Feeling blue is kind of normal these days. Though I like it, I don’t appreciate it. I just want to dissolve into my bed and my blanket can be my grave cover. This blue dim light in my room is my best bud. I don’t know how but I find calmness in it. But then when I switch it off, I like the darkness more. Maybe because it helps me in dissolving or it could be anything. I don’t even want to write all of this but if I just let it be the way it was one more second, the scary, claustrophobic, hopeless, anxious thoughts in my head might make me dance upon the air. So, I thought what if I can create something productive out of it. Wish I could write in the darkness. My words and the images in my mind would be more prominent to describe then. I just don’t like this light coming out from the monitor. Let me turn down the brightness.

Kafka was so unreal, nah? He told his friend Max to burn all of his writings. I mean what a writer can want except a little bit of validation. If I could be that selfless, my life would be no place of regrets….

Are you still going through this? I am sorry if I am making you depressed. Trust me, I had no intention to do this. I am selfish, I am doing it for my own good and I have nothing else to offer you. Would you be my friend? Even if you don’t want to be, I am assuming that you are saying ‘yes’ :) …You know while typing up to this point and even now I am now listening to Hans Zimmer. It really helps me. Choosing the right track is so important else it can just ruin everything. And, it’s just not that simple, music controls my emotion and indirectly my writing too. See, I am again talking nonsense. But, do our lives really make sense? The material things we live for, we run for, we compete with each other don’t really make any sense to me at all. I mean at the end of the day if we cannot have our mental peace, everything is meaningless.

Is it really easy to give up? Is it really easy to give up on our dreams? I mean trying hard to get what you want is difficult but the regret of not pursuing your desired path is scarier. It makes you restless which is far beyond the level of difficulties of following your dream, not easy at all to countenance. I think those who are able to give up and succeeds in confronting their mental ordeal, are the actual winners of life. They have admitted their loss. They are okay to lead a normal life. Can we do that? I don’t think so. What is that exactly we are looking for to have in our future? A secured boring life or the taste of lavishness or the lack of simplicity in life?

It's been a while since I wrote all of this. last day I was writing something in my notebook because I just didn’t feel like opening the laptop. So, I’ll be just copying it here.

They ask me if I have loved anyone or not and every time I say that I have never known what love is because I don’t know how it feels to be loved back. I ask God every now and then what I have done to be deserved like this and he/she never gave me an answer. Today I could not take it anymore. That’s why I am here writing this note. I’m not doing mentally well at all for the past two years. I tried to open up to my family, friends but they are unable to realise my problem. I have mentioned about it quite a few times but it is hopeless and it’s not their fault either. My family is not used to these things and I don’t blame them either. But trust me Baba, I love you the most. I know you tried to be my friend since my childhood but you couldn’t be what you wanted. Don’t worry it’s really okay. But Baba, I too feel scared and awkward to open up to you. I don’t know a little thing about you like the first time you lit up a cigarette, had your first drink or how you met our mother. But it’s okay, both of us tried our best. You know what I love the most about you, the time when you know that I smoke and you don’t acknowledge it. Baba, why these terrible things are happening with me? Is this how really life works? Did you face these similar difficulties? Can you please tell me how to go through it? I wonder what if I could actually ask you about all of this in real. But whatever it is, I love you. I love you so much that I don’t even want to describe it in words.

Yesterday I finished reading Norwegian Wood and every time I read about Naoko, her face popped up in front of my eyes. Wish I could hold her in my arms for once and feel the warmth of her body. I think it can just give me the strength to countenance every difficulty for the next two years. I want to say her so many things but she hardly listens. She does not even want to meet with me. Last day, I accidentally saw her. She just walked right beside me and I was in a car as I wasn’t feeling well and hired a uber from college. She was wearing a black shirt and a white skirt and she was looking so pretty. She seemed so much like Naoko. I wish I could just once get to hug her and cry my heart out and tell her all the things that I am going through. I am just so tired of this constant heavy pain in my chest. It never gets better. I hope every time and every time hope kills a little bit of me. So, I wanted to call her when I was crossing her but the car window was turned up. Now I realise that there will always be a transparent barrier between us which won’t be visible and for that I’ll try again and again and the outcome will always be the same. I tried listening to some groovy, joyous music but it’s the worst. Because it’s the same songs where you imagine your dreamy moments while listening to it and when it actually doesn’t happen, you get backfired.

However it is, I can only be grateful for all the happy little things I have in my life like my earphone, when I order food with my savings or my utopian dream to be truly loved once in my life. How dark or negative it gets, you must continue your journey in that tunnel. I am still in the tunnel and I like the silence in here. And, I have found another thing now. I have my purpose to write. It helps me to feel that I am not alone. You are with me and I’ll keep writing to you. I don’t know how I sound but I hope that you’ll manage. 

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