During a recent social gathering, I overheard a conversation between two well-educated and respected aunties, one of whom was a retiring college principal. Let's call them Auntie 1 and Auntie 2.
Auntie 1: “I heard your son got married a few months back. How is your daughter-in-law settling into the family?”
Auntie 2 (Principal), her voice cracking with emotion: “Honestly, it’s not how I envisioned at all! I thought marrying my son would be like gaining a daughter, but…”
Auntie 1, leaning in with curiosity: “Oh? What do you mean?”
Auntie 2, tears welling up: “She seems to have complete control over my son now. He doesn’t even check the facts before siding with her.”
Auntie 1, eyebrows raised in surprise: “Really? But your son always has been so sweet and obedient boy! How could he change so suddenly?”
Auntie 2, shaking her head: “I wish I knew. Ever since she came into his life, he’s become a completely different person. He used to consult us about everything, even the smallest one. But now? Last week, he changed his job without even telling us. and they are planning to move to a different city the next month!”
Auntie 1, gasping in shock: "That's quite a change! Have you tried talking to him about it?"
Auntie 2, with a sigh: “Of course, we did. But he brushed us off, saying it was a great opportunity for him and that he'd see significant growth with this new job. When we pressed him on who put the idea into his head, he insisted it was solely his decision. He even went as far as to tell us to keep his wife out of our conversation. But if that were truly the case, why did he anticipate us blaming her for the move? Why take her side before we even had the chance to discuss it? He never spoke to us like that before she came along.”
Auntie 1, nodding sympathetically: "I can see why you're upset. It must be difficult to see your son change so drastically."
Auntie 2, wiping away her tears: "It's heartbreaking, truly. I just want what's best for him, but it seems like he's chosen her over us."
As the conversation between the two aunties took a downward turn, I couldn't help but feel a pang of discomfort and sympathy for the young couple they were discussing. You see, they were close friends of mine, and I knew their story from a completely different angle.
The sweet and obedient son of the principal had lived his entire life under the shadow of his parents’ expectations. Every decision, every choice had been made for him, without regard for his own desires or aspirations. His parents believed they knew what was best for him, dismissing his individuality and autonomy in favor of their own vision for his future.
Despite his compliance, he carried a heavy burden of fear and loneliness. Unable to express his true feelings to his parents for fear of disappointment or anger, he suppressed his own voice to maintain the façade of obedience. While others admired his apparent sweetness, he felt suffocated by the pressure to conform to his parents’ wishes.
In his mind, he screamed for liberation, for understanding, for the chance to be heard. But his parents remained oblivious to his silent struggles, consumed by their own narcissism and desire to mold him into their ideal image of success.
Even after his marriage, the control didn’t cease. He watched helplessly as his parents extended their influence to his wife, dictating her choices and suffocating her freedom. Their attempts to manipulate her decisions and lifestyle only fueled his determination to break free from their grasp.
Haunted by the fear that his children would suffer the same fate as his, he resolved to take a stand. For himself, for his wife, for the future he dreamed of creating. He refused to let his parents dictate the course of his life any longer, determined to carve out a path of his own choosing, free from their suffocating control.
In the face of adversity, he found the courage to defy expectations, to challenge the status quo, and to fight for the freedom he so desperately craved.
The topic of parental expectations in our community often carries the weight of silence, treated as a taboo subject that only a few are willing to confront. As parents, we may feel entitled to set expectations for our children, believing it is our right to decide their paths because they are our flesh and blood. We convince ourselves that we know what’s best for them better than they do themselves, leading us to push them beyond their limits without considering their own wishes or aspirations.
In our pursuit of what we believe is best for them, we may inadvertently create a rift between us and our children. They may feel unable to express their true feelings about our expectations, fearing our disappointment or worse, anger. As a result, they withdraw emotionally, feeling disconnected from us and unable to bridge the gap between their desires and our demands.
What we fail to realize is that by prioritizing our own desires over their autonomy, we are damaging the foundation of trust and communication in our relationship. Our children need to feel heard and understood, to know that their voices matter as much as ours do.
Communication should be a two-way street, a dialogue where both parties have the space to express their thoughts, feelings, and aspirations. Instead of imposing our expectations on our children, we need to open ourselves to truly listening to their hopes and dreams, and work together to navigate the journey of life as a supportive and understanding family unit.
In doing so, we can bridge the gap that separates us and foster a relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and love. After all, the true measure of our success as parents lies not in how well our children adhere to our expectations, but in how deeply they trust us to support them in their own unique paths to fulfillment and happiness.
Indeed, the scenario we've discussed is just one of many where parental expectations can strain the relationship between parents and children.
Parental expectations can manifest in various aspects of a child's life, ranging from academic performance to career choices, romantic relationships, and adherence to cultural or societal norms. While parents may have the best intentions at heart, the pressure to meet these expectations can create significant tension and conflict within families.
When children feel overwhelmed or suffocated by the weight of parental expectations, it can lead to a range of negative emotions, including resentment, frustration, and a sense of being misunderstood or undervalued. The pressure to excel in academics or pursue a specific career path, for example, can leave children feeling trapped in a path that may not align with their own passions or aspirations.
Similarly, parental expectations regarding marriage or cultural norms can impose restrictions on a child's freedom to choose their own path in life. The pressure to marry a particular partner or adhere to rigid cultural traditions can leave children feeling torn between honoring their parents' wishes and following their own hearts.
In extreme cases, the strain caused by parental expectations can result in estrangement, where children choose to distance themselves from their parents in order to preserve their own sense of identity and autonomy. This can be heartbreaking for both parents and children, as it represents a breakdown in the fundamental bonds of love and trust that should characterize the parent-child relationship.
Here's another example of how a once tightly bonded family fractured due to the actions of the parents, yet the children bore the brunt of the blame.
Diya and Varun enjoyed a blissful marriage for over five years, both flourishing in their careers and cherishing their shared dreams. Yet, amidst their picturesque life, a faint feeling of incompleteness persisted – they had not been blessed with kids yet. While Varun remained unfazed, believing that everything unfolds in its own time. But his parents grew increasingly anxious.
Varun’s mother urged them to seek medical advice, concerned about their inability to conceive. Initially hesitant, Diya eventually agreed to undergo tests alongside Varun, hoping to uncover the root cause of their infertility. The results suggested challenges that made traditional conception impossible, though in vitro fertilization remained a viable option.
Learning of Diya’s infertility, Varun’s parents were devastated. Despite Diya’s initial reluctance to pursue treatment, Varun stood firmly by her side. However, relentless pressure from Varun’s parents eventually swayed Diya to undergo fertility treatments, driven by the longing of motherhood and the desire to fulfill familial expectations.
Despite her unwavering efforts, Diya’s attempts at IVF proved futile, leaving her heartbroken and desperate. Enduring derogatory remarks and relentless demands from her in-laws, she grappled with feelings of inadequacy and despair. The failure of their second attempt only worsened tensions within the family, leading Varun’s parents to issue a devastating ultimatum: either divorce Diya and seek another woman capable of bearing children or cut off all ties with the parents.
Varun remained unwavering in his loyalty to his wife, irrespective of her ability to conceive. Exhibiting profound devotion, he made the courageous decision to stand by Diya, despite his parents’ disapproval. As a result, they faced expulsion from their family home, shunned by judgmental peers and societal norms.
In search of solace overseas, Varun and Diya began a new journey in London, escaping the judgement and bias that plagued their lives. Despite the challenges they faced, their love endured, and strengthened by shared struggles and unwavering commitment to each other.
Years later, Diya and Varun welcomed triplets into their lives, a symbol of their resilience and unwavering love. Although Varun’s parents made efforts to mend the relationship upon learning of their grandchildren, the scars of betrayal and abandonment ran too deep, leading Varun to choose forgiveness but not reconciliation.
Parents sometimes don’t realize that their relationship with their adult children is changing. They might try to control or discipline them like they did when they were younger. But as children become independent adults, these methods can cause more harm than good. It can damage the parent-child relationship beyond repair. So, it’s important for parents to adjust their approach and treat their adult children with respect and understanding as they navigate their own lives.
Parents sometimes use scolding, threats, or emotional manipulation to make their children do what they want. They may think it’s necessary to keep their children in line to help them succeed or to give in to their demands, but they might not realize that their children are individuals with their own thoughts and feelings.
Moreover, when faced with resistance or defiance from their adult children, some parents may resort to public shaming or portraying their children in a negative light to others in their social circle. By presenting a one-sided story that paints their children as disobedient or disrespectful, parents seek validation and support from society, often without considering the impact on their children’s reputation and self-esteem.
Unfortunately, this approach can lead to a breakdown in trust and communication between parents and children. Instead of fostering understanding and mutual respect, it creates resentment and animosity, further driving a wedge between family members.
It’s crucial for parents to understand the evolving nature of their relationship with their adult children and adjust their parenting approach accordingly. Rather than seeking control and validation from others, parents should focus on communicating openly, showing empathy, and respecting their children’s independence. Creating a supportive and caring atmosphere, they lay the foundation for a strong, resilient, and fulfilling family bond that withstands the tests of time.