If something unfavourable happens in life, my mom used to say ‘ellam nanmaike’ in our mother tongue, Tamil, which means ‘Everything  happens for a good reason.’ It is a defence mechanism that helps us cope with the hardships we face in life. It implies a hidden positive note to hope for a better thing to come in future. I had associated this philosophy many a time in my life, and it served the purpose in those situations. However, in two of my life contexts, it had been extremely difficult for me to apply this concept. I could not help thinking what good reasons there would be for such tragedies to happen in my life. 

Two Worst Things

Two incidents turned my world upside down when I was in my thirties.  One was my elder sister’s untimely demise, and the other one was my broken marriage. These were the two worst things that had ever happened to me, and they were absolutely unexpected.

Blow out of the blue

If my sister’s death left me devastated, the way she died had made me eternally agonise. She caused her own death by burning herself, leaving behind her husband and her six-year-old son, whom she had doted on so much so far. Frequent quarrels between the couple had led to the most tragic incident to happen in our family. As a matter of fact, my brother-in-law was not that much of an evil person to trigger my sister to take such a drastic decision.

Trivial problem leading to a huge loss

My sister was so protective of her child and took extreme care of him, showering all her affection and attention on him. On the other hand, her husband was an ordinary father who was, by nature, not good at expressing his affection and adding to that, a rigid disciplinarian. She would have been happy and content had he exhibited little displays of love and care towards his family. She was extremely sensitive, and he took her for granted. That was the problem in their married life, and of course, a problem that could have been sorted out if they had talked heart-to-heart and compromised a little for the sake of their only child.

Sister: My soul mate

Talking about the bonding between my sister and me, it was so close that I could call her the only soul mate I ever had in my life. Born two years apart, my sister and I were more like friends, rather than sisters. We shared anything and everything, and there had been no secret between us. In all honesty, I still regret and blame myself for not being able to be with my sister during her difficult phase of marital discontentment.

Fighting the plights

Parallelly, I was away in another city fighting my own plights with my jobless schizophrenic husband. While working as a teacher for our livelihood, I had to manage the household chores and to deal with my husband’s psychological tantrums as well. It was the most traumatic phase of my life as I had to cover up my husband’s mental condition from others, including my own family and at the same time, I had to struggle day in and day out to bear with my husband’s verbal as well as physical abuse. Not to mention that I had to accompany him for various types of medical treatment in desperation to get him cured of his illness.

Missing the mutual comfort

Mentally distressed, my sister and I were simultaneously making great efforts to save our miserable marriages without disclosing our problems to anyone. We missed each other’s company that could have been a mutual comfort in those challenging days. It was the early nineties when communication technology was not much advanced, so we could be in touch only through inland letters. Emotional outpour in black and white had never been a replacement for a face-to-face conversation. So, our own conflicts remained with us until the doom struck our family. My sister died after a painful 20-day ordeal in the Intensive Care Unit with 75% burns all over her body. Her death jolted our family as well as the whole neighbourhood where she had been a prominent person.

A kind-hearted teacher

My sister, a dedicated elementary school teacher, was a popular and influential personality in our neighbourhood. With her friendly demeanour and personal touch of kindness to each and every person she knows, she has won many hearts in the vicinity. Her little students, once grown up, used to visit her on reaching each milestone of their lives to get blessings from her. She extended a helping hand to the needy, and they showered her with their love and respect. Needless to say, she was almost a celebrity in our locality.

Coping with the loss of a soul mate

Even after months of her loss, I was not in a state to believe that my only sister was no more. Anguish-filled sleepless nights left me drained, and I lost all my energy to fight my own problems. In the meantime, my family, which includes my mother and four brothers, got to know about the clinical condition of my husband. They tried to support him by getting medical treatment for him and helped him get a job to be occupied with, as per the psychiatrist’s advice. However, my hope of making my marriage work was short-lived since he could not fit into any of the jobs offered to him, even for a single day. He was not ready to help us to help him. My brothers tried to persuade him in vain. He was adamant about going back to his hometown, where I would be at home as nothing more than a domestic help.

Energy regained

This time, my mom and brothers restricted me from going with him, considering my safety and dignity. Owing to my weak physical and emotional state, I was not in a situation to make any decision of my own. We thought of giving some space and time for him to change. In the meantime, I went for psychological counselling that helped me get rid of the guilty conscience that tormented me to some extent. With my family to take care of me, I regained my energy both physically and mentally. I was feeling relieved after many years, as if some heavy load had been taken out of my heart. Actually, I realised, then, how much I had been burdened over the years. Moreover, fostering my sister’s son, with whom I always shared a special emotional bond, brought me the utmost happiness, something that I had missed all those years when I was with my husband. To my own astonishment, I began to enjoy my single status. I was now eager to live my own life with dignity on my own terms. It was as if I had never married.

Not more than a stranger

My husband, who went to his hometown to be with his family, never returned or tried to contact me. His family accused me of deserting him instead of doing the needful to sort out the problem. Owing to the counselling sessions I had, I was not ready to lose my newfound freedom that would help me move on in life. In due course, we came to know that he had passed away in sleep. I was shocked to realise that the news affected me as something about a stranger, rather than that of a person who had lived with me for several years as a life partner. However, I was sorry for him as a fellow human being who never attempted to live a normal life in spite of getting all the support he needed, and felt nothing more than that.

Focus on career building

I started living with my youngest brother’s family, along with my mother and nephew. My brother and sister-in-law, being the pillars of my support system, I focused on my career. I got a job to be economically independent. In order to elevate my professional status, I upgraded my educational qualifications and became a lecturer in English language education. 

Pleasures of bringing up a child

Over the course of time, my brother-in-law too expired of cardiac arrest, and my nephew had lost both his parents before he turned 14. I took care of him as my own son and did everything to help him have a happy childhood. Having been brought up in a cheerful joint family, my nephew grew up to be a lovable and sensible human being with family values. Aided by my brother, he did his higher studies abroad and got a responsible administrative job through his hard work.

My son: my world

Whenever he faced a setback in life, I stood up for him as I knew his world would crash down if I had not done so. At the same time, he became my great solace whenever I was on the verge of mental depression. This is how my nephew became my own son, and my whole world revolved around him.

Unfathomable bond

At present, my son has been leading a contented life with his family abroad. Though we do not talk every day, we always feel connected emotionally. Whenever we chat, it would be like something that takes place between a normal mother and a son, with all the affectionate queries regarding each other’s well-being, playful squabbles, sharing everything that happens around, arguments over differences of opinion, and sometimes yelling at each other too. I feel our emotional bonding was something that was unfathomable even to those who were close to us.

Will time heal?

It is believed that time heals, but 30 years haven’t been sufficient for me to come to terms with the unfortunate departure of my sister. It is as if I had lost a part of my soul. Once there was a pure, genuine soul who had spread love and kindness, who died horrifically. Likewise, a soft-spoken, tolerant woman who was willing to compromise anything to lead a peaceful life could not save her marriage. Pondering my past life, I used to wonder what good things came out of these two circumstances.

My sunshine at the end of a dark tunnel

However, in the present context, whenever my son calls me ‘amma,’ the blissful emotion I feel can neither be named nor measured. He is the sunshine I have seen after a long, tiresome journey through the dark tunnel of sorrows. 

Everything happens for a good reason

As my daughter-in-law has once put it, ‘two grief-stricken souls who really needed each other have found each other, and that is the best thing that has come out of those miserable situations.’ Whether everything happens for a good reason or not,  trusting that some best thing is waiting for us in future would definitely bring us strength to face the bitter present.

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