Parenting a teenager is never easy. Adults usually react to their teenagers& problems or statements in one of two ways: either they approve or disapprove. Yet the most helpful response to teenagers is often non-judgmental. A non-evaluative response contains neither praise nor criticism. Instead, it identifies feelings, recognizes wishes and acknowledges opinions.

Studies have shown that a teenager’s brain is still actively developing, therefore processes information differently than a mature adult’s brain. The frontal cortex—the part of the brain used to manage emotions, make decisions, reason, and control inhibitions—is restructured during the teenage years, forming new synapses at an incredible rate, while the whole brain does not reach full maturity until about the mid-20’s. Hormones produced during the physical changes of adolescence can further complicate things. Now, these biological differences don’t excuse teens’ poor behavior or absolve them from accountability for their actions, but they may help explain why teens behave so impulsively or frustrate parents and teachers with their poor decisions, social anxiety, and rebelliousness. Understanding adolescent development can help you find ways to stay connected to the teen and overcome problems together. It’s also important to remember that while teenagers are individuals with unique personalities and their own likes and dislikes, some traits are universal. 

When teenagers ask questions usually all they want is a straightforward answer. Some parents have the habit of lecturing. When teenagers are troubled by conflicts, they feel unique. They do not want instant understanding. In fact, to them their emotions seem new, personal, and private. It makes them feel very grown up.  It distresses them to be so transparent, so naïve, so simple; especially when they feel complex, mysterious, and inscrutable. Adolescence is a time when dependency causes hostility. Parents who refuse to let go and who foster dependence are, in actual fact, inviting unavoidable resentment. 

Teenagers crave independence. The more self sufficient the parents make them feel the less hostile they become. A wise parent makes himself increasingly dispensable to his teenagers. He sympathetically watches the drama of growth but resists the desire to intervene too often. Of course, this does not mean you are to let your teenagers be free to do as they please. But whenever it is possible allow the teenagers to make their own choices and to use their own powers. Sprinkle your language with words that encourage independence. To inspire confidence in your teenagers they should be made to feel their thoughts and suggestions are of importance. Give them opportunities to use their creativity, and make their own decisions.

A teenager often responds to correction with obstinacy. He becomes unreachable and unteachable, determined not to be influenced by anyone or forced into anything. A bitter-tongued parent cannot teach respect for facts. Truth for it own sake can be a deadly weapon in family relations. Truth without compassion can destroy love. Some parents try too hard to prove exactly how, where, and why they have been right. This approach cannot but bring bitterness and disappointment. When attitudes are hostile, facts are unconvincing. To be helpful, we need to learn empathy - an ability to respond

genuinely to our child's moods and feelings without being infected by them. We need to help our teenager with his anger, fear, and confusion, without ourselves becoming angry, fearful, and confused.

What do teens need ???

All of us need to feel safe and protected, to have our physical requirements for food, clothing, warmth, and healthcare met. One of the flash points with teenagers may be a conflict between parents' wish to fulfill these needs and a teenager& apparent desire to frustrate or be unrealistic about them. Too often, because teenagers are being moody and withdraw into themselves, we respond by ignoring them. Ignoring bad behaviour and not rising to it is one thing; ignoring the person who is annoying us is another. Teenagers still want to spend time together with their parents. Yes, of course, they’d like to be on their phones or playing games and communicating with their mates, all hours of the day and night. And given the chance, they want to be with them too, either at each other’s homes or out together. But they also still value family time - round a table eating together, watching television as a family, even going out with their parents/family. Teenagers need both stimulation and activity and rest and relaxation. This keeps them fit both mentally & physically thus helping them build their personality. Giving our teen helpful attention helps us to develop close and cooperative relationships with them and builds their confidence, resilience, and self-esteem. It’s a way of showing that we care and that they matter. 

Helpful attention means:

• Enjoying and being interested in who they are and what they’re doing.
• Being responsive – listening to them when they want to talk, even when it might be inconvenient.
• Being guided by the young person rather than always taking charge and imposing our will on them (although sometimes this is necessary, for instance in situations involving safety)

Adolescence is the time for choices. It’s when they have to decide what courses they will study, and what path they will take at least for their early life. But they also have so many other decisions to make. Acknowledging and respecting their choices means that you can see why they feel it important, explaining your thoughts on the matter and inviting them to tell you more in a mutually respectful way.

The methods suggested above are not merely ways or techniques but interpersonal skills, helpful only when used with empathy & genuineness. They are effective when applied selectively & appropriately. Here are a few lines from the Holy Book Bhagavad Gita which speaks about the qualities which need to be instilled in a teenager for his overall character development.

त्रिविधं नरकस्येदं द्वारं नाशनमात्मन: |
काम: क्रोधस्तथा लोभस्तस्मादेतत्त्रयं त्यजेत् ||

Meaning: There are three gateways to destruction — Lust, Greed, and Anger.

क्रोधाद्भवति सम्मोह: सम्मोहात्स्मृतिविभ्रम: |
स्मृतिभ्रंशाद् बुद्धिनाशो बुद्धिनाशात्प्रणश्यति

Meaning: A person with anger loses control to judge what is right and wrong.

Hence, he destroys the power of his intellect, and as it says without intellect, a person can not achieve anything in life. He will be doomed.

मात्रास्पर्शास्तु कौन्तेय शीतोष्णसुखदु: खदा: |
आगमापायिनोऽनित्यास्तांस्तितिक्षस्व भारत ||

Meaning: Learn to tolerate, Nothing is permanent in this world.

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