One fine day, as I walked past a mother-child duo, I overheard the mother sternly addressing her child in public, “Do you truly believe these grades are satisfactory? Have you considered the sacrifices we make to afford your education at that prestigious school? We are providing you with opportunities we never had, striving to give you what our own parents couldn’t. All so you can reach heights we couldn’t even dream of at your age. You don’t understand the lengths we have gone to ensure your comfort above anything and everything else, without even a word of complaint. But with grades like this, do you honestly believe you will succeed in life? That you will reach anywhere? I fear you won’t even reach where we are today if this continues. How will we face your aunt and uncle next week at the dinner? What will we answer when they will ask about your result? That you scored 85/100 in math and only 88/100 in science? That you couldn’t even score the total of 90% in total? What will they think of us? We will become laughingstock because of you.”

She was seething with anger, paying no attention to her 13-14- year-old son who was crying uncontrollably, feeling as though he had committed a grave crime. Passerby couldn’t help but overhear the mother’s harsh words about her child’s grades, transforming the situation into a public spectacle. While the child felt the embarrassment of his mother’s public criticism, the mother remained oblivious to the stares around them. Her criticism didn’t stop there though. Next, she uttered the words that no mother should ever say to her child, even in private. “Oh, how I wish Roy were my son right now! He scored 100/100 in both math and science. He surpasses you in every possible way that counts. You should try to be more like him and make your parents proud for once.”

The scene was truly heart-breaking. I found myself unable to bear witness any longer. What made it even more distressing was observing the boy’s reaction to his mother’s harsh words – there was no sign of shock or surprise in his demeanor. Hurt, yes. But no shock or surprise. It seemed he had grown accustomed to his mother's harsh treatment, suggesting a troubling pattern of criticism and disappointment that had become deeply ingrained. His stoic response spoke volumes about the emotional toll he must have endured countless times before, perhaps becoming accustomed to his mother’s unrelenting judgement and high expectations.

We often believe that by scolding our children, we are motivating them to excel and make us proud. It is a tactic we imply, thinking it will encourage them to strive for improvement. Yet, in reality, we are gradually breaking their self-esteem to a point of irreparability.

Similarly, when we compare them to their peers, we may believe we are setting a benchmark for them to surpass, driving them to become the best version of themselves. However, this constant comparison chips away at their confidence, leaving long-lasting emotional scars.

In our pursuit of what we perceive as their best future, we sometimes push them beyond their limits, believing we are helping them reach their full potential. Yet, in reality, we are imposing our aspirations onto them, often at the expense of their own dreams and desires. This can lead to a form of emotional bullying, where they feel compelled to fulfill our unrealistic expectations.

Ultimately, our intentions may stem from a desire to live vicariously through our children, to achieve what we couldn’t in our own time. However, in doing so, we risk overshadowing their individuality.

It is crucial for us, as parents, to recognize the fine line between nurturing and suffocating their growth, ensuring that our guidance fosters their autonomy and self-discovery rather than stifling it.

Let me share another example of the same. About two years ago, I reunited with a close friend after nearly five years. Our daughters are nearly the same age, mine being two and a half and her being two at the time. We exchanged warm greetings and caught up on life for a while. Soon, my friend began discussing her daughter, describing her as “very active”, “stubborn” and “talkative”, among other traits. I listened without comment.

While I do take pride in my daughter’s achievements, I refrain from boasting about her to others. I have noticed that whenever I share her accomplishments, people tend to compare her to either their own children or those they know of. Hence, I prefer my child to be herself.

When my friend inquired about my daughter, I shared that she had recently started school, displaying intelligence and a quick grasp of concepts, along with a love of colouring. However, my friend seemed dissatisfied. She probed further, asking if my daughter had begun speaking even though it was evident she was still developing in that area. I still admitted that while she understood, she wasn’t very verbal yet.

To that, my friend reacted as though it were a catastrophe, insisting that my daughter was lagging behind and suggesting speech therapy at two and a half years old. She further proceeded to compare every aspect of my daughter’s development to her own child’s, highlighting perceived shortcomings and implying I should learn from her parenting and what she perceived as the ideal development for a child of that age.

In essence, it was downright toxic. There is no other word for it. So, once my friend finished her critique, I responded simply, stating that I believe my daughter is doing exceptionally well and I am proud of her regardless. And that she is a unique individual, not an object to be compared to others.

However, had I not been aware of the harm comparisons can inflict on a child, the situation could have escalated. I might have succumbed to pressure and pushed my daughter beyond her readiness, heightening her distress. At two and a half years old, facing parental judgement on top of societal expectations could have been overwhelming for her.

Let me share another example of the pressure that we put on our children. A close family friend of ours used to proudly showcase every little achievement of their daughter in our social group. Whether it was a compliment from a teacher in kindergarten or top grades in school, her parents made sure to broadcast it to every group they were part of.

However, as the daughter grew older, I noticed her becoming increasingly withdrawn in social settings. While she graciously accepted congratulations for her latest achievements, she would then distance herself from the crowd, seeming uncomfortable with further interactions. Unfortunately, her parents failed to recognize the change in her behavior, attributing it to mere fatigue from constant socializing.

During one social gathering, I approached her and sensed something amiss behind her smiling façade. Despite her reassurances, her smile felt rehearsed, hinting at deeper struggles beneath the surface.

Weeks later, we received distressing news that she had been hospitalized and was in critical condition. It emerged that the pressure of constantly living up to others’ expectations had become unbearable for her, leading her to attempt to take her own life.

Her parents were devastated, unable to comprehend how their loving daughter had reached such a breaking point. They were unaware of the immense burden she had been carrying – the fear of failure and the relentless pressure to maintain the image of perfection that they had projected to others. They failed to realize that by publicizing her every achievement, they had inadvertently subjected her to the scrutiny and judgement of others, leaving her feeling trapped and unworthy.

This tragic incident highlights the dangerous consequences of parental pressure and the harmful effects of social validation on a child’s mental health. Parents must recognize that their children are more than just trophies to be showcased to the world. Instead of imposing unrealistic expectations, they should provide unconditional love and support, nurturing their child’s self-worth and autonomy. We must remember that as parents, our role is to guide and protect our children, not to burden them with the weight of our own aspirations and insecurities.

As parents, it is essential to recognize our limitations and understand that we are not divine beings capable of determining our children’s destinies. Instead, we must acknowledge that each child has their own unique journey to navigate. Our role is not to dictate their goals or force them along a predetermined path, but rather to offer guidance and support as they navigate life’s challenges.

Imagine ourselves as the guiding light for our children, particularly during their darkest moments. We are there to provide comfort, wisdom, and reassurance when they stumble or encounter obstacles along their journey. Our job is not to impose our ambitions onto them, but to instill in them the resilience and determination to overcome adversity.

Rather than pushing them towards predefined goals, our focus should be on fostering their inner strength and resilience. We need to empower them to pick themselves up when they fall and to find their own way forward. Our role is to be a constant source of support and encouragement, reminding them that they are capable of overcoming any obstacle that comes their way.

Ultimately, our greatest responsibility as parents is not to shape our children’s future according to our own desires but to nurture their independence and self-belief. By embracing this mindset, we can empower our children to chart their own course and find fulfillment on their unique paths in life. 

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