“Koi apne saath kaisa bhi kare, apne ko hamesha acha hi karna hai” (No matter how others are with us, we’ll be good to them, either way.)

This line by my Nani will be forever etched into my heart. These words that seemed so simple just a few days ago, aren’t ‘simple’ anymore. They hold way more value and weightage than I ever thought. She said this line innumerable times, and my response was always “ Aise thori hota hai?”( That’s not how it should be, right?). To be honest, I always thought that a world like this doesn’t deserve a person like this, but little did I know that God would take this so seriously and take her away from us this soon.

Growing up, my nani’s place-- like everybody’s--was a safe space. No matter where I am in the future and what I might be doing in my life, nothing will match the joy of visiting my nani’s place as a kid. I remember being the happiest when my mother used to say, “Iss weekend nanibadi chalte hai”( Let’s go to Nana-Nani’s place this weekend). I used to stay there for a day each time, and that was probably the highlight of my entire month.

Talking about my equation with her, I think it’s one of the best I could ever have with someone. While in some instances, the generation gap would creep in, let me be very honest, that was rare, and I would personally never blame her for having a different opinion on things. I think I was way more open and vulnerable in front of her, as compared to most people in my life. We could talk about anything and have fun, and that was the very core of our relationship. My connection with her was one of the few pure connections I’ve had in my life to date, and to believe that she’s gone, it’ll probably take me ages to process.

Life is weird, to be honest. One minute, we’re supposed to talk to people, socialize, form bonds, and get habituated to each other, and then suddenly, another minute, they’re gone? How do we deal with this? It’s so unfair. Not a second in my life did I think of how empty that place would be without her; she made that HOUSE a HOME, and without her, no matter what happens next, it’ll remain an incomplete place. She helped everyone and was there for everyone, no matter what the situation was. After her death, all I see from most people, if not all, is just love and admiration for the person she was, for the support and care everyone received from her. They don’t make people like this anymore.

“Mere jaane ke baad hi mera value hoga”. ( Only when I go, people will value me)

This is what she told me when she came to our place, for the very last time. I remember talking to her for more than an hour that day; lying on my bed, it was just her and me, just how I liked it. Whenever she used to tell me anything bad that she had dealt with in the past, or was still dealing with, considering it was none of her fault in most cases, I used to feel agitated and irritated. I used to blame her for still being good to all those who weren’t ever good to her, and did absolutely nothing in return, and all she said was:

“Upar jaake bhagwan ye thori dekhenge ki wo bura kiya toh isliye meri taraf se bhi bura hua, wo toh yahi dekhenge ki humne bura kiya”( When I finally leave the world, god will only see my actions and not that my actions are a repercussion of somebody else’s bad actions).

Now that I sit and think about it, these words make so much more sense. This is what she told me just 10 days before she left and I can say this with immense confidence that god only has gotten the chance of praising her, because she has never hurt a soul. She used to talk about how she atleast wants to be here till my marriage and I used to cut her off the minute she used to start talking about marriage.

One fine day, we randomly started discussing her life. She told me that she is the youngest child in her family and how her parents loved and worried about her the most, fearing that they wouldn’t be able to spend much time with her as they were growing old and she was growing up. All I could see in my Nani’s eyes was immense happiness and gratitude for her parents; she said that their thoughts were far ahead of their time. This also became the sole reason why she got married late, at the age of 19( which at that time was a HUGE deal). Amidst everything else, she told me that her father wanted her to keep studying as much as she could, and that became the sole reason that she completed her entire schooling before getting married.

She lost her parents at a very young age; she was 25 when her father died ( just 3 days before my mother was born), and soon after him, it was her mother’s turn. It broke her. When she told me this, all that I felt was sympathy; I felt sad for her. But just sometime later, here I am feeling empathy and not sympathy. I can relate to everything she’s felt then, because it is what I am feeling at the moment. And I can’t even imagine the fate of my Nanu. He has had my Nani by his side, like a rock, for the past 54 years; his pain is beyond my imagination, and I wish him nothing but the best. All of us will try to make him feel the best, but I know nothing will ever substitute. More than anything else, the sole reason is that he was so dependent on Nani for every single thing, from his medicines to getting a leg massage every day, to making sure he eats the right things at the right time; she was the wind beneath his wings. And then, here is my mother, who has had a habit of speaking to my Nani at least 4 times a day on the phone for the past 24 years of her life. Whenever I think about my pain or how depressed I am feeling after this situation, all I remember is that my mother has literally lost her mother, and she’s still trying her best, just for our sake. She has been telling so many incidents and things that Nani has been telling her for so long, and honestly, I will never be tired of hearing those in my life. I can’t imagine what she is going through, there’s absolutely nothing like the pain of losing a mother. I’m just the proudest daughter. I’ve seen her like this for the first time in my life, and she’s still pushing her limits and dealing with the whole thing like a superhero. She isn’t getting worked up or tired with all the questions people are asking relating to my Nani's death, but is repeating the same story innumerable times without getting angry.

From now on, I know whenever I sit alone, all I will think of is how it would all be different if Nani were still here. I would do anything to bring her back, she’s quite literally the light of all our lives. When my father broke this news to me early in the morning, my ears were pretty sure what they heard, but my heart was just not ready to believe what I heard; I zoned out for a minute before I could even fathom the fact that this was true. She was perfectly okay, an active woman who did all her tasks like a pro, who would’ve thought?

I genuinely think that as long as we have something, we don’t value it enough. I have so many regrets; I should’ve spoken to her for an hour and not only 10 minutes that night, I should’ve stayed in touch way more, I should’ve told her how much I love her and how adorable she is, just the way she is. While wanting everything in life, we often end up not valuing what we have today. I think if I sit down and count on my blessings, rather than waiting or expecting from people who probably don’t even deserve my time, it’ll make a huge difference in my life. Just think of how much time you can save if you stop worrying about societal judgment, if you stop seeking attention from a million people, and just stay grateful and content with the people who you already have in life, you’ll end up not ruining your mental space, and learn how to be happy!

Most importantly, do what you love! Today, because of my Nani, I’m able to do something which I am extremely passionate about; she had always encouraged me to take time out for my passion, she helped me find my passion and most importantly she gave me a platform where I can reach out to a million other minds like me; young and confused, just trying to find their journey and story. Eternally grateful for all that she did for me, and I can’t wait to keep making her proud each time she looks at me from above.

Please take care of yourselves, be kind to everybody today, because you never know what might happen tomorrow. Spread nothing but kindness and joy.

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