“Jonathan! Jonathan! Jonathan, you disaster of a child. Leave your phone and study. If not that, at least make yourself productive. Look at children your age, they are working on research papers and the only paper you are working on is your apology letter to Mr. Ransom. What have you made of yourself? What will you ever do? If it were up to me I would…”
“I would what maa?”, reciprocated Jonathan bringing his mother’s conversation (which is not quite exactly singularly expressing inner aggression driven by the disappointment on the child) to an abrupt end. “You would what maa?”, Jonathan repeated but this time with a little frustration, tiredness, and anger in his voice almost defending himself in front of all the arguments his mom had posed. Not even a second later, Mrs. Cornhill opened her mouth just enough to give away that she was going to present a counter-argument Jonathan blared saying “I am tired of trying so hard to impress you. I am so tired of just waiting for the day that you walk into my room and say that you are proud of me. I know people my age are doing stuff that is worthful but that does not mean that you make me feel worthless for not buying myself into today’s generation of young leaders and scientists. Every night I sleep hoping to have a better day tomorrow, a day I accomplish all the goals set for that day. I appreciate myself for completing one task more than the previous day but then you walk in my room, give me a lecture on how great others are doing and how whatever I do simply doesn’t equate to any of it, and also that I’ll never make a life out of me. If nothing certain mom, I do promise you that when I grow up, with the minimalist of money I make in the reality you have thought for me, I would leave this house and you and live a life in which I am happy. I am going now.
BYE!!!!!!!!”
He slammed the door on his way out. Mrs. Cornhill wasn’t worried about where Johnny would go (she knew the obvious places and people because having a child not only makes you a mother but also a skillful detective). She had all the contacts from A to Z to ring to, to know about Johnny but that was not the most important thing in her mind in that moment. To be honest, she forgot everything Jonathan had said except for that one line. Deja vu. It totally was. Him saying with firmness that he shall leave her and go forever brought back a lot of memories. Memories that felt like scars. You look at them all day only wondering if they’ll ever heal but then you keep looking at them and they don’t.
Her sorrowness made her walk straight to her storage. She after a very long time was in need of a box, a box of souvenirs from her past. It felt appropriate to embrace the scar Jonathan had just burnt again. With the hope to feel better, she collected her ladder, an old bedsheet, a bottle of red wine brought from France and a few eatables. She went down there, got upon the ladder, slid the box down, dusted the sand crumbles off along with a few teeny tiny insects and opened it. No hesitation in smiling after looking in that box, just like a pirate finally finding lumpsum treasure he always dreamed of as a child in the deepest part of the ocean and not losing it.
Not all the stuff in that box got her cheered up. It was just one letter. On the top. It dated to when she was in college and had received a package from her home. It was a few days to her birthday, the first without her family. It was signed off by a lovely person. Her momma. She often called her that. Not to exaggerate the content of the letter saving its explicitness, it spoke of how proud Mrs. Cornhill’s mother was of her and how she always wants her to be happy. It mentioned how her mum consumed her daughter growing up and trying hard. Mrs. Cornhill always had her doubts about herself but her mum, she believed in her always and though all that belief was shading deep under the phase of misunderstandings and fights and worthless accusations, it was well understood later when the chaos settled. When Mrs. Cornhill reached college.
Why does one’s mother’s words feel like a victory won after thousand defeats, it was because it was.
Years before college, the growing up, making mistakes, learning up, not accepting defeat, unending pressure, humungous expectations, feeling lost, becoming a disappointment, teenage years. You know how all those years your parents give the most attention to you, how you are constantly being told and asked to do things, how sometimes you are forced to grow up early with a working brain accepted and approved by them, how you are just moulded to be a better person in their eyes. Your parents spend years teaching you morals, giving life lessons, giving you a sense of right and wrong, basically directing you in a path they know is the best for you but in the age of getting forced to learn and wanting to learn matter of choice on your own, you get lost and often start to stay aloof from your parents. You keep this distance which no one notices before but it starts skyrocketing at a rate and what do you know, you have secrets and less trust on them. You shield yourself to protect your beliefs, start defending your actions, start to value your opinion more than theirs, get frustrated and annoyed easily at their comments and never ever accept fingers pointing at you. In your mind, you are the victim and in the game of murder without realizing it, you make your parents the murderers. Killers of happiness and joy and freedom. This obviously tends to fights and loads of shouting including saying harsh things.
No one is immune to this phase in life but for some as in for Mrs. Cornhill it was much severe. Her existence became the core reason for her sadness. It was the time when she was preparing to bag a good college, the competitive exams and Olympiad. She like all started with excitement, this adrenaline rush that’s obvious to all children in that boat but clearly, the final stop, the destination, it is not enough to keep the motivation alive against the cruel journey one has travel specially with the weight they have to bear, the weight of success, the weight of past personality, the weight of expectations. In her case a weight was added later, the weight to maintain a good relationship with her parents. So, it started well, studies were going well, there wasn’t any sort of improvement visible but her parents had confidence like her that with the grades in school, the path to victory shall take on a healthy turn soon but who knew, this one was going to be a tough nut to track.
Months passed, many mock tests later, Mrs. Cornhill knew that this isn’t her cup of tea, bad grades caused an apparent loss in motivation and she started procrastinating. She was behind on lectures, behind on grades, assignments, healthy lifestyle and also… momma’s expectations. Her mom used to tell her how she was her shining star and that she’ll be the answer to every harsh comment made upon her mom. Well, what do u expect, it is an unexpected pressure to do better that increases with the depth of her mom’s issues. It increased with deeper communications and mutual understanding, almost ironic right. Exam pressure is equivalent to stress eating which is equivalent to weight gain. Her gaining weight wasn’t welcomed well. It was rough hearing that she was getting fat and that clothes will not fit if something is not done about it. She was told by everyone to just leave food and exercise in order to lose weight which is fine considering these are all healthy advices but being told that she does not look pretty anymore wasn’t the exact motivation she was looking for. More or less, that barrier between Mrs. Cornhill and her parents started firming, it became prominent. After bad grades, a deteriorating performance graph, unhealthy increase in weight came the obvious, teenage rebel. Mrs. Cornhill out of pure frustration just started to talk back, she started to shout, speak out, over react, cry a lot, she basically starting framing her parents as villains in her story. It became a game of blame. No one party was ever right or wrong completely. Friends were not the most helpful source at the moment considering they all were going through something similar. What was left to bind that gap between her and her parents? Nothing…… the bridge started to break. Clearly, she was on the other side and her parents on one. All she needed to hear was that it will be all right and that this phase shall pass too but she was reciprocated with the obvious parental tactics. She never blamed her parents because first of all, they were not wrong to expect good of her and for that maneuvering her life seemed appropriate and second of all, they never went through what she was experiencing but were these two arguments enough to win against what she felt in her heart. Instead of feeling the warmth of hugs, she started to feel the cold walls of barrier.
Towards the end, many conversations, mental breakdowns, confessions and outburst later, she got admitted into a university. The best she could grab out of the minimum study she did.
Growing apart from parents not only took her relationship away, it took her confidence, her security, her sense of trust and happiness too. Before leaving for college, she had lost all hopes to ever be a happy family again. She was going away, even less communication and physical meets, why was she wrong to think this at all. With the lowest self-esteem she entered her college, scared to ever be herself again before the years of treacherous pressure. She made friends and started to make changes in her routine. She became ever more determined to make a better life for herself, she wanted to make a mark now and avoid all the mistakes made before. The passion although was fear driven, it was there but all this was part of self-bridging. She was placing pieces of her broken self and finding newer ones to fill the spot for the old ones that got lost, it wasn’t the perfect fit for the hole she had in her heart, the one formed due to losing feelings for her mom and dad. Before her semester break, talking out her issue to a friend did help in getting a clarity of the situation, and a hope to one day be a happy family rose again but that break, at home, nothing had change. It was the same chaos but one thing was different, she could see that her parents were trying their best to bridge the gap, it was her who had lost love for them, and if not love then she had for sure lost that special feeling for them. It broke her even more. She started blaming herself but at the same time her heart also said that what she is feeling is completely fine and that feeling aloof is understandable considering what had happened. This led to an upsetting conversation between her and her mother.
Her mom said “Honey, I have started to feel aloof from you. I feel like you don’t care about us much anymore and that you are changing. I know the years before were the worst years of our lives but I am trying now to fix it. Can you please just coordinate.”
To which Mrs. Cornhill replied “Maa, the years before were the worst and I did not get what I wanted from you both. I know that it was more my fault than yours but everything said and done has just drifted me apart. I need time and I will be the same again soon momma. I really want to and I hope for the same.”. These words were enough to break her mother but deep down she felt relieved saying them. It made an impact on her too, she was feeling a little different, thinking a little different, wanting a little different.
Anyways, upon returning to college after break, she started receiving shorts messages from her momma telling her how sorry she was and that she misses her daughter. She was getting sent many songs and letters from before. She was getting told more that her parents were so proud of her and they feel relieved from baggage of Mrs. Cornhill’s future. She was getting told that it’s okay to fail once in a while and that they’ll never leave her again. She was told that she is loved still the same and nothing will ever change that. Mrs. Cornhill knew that now more than ever she wanted to be with her family. Even though her heart was filled with guilt, she had so many things to say still, so many apologies to make, so much love to express to her parents and the glee she felt seeing the bridge repairing itself. She could see the fog clear up, her parents on the other side with arms wide open, waiting to hug her. She could see the sun rising in the dimension where she had a happy family, where the sun was set for a long, long time. Like mentioned before, it was her first birthday away from them which was also the reason she didn’t want to celebrate it at all but then a few days before she received a parcel with gifts for her and a letter from her mother.
In the letter, her mom had, with all the love in her heart, explained how much she wanted her daughter to be happy and that her smile shines over everything. It gave the message that she was no longer a disappointment but her shining star. She was told that her parents couldn’t be any more proud of her and that she is still loved the same she was loved the day she was born.
She knew in that moment that yes, the bridge will cover itself. The distance did eventually help in filling the gap and that there is still hope for a happy family. After the darkest hour for her family, a good news was just in waiting to come and stay forever.
Now what was left, a phone call to Sonya’s mother, Jonathan’s closest friend and to ask him to return home. After he did, Mrs. Cornhill gave him a comforting kiss on for forehead and said that she was sorry. The perfect happy ending to a chaotic day,
Arrabbiata pasta with fresh lime juice and “HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA” from start.