not solely directed towards power, status, money, and flamboyance; but also to explore the inner qualities of his soul.
Professor Ruth K. Oniango, a leading Food Scientist from Kenya (Africa) suggests through several examples, how the society has been pushing career women against the wall choking them physically, emotionally and psychologically everyday. She said, “….imagine that you are an outstanding talented woman with good education, job and a fat salary….but life has taken you through a difficult path…..the closest members of your family have repeatedly abused and dehumanized you. They have taken active part in bullying you every minute they had an opportunity including your parents, siblings, life partners and your own children. They are possibly jealous of your grand success in life, feel insecure due to your achievements or want to take advantage of your soft yet committed nature to exploit and bully you every day to keep you in a leash….can you imagine what is life for that brilliant and successful woman? Was she not better off living just as a single individual ?” All these factors are possibly pushing people to start looking for alternatives outside the social marriage circles. But more research and investigations are needed for bigger cross-continental samples to draw a conclusive statement on this.
Young school teacher and a strong woman activist, Ms. Olga Titova from Russia who is also single suggests, "I have gone through numerous hardships, challenges, mistreatments, unfortunate incidents, bad luck, humiliation and marginalization in my life. It has made me into an aggressive individual now ready to strike back……..now if someone dares to hit me either physically or emotionally; has to take my ‘heart-piercing arrow’ that will make him/her bleed internally……..That’s my philosophy of life now………… Treat me good and I will treat you good….. Treat my bad, I will reciprocate with equal ferocity and deadly aggression…life has educated me to be street-smart.
I am nice and polite... but absolutely firm to my points. Any strike towards me will be reciprocated with heavy emotional shelling from my aggressive artillery… I have been so happy and blessed since I decided to stay single.”
An university student, from Alberta, Canada; Sara Gateman said, “ It’s not possible to find my Prince Charming in the real world……. But there is also no harm in dreaming or searching for him inside my heart and in my dreams. I also know that it is not possible to find all the attributes of a good man in one particular individual; but, I would always like to find and appreciate the one or two good attributes that different men carry around me…..Life is not a bed of rises and we need to be realistic with our expectations….when I myself as a woman is not perfect at all; how could I look or ask for complete perfection from a man.”
Dr. Sandra Mansur Scagliusi, Agricultural Scientist from Sau Paulo, Brazil said, “We have to learn to accept life as it is….truth is stronger than fiction…. no individual is perfect; and hence to look for perfection in others is sheer stupidity as a concept. It is better to change ourselves as an individual rather than searching for perfection in others.”
Professor Suparna Sanyal-Mukherjee, a leading Social Anthropologist from West Bengal, India commented, “We need to look deep inside our socio-economic and socio-cultural traditions and formative elements to better understand the complex relationship of cross-continental man and woman chemistry or recipe for perfect relationships. It is only through better empathetic understanding, love and mutual respect; a man and woman can find their common thread of life.”
Eminent health and environmental activist, Ms. Rosemarie Calvert from West Virginia (USA) said, “Age, economic or socio-cultural differences between a man and woman are not the only attributes for a successful relationship; but, rather knowing each other’s strengths and weaknesses; as well as the ability to forgive each other’s mistakes in their common life is important for securing the real success of a meaningful man-woman relationship.”
Forestry researcher, Dr. Xiuhua Wu from Inner Mongolia (P. R. China) commented, “….we need to take our life simply and not as a complex phenomenon…if we as women look at men simply and devoid of prejudices, we are sure to find good attributes in them.”
Food for thought:
Overall, we must say that our world is divided in opinions. Some opinions are dumb or stereotypical; while others are thought-provoking and genuine concerns. The relationship between man and woman will be under the microscope undergoing critical dissection for ages to come. We may be enriched with new concepts, thoughts, ideas and philosophies about the various dynamics and perspectives of the relationships between man and woman over time; but that they are reciprocal to one another possibly would not change. Different individuals may have different opinions, faiths, beliefs, and understanding regarding the complexity of man-woman relationships and interactions; but they both need one another and could not be denied either. Our world is changing, our economies are transforming, and our understandings are being shaped by the new global order and geopolitical influences. However, the mystery and myths associated with unique relationships between men and women (as two biologically opposite sexes) will continue to churn out brains for time immemorial.