When it comes to doing things I have always been very late in life and my love life was no exception to this. I am 31 today and I had only one serious butterfly-giving crush and one serious relationship with a 4-year-old younger man than me. At 26, I said yes to someone because my idea of love seemed far from reality. Why not settle for this and see how it works out?
My boyfriend was a very good friend of mine. When we decided to date it was no different than being friends, apart from the skinship between us which we both wanted to explore. Those private moments were the only change in our newly formed relationship.
Side hugs became warm embraces, hand-shakes became sweet pecks on my lips, and sometimes we experienced those passionate kisses…..But that’s it, this is where everything stops, or, should I say I stop it every time.
Being intimate never felt normal to me but a relationship is two people thing so I decided to ignore that unnatural part that I always felt because I thought me feeling like this might be related to the way I have been taught, that sex is not a good thing and we should only experience it after getting hitched.
As an Indian girl brought up in a conservative family, my mother always taught me we shouldn’t talk about sex and it is a bad thing. I remember at 15 putting on HBO was considered inappropriate thing. This is because in English movies, kissing was normal and in our society, it wasn’t.
As a young girl, simply saying the word sex was enough to get reprimanded and give others the opportunity to judge your character.
Indian society has contradictory beliefs about sexuality and sex. We cannot be sexually educated and active (Openly). However, in marriages arranged for a favourable prospect, in a few days, the idea of having sex with a stranger is normalised.
My boyfriend never forced me into doing things but emotional pressure and self-guilt were always there. One day he proposed to me and in an instant everything was clear to me, why I couldn't marry him, why I was never comfortable with going all the way because I don’t feel it needed.
I knew I doubt my sexuality but I am sure that this was not the time to make more mistakes and get married.
It was a messy breakup. Though, for a few months, I also missed the bond we had and the time we spent together. However, I knew I had taken the right decision. Now, I am free to explore my sexuality.
I tried talking to friends about it, some understood me some didn’t. People told me you are almost 30 how will you live alone, you need a partner in life and trust me it scared me, what will I do when I need someone?
I make many adult jokes, I check out guys, I have fantasies, and I find them appealing but there was always a sexual disconnect. I felt like the biggest hypocrite on earth as a person who likes handsome guys but is not sexually attracted to them.
So I researched it and read many articles on sexuality. There I found out about Aaegosexuality. You can call it a part of asexuality. People who are Aaegosexual have fantasies and are attracted to people but are not associated with their partner sexually. After knowing that something like this exists and I am not alone in this I felt relieved and frustrated.
Yes, it took me some time to accept this because. I talked about it with my other non-binary friends and they assured me that there is nothing wrong with me and that accepting it will make things easier.
In my opinion, being gay, lesbian or bisexual is more accepted in our society than having no desire for physical relations. This is because according to people a human being is a physical being. People can’t fathom the idea that there are people who don’t like sex.
Discussing it on different forums and talking about it made things easier for me. I started identifying as an asexual to people. As a 31-year-old woman coming out to my parents is frightening for me and the constant pressure they put on me to get married is trauma-inducing. I know that they will never understand the notion that asexuality is a thing and their daughter is one of them.
While I was researching I found many asexual people in healthy marriages. It's not that I feel alone but I certainly don’t want to be alone forever. This really gave me hope that I can also be in a healthy relationship while accepting my sexuality.
My heart flutters when I read a book where two people are in love and they can express it to each other. Sometimes I feel that I am missing out on so many positive feelings.
Unfortunately, no guy or girl catches my eye though I will not lose hope and wait for the one who accepts me and my asexuality.