One of A.K Ramanujan’s best works, according to me, was “A Flowering Tree”. The story talked about a girl who had the ability to turn into a tree. One day, her branches got damaged, which caused her to lose her limbs in her human form. In order to gain her limbs back, she needed to have branches restructured in her tree form again. The ecofeminism side of the story talked about vulnerability and healing. The girl, when left limbless could only heal when she becomes a tree, which is her most vulnerable form. She is at the mercy of the person handling her. It gives the message that in order for someone to heal us, we need to show our weaker side. To become vulnerable. Vulnerability on one hand means having no control of oneself or the environment, but it also means being open to change.
Embracing vulnerability in order to heal can be a challenging task for many. Especially for me. I noticed a pattern in my behaviour - I tend to avoid or suppress all of my extreme emotions as much as possible. Especially at times when I feel “vulnerable”.
I ask myself, what does vulnerability mean to me? I remember the time I cried in front of a whole group of people, unable to hold my tears over a petty reason. That is what vulnerability meant to me. Losing my composure in front of others, losing the mask of “me” that I wear.
So for me suppressing my feelings gives me a sense of security. But it also has some shortcomings. In moments when I felt vulnerable, I would try my best to suppress whatever I was feeling. So after trying to suppress my emotions and feelings for years, here is what I have learned.
EMOTIONS CAN’T BE FULLY CONTROLLED
I can overwork myself, intoxicate myself, try distracting myself with all sorts of entertainment, and do all that I want but I cannot fully control what I feel. Trying to gain full control over emotions is nothing but a waste of time and energy. In retaliation, I ended up developing some problems like anxiety, emotional meltdown, and a lot more. I will feel what I feel and that would be the truth at the end of the day.
ALL EMOTIONS CARRY A MESSAGE
Have you ever screamed out something in the heat of the moment and then regret it later? Many of us are perfectly capable of understanding what can hurt someone else’s feelings, especially those close to us. So what are these fits of emotions that take over us and ruin many of our relationships? Our initial wave of emotions is generally a jumble of our primary emotion mixed with our avoidance behaviour of what we feel deep inside our hearts. Ignoring your negative emotions, anger outbursts, emotional meltdowns, etc. are a part of it. An example of this can be my very own grandfather, who doesn’t like going out or letting anyone go out. After facing the loss of his siblings to unfortunate circumstances at a tender age, he developed a habit of never stepping out of house, apart from job. When me and my brother were little kids, he would always keep an eye on us, and would never allow us to stay at a friend's house, even though our parents wouldn’t have any problem. His fear of losing his loved ones due to unforeseen circumstances was masked by anger. His fear of being left alone or losing us is what drives the angry outburst into play. It gives him a sense of comfort that keeping us inside the house will prevent us from outside harm. If he tries to dive deeper into his emotions rather than being blinded by rage. I hope he can understand himself better and reflect on his behaviour, as he has a problem with high bp as well.
IT IS ACTUALLY BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.
A constant tension in the body muscles is a perfect example of how suppressed emotions can manifest into the body. I can blame my bad posture, my lifestyle or my diet, but the truth will always remain what it is. I can convince myself that I can live with this stiffness, but can I live on with a weak immunity? Can I live with digestive problems? Can I forever live on with the fear of heart disease knocking on my door anyday. If you can do this, congratulations! You survived physical symptoms of suppressed emotions. If you cannot, then your only salvation is opening up. Expressing yourself and being free from the cage you have set up inside your brain.
We have learned to control our emotions ever since we were toddlers, so a certain amount of control over our emotions is necessary. Some of us require more control than the others, depending on our lifestyle and requirements. In this article, I won't talk about depression and other psychological issues, but rather the things you might want to keep in mind while trying to suppress/control your emotions.
I talked all about emotions and how I like to perceive them in a literal sense, but what, how to control them? Well in simple terms, you can't control them, you can only regulate them.
Emotions can be very explosive if not maintained properly. And as I stated above, one can never have full control over their emotions. So what do we do about something we have no control over - We regulate it. We can regulate our emotions in various ways to keep a healthy flow of emotional surge through our body without giving in to it.
LONG-TERM GOAL VS SHORT-TERM GOAL
A question I ask myself a lot about my emotions is - what is my emotion directed towards, a short-term goal or a long-term goal? Imagine you are sitting in an examination hall and the invigilator announces “Only 5 minutes left, wind up quickly”. These words suddenly raise alarms in your mind, you look at your examination sheet and realise you haven’t done much. 5 minutes is all you have. And thus, the anxiety kicks in. giving you godly writing speed and a rapid thought process. You write without a second thought. Even though your heart is racing, your hands and legs are shaking profusely. And once the examination sheet is submitted and you are out of the hall, all is good again. Maybe sadness over answers that were left unattended, but no more anxiety. Not only did this sudden rise of anxiety help you write quickly, but kept you rapid and alert. It helped you ace the exam, even in the last 5 minutes. This anxiety, even though a negative emotion, was directed towards a short-term goal, gone once the task is done. So understand the need and goal of the emotion, if it is for a short-term goal. For example, if you are angry at your partner for ignoring you, the goal of your anger is to make them amend their behaviour and refrain from doing the same in the future. It may take them a long time, but your anger will go away once it is done. Emotions exist to guide us through life, so understanding their purpose makes it easier for me to regulate my emotions. Understanding the use of long-term and short-term emotions and treating them accordingly, makes it especially easy for me to regulate them.
BELIEF SYSTEM
This is something I personally like to believe in. We live and abide our life by a belief system, which is built by our own experiences. Basically, we grow through what we go through. If we go through a certain event which forces us to suppress our emotions, it means that event has been embedded into your belief system, thus making us live by it. If we go through an event which gives us a more optimistic approach to life, it makes us have a happy outlook of life. But as we grow older, we stop being influenced by such events in life. We grow numb in that sense. In a way, to protect yourself from negative feelings such as betrayal, disappointment, or hate, you close your belief system to restrict anything interfering with it. That is why it is very important to include positive thoughts and feelings in your belief system. If you are prey to regular negative feelings such as anxiety or depression, you should try to open yourself, subjecting yourself to new experiences and possibly positive emotions. But being open to change also comes with a sense of vulnerability, which can be nerve-wracking. But if done correctly, it can do wonders to your mental and emotional health. This is what I talked about in the start of this article as well, there can be no healing without vulnerability. Even a brave soldier of war must remove his armour in order to heal the battle scars. So be open, to change, to new experiences, new emotions and healing. For what you might consider protecting yourself, can be harmful to you.
TRY TO FEEL THE EMOTION IN YOUR BODY.
I try to feel my negative emotions throughout my body. Sometimes I feel it very tightly in my chest, sometimes a cold sensation in my legs, sometimes a pain in my throat. My life span development professor, a former therapist, gave us this tip. Try to feel the emotion through your body, not just your mind. Allow your body to feel the sensation, and allow it to move through your body. The negative emotions might be related to an event, but you must not limit yourself to a certain narrative. This not only helps us understand the root cause of our negative emotions but also helps us accept them. The first and the most major step that helps us with regulating our emotions.
EXERCISE
No matter how much you have already heard it, exercise is good for you and your mental health. A brisk walk not only helps release stress but also releases the deeply embedded muscle tension. Movement therapies such as yoga, tai chi, and qi gong combine fluid movements with deep breathing and mental focus, all of which can induce calm.