This is my 3rd attempt at writing this year. I have this urge to write and yet I am not able to do it. At the beginning of the year, I started writing journal to gather my scattered thoughts. But it did not quite work out as I had these thoughts at the most awkward times and it was difficult to recollect them later and put them into words. Later I tried writing a travel blog when I took a trip but then it was too exhausting at the end of the day to relive it once again for the sake of writing. And this is the third time I felt like I need to write something and I am just going to go with the flow and write whatever comes to my mind.

Let me start by introducing myself. I am a 30-year-old, single, and confused female. Saying that I am a female implies that I am confused with life because that’s just how we are. But this time I am more confused than usual. Confused whether I am happy or not, satisfied or not, and whether I am doing things right or not. Also confused about what I wanted. It might be common in 30-year-old single females but I won’t know that because all my friends of this age are married and I have no one I can talk to and relate my situation. So, putting down my thought into words and letting unknown people read it seems to be a good option.

I have always said that I am a strong, independent woman. I keep saying that so that one day I succeed in being one. Because given the situation I don’t even have an option but to be strong as well as independent. On a hight level, my life isn’t going as one would want it to. Like I feel I want to be with someone like a permanent partner but at the same time, I gave this strong feeling that I can be alone and happy. And, truly speaking I am kind of happy. My work life is good, I eat good food, there are instances throughout the day when I laugh, and I am not on good terms with my parents and friends despite the occasional arguments. So yeah, that’s enough to be happy. But I have realized that I break down more often these days, I get angry a lot and I take things personally when there is absolutely no reason to do so. I don’t feel like doing certain things that I used to love before. I occasionally feel like seeing a therapist. And I dread the times when I am all alone because they are the worst. So does that mean I am not happy and kind of depressed? See that is what I am confused about.

I am also confused about being satisfied. At times I am satisfied about how far I have come in my career. But again, there are so many people doing better than me so I feel a hint of dissatisfaction sometimes. Although this isn’t a big issue compared to not being happy. So, I don’t feel like thinking about it that much. I am the kind of person who has firm beliefs of right and wrong. I always say that all you do is ok unless you are hurting someone. There are clear rights and wrongs in life. It is mostly situational and varies from person to person. Something might feel right to somebody and wrong to someone else. No one could really decide who is right in this case. Each of us has our own definitions and boundaries when it comes to doing the right things. But these days I feel like my boundaries are kind of blurred out. I am not able to make up my mind about certain things, certain people, and certain situations. This feeling isn’t something that can be explained here in this article as it would background stories make sense. So, I am just going to drop it.

I am not sure what I am trying to say here through this article as I said I am a non-writer. I am not even sure if this looks like an article or just a journal entry. But I am going to put it up anyway. This is already helping me because I feel somewhat light. Hope some of the readers find relatable content here and it helps them too.

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