It was not much before when we used to sit in the classrooms barefoot and listen to the slokas recited by the gurus. Those were the times when my parents started to learn and develop. Beatings were considered as frightful as you are being cursed by the gods. It made people have a sense of terror and respect towards their learning. Okay, so why am I writing about some ancient culture that you and I have been watching and listening to as an ongoing bhashan in our homes, because this is where I started to walk.

It was the morning of December 23rd when I went hiking alone. I was lonely but my path seemed interesting and more importantly silent. I had a normal childhood like any other teen of India. Went to a government school, had strict housing and had cheering friends. More importantly I was interested in others. I was close to teachers, took attendance when they were not in class, did whatever they used to tell me and was a happy easy going student. My sentences here may seem normal and sufficient to you as you have read before but while writing it reminds me of a flash of the last 18 years of my lifetime. I am still young but there are a lot of instances which will make you nostalgic.

Let me start with my nursery or fancy called kindergarten. I am a South Indian and I didn't know Hindi. So while going to school is kinda blurred in my memories but I still remember some instances which i wanna share. I used to get up at 6 am with sometimes a handful of beatings from my mom, but with a high ponytail that looked like a fountain over my head, I was a happy-going child. On my first day, I surprisingly didn't cry like the other kids and went ahead leaving my mom and dad’s faces in awe. Yeah! I know it is not something to be proud of but things went by smoothly until one day I pooped in my skirt and got hit by the school’s masi. She brought a new skirt, told the teacher and she wrote that as a note in my school diary. From that day onward I thought there was something I didn't know how to do, while others can do, and yes it was communicating in Hindi with everyone. Starting with Hindi as a non-native speaker was so difficult. Sometimes tum was tumhara and sometimes jana was no jana. So basically a crash course of my battle with Hindi started. My home became scary and my school became my temple. I would love to go there with a ponytail and have talks with my friends that neither of us understood, but that's when I started to walk. It was just when I graduated from my pre-school with friends whom I also didn't know that their friendship will last forever. My pre-school ended with lots of dance trophies and some recital certificates. There was one thing that always kicked my thoughts inside that time, and it was jealousy. I didn't like if someone was more beautiful than me (as if I was Miss India), I didn't like if my friend talked or went away with someone else, I hated when someone had more grades than me and moreover, I started to go underground. I still remember that during the annual day of my senior kg that I didn't get a prize and I cried so hard that the principal was forced to give me a special trophy at last. Yeah! That's how I was. Let's enter the time of the most dramatic and drastic years of my life. My high school. For a brief, I will tell you my schooling from standard 1st to 8th was the same as above. My mind was full of me and I was the tragic heroine with no real friends and no lovable people around. My parents seemed bossy and annoying while my bathroom was a place of therapy. I had a crush on this guy when I was in 7th grade. He was my neighbor and my mom taught us both till we shifted to a new place and a new home. We, as I thought, were the king and queen of my fairytale. Then what else without any official things I thought he was my boyfriend and started to talk about how he stared at me, how he flirted at me (it was him asking where we needed to put our math homework because I was taking everyone’s notes to the teacher) and how he looks for me. Things with him proceeded according to my imagination till I heard that he had a crush on someone else and was just using me to get her attention. Yeah, you know the high school drama, I was crying and was sad and depressed that I even forgave him without his forgiveness. My dreams of getting married to him crashed like a hell hole and I started to sob on such a historic world war. Up to 9th grade, we didn't talk that much but I still liked him. I used to tell my seatmate to look at his direction and tell me if he was watching me or not. It was not much time when his crush got transferred and I thought this was a God-given direction to me and my chance had at last come. At the end of 9th grade, I was focused on keeping myself good and having excellent grades so no one could replace me. I know it sounds kind of mediocre but yeah I was like that. All I want is the attention of everyone and if someone goes ahead of me, I will do whatever I can to steal that back.

It was the summer of my new grade and that's when he stated that he wanted to be in a relationship with me. Your girl was on the moon and back, and yeah I said yes. His friends who were like brothers to me told me non-stop to not go in-depth with him but here I was in deep shit love, caring for no one. From holding hands to kissing behind the doors when the classroom was empty, I was in full mood. My lips wanted to get wet, I wanted to hold him always and go around blabbering about my boyfriend. It was no later than when we had our board exams and we needed to study so hard, I managed both. He was a player I also knew but I couldn't help myself from taking him away. He was so popular that many girls proposed to him and maybe he said yes, but I wanted him as an obsession. Don't worry, I got good grades, not distracted (Thank you, Mom!)

My feet were no longer walking because I was flying in the teen air of love. Apart from him, so many friends left because of transfers and I being a self-ridden person didn't even try to communicate back. Because of which they got close with the people I hated at that time and I lost myself in the arena of friendship. I feel so bad about my habits of not giving importance to the people who helped me, and giving attention to the ones of no use. It was no longer I was friends with the popular kids in the school and I started to be their tail. I couldn't muster the courage to say “no” and did whatever they wanted me to do. Don't worry! I didn't end up in a bad situation, it was just some bitching and things that I regret now. I got to know that my boyfriend was having an affair with his crush, he was texting and calling her ignoring me, and many more. I was sad and devastated because it was my trust that went, but I was silly enough to forgive him again without his forgiveness. I remember how much I cried because I felt every time he touched me, maybe he was thinking of her and I made him use me. I made everyone use me in the school, whether it was to talk to teachers about some people’s worries or write sheets and homework for them. I was scared I would be left lonely and I would not be popular enough.

Teen is a time to grow and my growth was high in academics and low in life. I have numerous people who used to be deskmates, with whom I ate my lunches and they are long gone. I now feel miserable that I flew with drafting someone down my feet. The sky in which I was flying was maybe blue and white, shining and looking beautiful but I forgot to look beneath my feet to see the empty classes and dry land of emotions and hate. I am thankful for them to reach out to me now, open-heartedly but I am sorry for ignoring you and for using you all. I have regrets of making you do stuff that I wanted and never giving any loyalty and constantness in return. We were again in a relationship in my grade 12, but we broke up on the wrong terms. While I got to know he was still having conversations with some girls I am happy to have memories of love, of connection with him. My most beautiful memories of grade 11 and 12 are having a group of supporting friends that I still have contact with. They told me that I was still a good person, waited for me at my house to get out and go to school with them, and shared my lunchbox with emotions of happiness and love. While they all are busy, still they make fun of me and throw me emotions of care and happiness, and let me believe that yeah!! Some things can never change.

It was the time of my life when I was no longer the first of my grade and I started to accept failure in a good way. It's true that my teachers and parents told me if I was getting distracted but I wanted to have that distraction. This time I flew while the ground below was lush green with flowers. I got to know that friendship is a wonderful thing in your life, and without another note, I was 18.

I had a relationship, friends that left, people who called me ugly because of my dark complexion, friends who took benefit of my relationship with teachers, girls who bitched about me staying close with boys, teachers who saw me as their own child and juniors who saw me as their real elder sister( I still talk to them more than my friends, and I love them for being one of the beautiful memories of high school).

High school or the life up to 18 made me learn so many things. At that time it seemed just as time passed by but now it seems like a learning experience. I was thrown out of my cocoon of jealousy and selfishness, I was left with a feeling of letting things go. I learned to walk with others and fly with happiness and hope beneath. When people made fun of me for my dark complexion, I still remember using whitening creams and sitting and rubbing my body with brushes just to be fair and good-looking. I was walking with no self-respect and self-love but now I am flying with brown patches all over my body with stretch marks that look beautiful. If maturity is growing up and having worries of the future with their 9 to 5 jobs then I am happy that I am not mature. I am 21 now, just graduated from a science background majoring in physics. People who hear this will expect me to be in the next line to sit on the chair of Stephanie Hawking but I am so blunt why I took that. I am happy that for those three years, I was not alone. I thank that girl who was always with me, looking after me, fighting for me, and yes staying with me and my weirdness. Thank you, Vishakha. I am only mentioning your name because I miss your presence here. But even if we are apart you taught me how to stand for myself, how to bargain for stuff, and how to go ahead and order your sandwiches. While studying physics I got more interested in other subjects, yeah and now I am doing a master's major in the one I am interested in.

I didn't pass any national exam though I studied a lot for one, yet I got bad grades, but I am not regretful anymore. I am living alone with a wonderful roommate who is from a totally different cultural and moral background, but I am happy right now.

I started to walk with no language interface, and no friends and flew with regrets and loneliness. But right now I am flying through with breaks to grasp my mind and breath, but I have no regrets and grieve to stand and watch behind. The colors of the sky keep changing, and I do sometimes feel tired and give up, but I need to go ahead and explore with the ones that are flying with me. I started with the old saying of slokas and stories of how people are responsible, but that time was full of honesty and no emotional changes to write with, My parents do have stress and regrets but their responsibility and maturity are what made me and my elder sister. I wanna sit in those classes and listen to those gurus and know how they used to make their own fairytales where they walked and flew with numerous heartbreaks and happiness-filled hearts. As I reached the topmost point where my hike was completed, December was about to end and the new year was about to start. The sunset seemed so red and dark but my eyes were bright and shining because I knew it was time to fly again.

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