17 JULY, 2021

Spoiler alert!!!! Nothing will make sense until the last part of this article, so keep reading.

11:17 am

It happened again. It’s happening right now, I’m derealised. I can't feel myself, my mind refuses to process anything, even me writing this. The only reason I am doing so is so that I remember it happened and when it dis. I don’t want to forget it like the other things I did. Everything feels unreal. I feel like my mind is not mine anymore. I feel like I am thinking with someone else’s mind. This really screws me. Not knowing what is happening and not being able to process all the voices that fall into my ears. There are several people in this room talking, right in front of me, and yet here I am, not being able to process a single word. Writing this seems like the only part of ‘my’ mind. I feel like I just lost my brain. Like someone else just took it and is using it right now. All the things I did were just memories, and I never really was a part of them. I really freaks me out. I really does. Losing a sense of yourself really is a miserable thing. I’m afraid that if I do get all my senses back, all my shot collected, this moment I am writing, will never get out of mind. It is one of the things that no matter how much I try to get rid of, I never actually will. It has found its place deep within my mind with those memories, events and people have gone through that no matter how far away I try to run from them, they’ll never leave me. Simply because it’s too late now. I let them get deep within, so deep, that now they’re a part of me I can’t help, but handle.

4:48 pm

I feel quite fine now, unlike earlier, when I felt dizzy for the while time. I guess the reason all that I mentioned before happened was due to a lack of sleep. Last night, I didn’t sleep. Neither of us did. Instead, we ran, walked, jumped, played and shouted, shouted till we all could feel our throats hurt. Then we went on a walk again, we ran, played, jumped, played on the swings, and came back. Then we went for a little morning drive, came back and talked a lot, and also met Cherry, the cutest pet I’ve ever seen. I then had a bath and everything was alright. I had breakfast, afterward lunch, and then started preparing for my brother's birthday. We all still looked active, as if we had the best sleep ever, but after lunch, everyone’s eyes looked tired, but we never realized it until later that day. We’d go to sleep the moment we lay on the bed, but we didn’t have any chance to. Things seemed quite fine, until the physics class. I came down for some work and all of a sudden, I started getting derealised. I thought it would go away after some time, and it did but took quite long. But after sometime, it happened again, even worse than the one before. And it didn’t go, at all. It was there all the time, the derealisation, and it was like the worst one I’ve ever had. The earlier ones used to last just a couple minutes, but this one lasted like hours. I had a gut feeling it was because I needed sleep, and I was right. I slept the moment our car left the colony. It was like, I closed my eyes and felt like I was already sleeping. When I woke up, everything was perfectly fine. Perhaps I was right, all I needed was a bit of sleep a lot to be honest. But the question is, why this time? I spent all most all the function nights waking up, but this never happened before, ever…….

P.S. I’m super sleepy now, so I’ll just write till here.

So yeah! This was the while story, but the thing is, I’ve been derealised quite a lot of times before, and they were quite easy to handle, but one just made me feel dizzy for the whole day. Only those who’ve experienced this before can understand the struggle. Just think of it, you feel dizzy but can’t help, no one’s there to listen. Just like they say, “Sometimes, you don’t need any sympathy, instead, all you need is someone who can listen to what you have to say, things that we’re buried deep in your soul for so long that now, it’s hard to convey them......

.   .   .