1. You will have to set boundaries & face uncomfortable conversations.

As a chronic people pleaser, setting boundaries (especially with close friends & family) is an absolute nightmare for me. I did not want to lose close emotional bonds, so I pushed myself until I completely fell apart trying to make everyone happy. One fine morning, I woke up and realized that I dreaded interacting with my closest friends. Whilst trying to please everyone, I skipped on everything that brought me pleasure. Going to therapy has taught me that you cannot pour from an empty bowl. During the last 6 months, I have been extensively trying to listen to my needs before those of others - no, that does not make me selfish, it makes me receptive to my own needs. It gives me the power to take up space & ask for what I need; to draw lines and have edgy conversations even in my close personal relationships without the fear of driving them away. It is a freeing realization - that people who truly respect you will adhere to the boundaries that you set for yourself.

2. You will have to trust yourself & the choices you make.

Being a full-time overthinker, I know that it is the easiest thing in the world to doubt your instinct. I spent so much time obsessing over every little decision I made, and whether it was right or wrong. News flash! You can never know if a decision is right or wrong (you know, excluding the obvious ones like arson and chewing ice) until the consequences are in front of you. Yes I know, it is absolute torture to not know what’s going to happen - I mean, letting go of control isn’t for the weak (it’s certainly not for me) - but, it’s okay to let go once in a while to start with. First week of med school, I was asked to organize an ice-breaking event for our batch - I didn’t know these people then any better than you would now. It was unchartered territory, so I did what I did best - talking (maybe even rambling). I’m not going to dive into the details, but many would say it was a good event (some would even say great, and by some, I mean me). It wasn’t something out of the box, it wasn’t unexpected or jaw-dropping but it was entertaining because I let myself be - I had faith in my ability to conduct something like that. It is much easier to trust others and let people make decisions for you (partly to avoid blame, partly to avoid failure), and a lot of conscious effort goes into learning to trust yourself, but it’s something that will take you a long way. You must trust that your mind is doing its best with whatever information it has at that given point in time.

3. You will have to create a safe space for your emotions.

I put a lot of trust in other people to comfort me when I’m down in the dumps. I would even go as far as to say that I’m dependent on my closest friends to offer me consolation when something goes wrong. While it is not a bad thing to have an external support system, it is not advisable to be solely reliant on it for sustenance. I feel a very wide range of emotions at any given point in time, so I absolutely despise being left alone with my thoughts. But - and just hear me out - it’s not a bad thing to sit with your thoughts, understand how they make you feel, and let yourself feel it. You don’t have to address every single thought that is in your head, you can just watch them go by. I remember how utterly exhausted I felt after college right in the beginning because everything was unknown and difficult and scary. I’d do anything to just fall asleep after a long, hard day but my brain felt like it was moving at 100km/h (or whatever you consider a very fast speed). I talked about this in therapy, and my therapist asked me to let them come, and so I did. It’s effective, to say the least. You will have to let your mind and body know that you’re there, and you’re listening to them. You have to be there for yourself and hold yourself when you feel like you need someone. No one can comfort you in the way that you can do it for yourself.

4. It is okay to ask for help.

I talked about being your own safe space, but here’s something you might not want to do if you’re completely self-reliant: ask for help. I know, I know, you function best alone, you don’t trust others to have the same efficiency as you, but let me stop you right there. You can only think from your point of view. I’m sorry to burst the bubble but one person is only capable of thinking from so many directions - you NEED perspective. There’s this show called “The Good Place” (please watch it if you haven’t already) and one of the dialogues goes like, “Humans grow when they are given external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don’t?” I know how the alarms start to go off in your head when you think of asking for help, but let me soothe you. It’s okay to ask for help, and your friends would gladly do it for you.

5. You will have to rest.

It doesn’t matter what your parents, or social media, or the news, or Mark Zuckerburg tells you - please don’t be working 18 hours a day. Your productivity is not equivalent to the number of equations you solve in a day. Your worth is not dependent on your productivity. Let your body and mind rest. Listen to your gut. It is okay to take a break, or a nap when you’re tired. It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay to want to unwind. The hustle culture is not real, and even if it is, it’s not practical.

I strongly believe that we are not put on this earth to do and achieve, but rather to be and feel.

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