The nerd left the school gloomy and sad again. The popular girl and her squad picked on her today again, just like they do almost everyday. Her straight A’s, good relations with the teachers and tutoring sessions she does for the juniors didn’t save her one more time. She got called mousy, was told her hair was flat and that she would die alone because she was boring. But as she walked home she came across an old woman walking with her dog. The playful dog was chasing another stray one and the old woman couldn’t control it. The nerd helped the woman, played a little with the dog, fed the stray her lunch leftovers and made her way back home in better spirits. She finished her homework, helped her dad with dinner and played a round of scribble with her mom and went bed with a smile despite the day she had, though for one moment she did wonder, what it could feel like, to not have a day like that!? Or rather to have one where she was the popular girl…

Miss Popular had a blast today. She picked on the class nerd, made fun of the curly-haired girl in the last row, flirted with a different guy, tripped a fellow student in her dance class and was told she was Oh! So beautiful, by at least 5 guys. She even trolled a few juniors in the bus on her ride home. But as she walked to her door, she dreaded going in. Her dad as usual told her ‘what a disappointment she was with her 8.5 GM, her mom told she shouldn’t eat carbs if she’s to keep looking pretty, her brother called her the ‘B’ word again when he saw her phone ping with a text from a guy friend of hers. As she went to her room to escape from the scrutiny, expectations and judgment, she removed her make-up, not just the cosmetic do-over but her devil cares expression and naughty attitude. In the mirror, she stared back at the gaunt-faced unhappy girl with bags under her eyes and tears in them. She wondered as she walked back to her bed, to endure another sleepless night, what would it feel like, if her only problem was facing a bully in school!? What would it feel like to be actually happy, like that nerd she picks on? What would be like to be her?

The nerd walked along the moonlit, abandoned road listening to her favorite playlist. She just finished giving a mock test for a competitive exam she planned on taking and decided to unwind a little after the hustle of past three hours. There was a party at one of the popular kid’s home but she wasn’t invited. Again, she wondered what would be like, to be one of them….! She reached the end of the road that connected to the main street in a T-Junction. A car was speeding on the main street and nerd didn’t notice it half because the headlights weren’t ON and half because she had her earphones plugged in. She didn’t notice, not until the impact of the hit.. not until she was tossed up in the air and found herself plummeting… hitting her head on the pavement… the pain didn’t even register… she bleeded out before it could.

The popular girl was invited to another party. She knew her parents would never send her so she just slipped out of home after everyone slept. She was late to the party, but wasn’t that the saying… fashionably late…! The party was in full swing by the time she made it. She met up with her friends, played a few rounds of Jenga, drank her weight in sodas. There was a new buzz at the party today though. Something different. She didn’t know what it was but a lot of people were different. And then the hot guy of the class walked up to her and asked if she wanted to join. And the she knew! What popular girl would turn down weed and stay cool for everyone? She had to do it. But one joined turned to two then two turned to three. Before she knew the hot guy offered to teach her to drive. Neither of them were of legal age but what harm could it do. The roads were practically empty this late. She took him up on the offer. She didn’t remember getting in the car or starting it or the instructions of the guy. But she did remember reading a T-Junction and seeing someone on the road, a second too late… she remembered trying to dodge, she remembered car hitting a person the severing to left and toppling over… she remembered the scream of the person she hit… it was a girl… that’s all she remembered!

The girl woke up to the sounds of beeping. She felt like she was floating. Her body felt limp and she ached everywhere… she couldn’t move her head to the sides even. A nurse came into her field of vision and called a name. The popular girl name. Wait! But she was the popular girl. Why was she referring herself in third person!? She was given some medicines and she promptly fell back to sleep again.

When the girl woke up again, she was not plugged to machines and tubes. She was still in a hospital but this time it was a room. She saw three people waiting just outside. A middle-aged couple and an older boy. Her family… and they all wore expressions of contempt on them. But she didn’t feel any grief for it. In fact, part of her soul was not even slightly effected. As if she didn’t recognize them as her family anymore.

A few days passed, severe reprimanding and grilling from the family, a few rounds of investigations from the police and a lot of medicines and physical health check later, the girl was discharged. The mother brought her a set of clothes. The clothes smelt wrong to the girl. Almost repulsive. She wondered why!

When she stepped into her room for the first every time since the accident, she imagined the moment would feel liberating. Only it was more like agitating. Her piles of clothes and hordes of jewelry felt like clutter. She couldn’t sit still until she recognized the entire room and cleaned up. Something she never ever did!

Her friends never visited her. Not that she ever thought she had any… whoa! Wait! She had friends, didn’t she? The girl felt like a part of her mind was not hers anymore. Maybe her body too! I mean, how could she not stand the smell of smoke now, when she couldn’t go for 3 days straight without a cigarette for a whole year now!? Why was she craving toast and scrambled eggs with hot chocolate when what she always had for breakfast were chips and sodas? Why were her fingers aching to open her books when having to study was her idea of hell? Also, why was she listening to motivational biography audio books! Audio books? Seriously? Who did that? And why was she doing it? And most important of all, why couldn’t she tolerate the bangs falling into her eyes? She loved them just fine until the accident? Like, did the accident change the way she was wired or something!

The girl noticed more and more changes in her each day! She couldn’t stand clutter, couldn’t smoke even when she physically forced herself to, couldn’t be the same around her family. Felt almost like a part of her own soul was a stranger to her. She found herself thinking of college, preparing for entrances and taking mock tests. She actually started to read and solve puzzles and all. Her family was initially shocked. They who did not say a kind word to her even when she was in hospital bed, now actually talked to her. Not that they were warm even now but acknowledged her. Looked at her as if she was different… New….

She went back to school after 3 whole weeks. Her friends, or at least the people she hung out with, were normal with her, like they used to be. But she couldn’t hang out with them.it felt odd. Different…. Like so many of her habits now. She felt more drawn towards the quiet crowd the nerd hung out with. But they looked at her like she was a monster. Like she killed the nerd on purpose… like she didn’t live with guilt everyday.

The hot guy who got her to smoke weed on the night of accident crossed her in the corridor. He wouldn’t look at her, he looked emaciated too. But a part of her wanted to stop him and slap him… hurt him… kill him… whoa! What now!? And why!? She didn’t understand the anger she felt towards him!

Back in her classes, she was more attentive than she ever was, answered a bunch of questions posed to the class surprising the teacher and shocking every student including herself. I mean, she couldn’t answer questions even after preparing for hours for the exam and now she was answering, and correctly so in class!! What’s with that, she couldn’t join her friends for lunch. She considered to sit with the quiet crowd but the daggers their eyes shot scared her. Another new! She sat by herself and ate in quiet. One of the girl’s she hung out with came over to her and started to trash-talk her. Said she lost her guts in the accident. A part of her shrunk her away when the girl called her a murderer. But then, another part in her, the one that felt new, rose and called the girl back for bullying not just her but half the class. She laid out all the failures of this new bully and warned her not to mess with them’ again. Wait… them!? Who was them!? Why was she identifying herself in plural? The girl kept wondering about this until she reached home. Her mother actually asked her how her day was and her father offered to drive her to school and back. She answered them and thanked them. This was once a dream. To have a day in which the worst part of her day was to get bullied. Now not even that was worse. She called out her bully, saved herself, performed well in school and came home to a family that didn’t treat her like dirt. This was new. Like that alien part of her soul. And yet, it made her content. In ways she never was. What was going on?

Two weeks since back to school, the girl found her rhythm. She hung out with the popular crowd sometimes but by herself the others. She was getting better at her academics, in fact as good as the nerd was. Some one said in joke that she was probably being haunted by the nerd, those words gave her creeps. They brought light to the new aspects of her which were all undeniably the qualities of the nerd. The girl couldn’t help herself with the new kind streak of her. She couldn’t be mean and rude to people even when she tried. Even back home she was shocking her parents and her brother with kindness and perfection and they couldn’t help but look at her with a new found respect and awe. And yet a part of her was not happy. A homesickness plagued her even when she was at home. She knew what home that longing was for, but couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge why she craved that home. Why she was more discontent more than even in her own home. The warmth of a family, she was never supposed to know subjectiely, was now all she could think about. She was scared to look within herself to know where these new habits, tastes and longings came from. She was too scared…

One day on her way back from school, she didn’t take the bus. She walked…. And not to the house she went to everyday. She couldn’t call the place “The nerd's house”. No this felt like home. She knocked when she didn’t plan to it was like she was on Auto-Pilot. The nerd’s father answered the door. He was surprised to see her. But there was no accusation in his eyes. No blame. That made it all the worse, she couldn’t stop her tears… she wanted to hug him but didn’t know if she could. She mumbled the only words both parts of her soul agreed upon… “I’m sorry”. And he said, in the kindest of the voices… “It’s not your fault”. That broke the dam. Seeing her pitiful sobs, the man took her into the house. Nerd’s mother came out and saw her. The woman looked at her with a mix of pity, resentment and grief that broke her further. But the next minute the woman went back in to their kitchen. A minute later she returned with a cup of hot chocolate and choco-chip cookies. Her comfort food… No, the nerd’s comfort food. But the girl took them . let the parents of the nerd take care of her though in her head she kept calling them her parents. Once composed, she gathered her guts and gave into this new aspect of her soul riding on her to ask the couple if she could borrow the notebooks and sand clock of the girl. The parents were taken back for a moment. Then the mother asked her, in a voice too quiet, how she knew of the sand clock. The girl couldn’t answer. She had no answer actually. But her silence and the freaked out expression on her face were enough. The mom completely broke down and the father, who looked stricken had to blink several times, before he went back in, probably to the nerd’s room and came back with what she asked for. He gave them to her, hugged her once, and told her she would always be welcome in ‘this home’ as she began to leave.

The girl couldn’t hold it in anymore, she broke down on the sidewalk as she accepted her new truth. Her new identity. A part of her soul now belonged to nerd. The girl she bullied for years and then inadvertently killed.

The girl wondered if their wishes were too much. The popular girl and the nerd both had something good going for them. The nerd had everything but popularity and the popular girl had the attention of the whole school. But neither of them was content… not really. They kept wondering what would be like, to be on the other side… they kept wishing they had it all … but was it worth it? Was that they had to give up worthy of “Having it all”? The girl didn’t know. Neither part of her soul did! But she did know that what they had now was a second chance to both parts of her soul. And this time around, she wouldn’t waste it. No more wondering. She now had it all, and she was determined to make the most out of it.

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