I have been a post–graduate in nursing, a lecturer in the medical surgical department, and later shifted my career to a counseling psychologist. Since the age of 15, I wanted to pursue a career in psychology but due to various reasons, I had to choose nursing as a career. My career transition was inevitable to pursue my passion and I succeeded in it by becoming a student again by overcoming so many challenges and securing a P.G. in counseling psychology. Now looking, back I have learned a lot about how silencing women has impacted the lives of many women, especially about their mental and physical health. Women are silenced by saying the shh… word, irrespective of age, socio-economic and cultural backgrounds. The shared narratives of many women whom I came across in my personal and professional life, have motivated me to reflect more on this topic and pen down my opinion regarding the common areas where women are silenced. Let me throw light on some common areas where women have to hear the "Shh…" word more often in patriarchal families.

1. Do girls have the freedom to choose their profession and express their opinions regarding career choice?

In many families, people are reluctant to invest time and money when it comes to a girl child’s education. Providing higher education to female children is considered as a 3- or 4-year project with minimum investment, maximum benefit a zero tolerance for uncertainty and professional risks in the future. Sadly, the girl children are considered as projects not people, who have high demand in the marriage market. It is an undeniable fact that the majority of girls are forced to take a girly profession and their concerns such as pursuing their dream profession and passion remain unaddressed and in extreme cases they are silenced by counterarguments and threats of uncertainty in the future.

2 . Projecting and maximizing the burden of rearing a girl child in the name of “Dowry the most dangerous social evil.”

In my opinion, especially in patriarchal families, the dowry system benefits only the families whether it is the bride’s family or the groom’s family. I will make my opinion clear if you are wondering why, it is beneficial for both families. Considering the groom’s family if they agree to a particular amount say 25 lakhs (hypothetical), half of the money is taken for the so-called “marriage expenses” and the other half may be spent to buy ornaments for the bride. A few days after marriage, it is seen as a common phenomenon that the groom’s family starts seeing these ornaments as an advantage and starts asking for these ornaments to meet the family’s expenses. These ornaments have a pivotal role in such families while considering the budget of buying a property, fixing the marriage of the groom’s siblings, or meeting simple expenses in the family other than the bride’s needs. This dowry has a major role in creating tension and conflict in families. Moreover, many of the families consider this as their possession or as a monetization to allow the bride to stay at their in-law's house even if she has to endure domestic violence and abuse in such families. It is a shocking fact that the bride gets tortured to hand over these ornaments to the in-laws and some people even shamelessly ask for more amount soon after spending all this money for their expenses.

In the case of the bride’s family, the dowry acts as a silencer for women facing issues such as domestic violence and to keep their mouths shut if they dare to ask for equal rights in patriarchal property. Let me make my point clear, in many families dowry doesn’t come up to 10 % of the possessions that are given to the male offspring as patriarchal property, especially in South Indian families. Moreover, this amount given as dowry is highlighted in every family conversation especially to gaslight the victim to keep her mouth shut whenever she reports domestic violence and harassment from her in-law's house. Over time, the girl eventually loses her self-esteem and self-worth and develops the belief that she is less valued compared to the money her parents spent to marry her off to such a miserable house.

This barbarian dowry system has a very significant role in impersonalizing women and transforming their lives into mere commodities who later serve as punching bags in their husband’s homes. My question to all my readers is “Do we have a role in devaluing our girl child in the name of this age-old dowry system? I sincerely wish for a future where dowry is completely banned and every child is treated equally in families irrespective of gender. If you want to give your girl child something out of concern it is better to give her a share of her patriarchal property solely in her name only if she needs it.

3. Infidelity of the male partner and forcing the woman to take responsibility for her partner’s unfaithful behavior.

In some families women are held responsible for their partner’s cheating habits and the entire family keeps the responsibility on the woman’s shoulders to change her husband’s behavior. The women are expected to keep her mouth shut when she is in such an embarrassed and sad situation following her partner’s cheating. There is an additional responsibility for this woman to protect the family’s so-called dignity by keeping silent and she is expected to make all efforts to stop spreading the news in the family and friend’s circle. Even though this sounds quite odd, there are plenty of women who suffer silently after they are cheated by their partners. The unexpressed emotional trauma that is stuck in their body is manifested in the form of physical illnesses. The emotional trauma and attachment injury following a partner’s disloyal behavior further damage the already strained relationship. It is time to consider the fact that heredity and environment have a significant role in molding a person’s personality and behavior. Several research studies say there is heredity involved in cheating behavior. My question is, can the institute of marriage be considered a rehabilitation center to deal with all sorts of behavioral issues? My answer is no, people it’s time to take responsibility for your actions and face the consequences if you do good or bad.

4. Intimate partner violence (IPV)

Even in this modern society, IPV is minimized as a common response in couple conflicts. Surprisingly some of the elder family members who act as moderators in couple conflict, try to resolve the conflict by negative peace-making strategies. Many victims of IPV reported that their close family members asked them to keep silent when they had to suffer domestic violence. It is insanely ridiculous that the family members even though educated, often blamed the victims for provoking their partners to become aggressive and violent during a couple's conversation or during verbalizing their opinions or feelings during communication. It is commonly observed that, once the male partner starts hitting their wife, this act of violence gets repeated during future interactions if it is not addressed early and necessary actions are taken to stop this violent behavior. If not dealt with properly this cycle of abuse continues and these cruel acts of violence will become more intense and habitual and the male partner is reinforced in maintaining this behavior if he doesn’t have to face any negative consequences’’. Regarding the victim, over time, the victim gets used to this cycle of abuse loses her self-esteem, and ends up in a state of learned helplessness.

5. Are women safe in their in-law’s house? or are they silenced when they voice out abuse?

Unfortunately, there is a minority of women who had to suffer threats of sexual harassment or in rare cases sexual molestation in their in-law's house. This usually happens in families where there is already a couple of conflicts and there is some sort of smear campaign against the victim, especially in pathological narcissistic families. Whatever the victim says about her sufferings and abuse is not heard and she is often silenced by family members asking her to be very cautious not to spread rumors. I wonder why the reality is often twisted and the victim is asked to stay cautious and keep herself safe from the abuser. There is a false notion that sexual abuse can never happen in families and also elder women are safe from sexual harassment and threats. The majority of women who face these kinds of threats are seen as extremely anxious and some even present with symptoms of complex PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). These women will often have self-doubt and self-esteem issues which can further deteriorate their well-being.

The sad fact is that the victim has to suffer the gaslighting and they are often accused of causing embarrassing situations in the family if she dares to verbalize her trauma and the incident of abuse. I am wondering why people are more concerned about safety in the streets while ignoring the fact that the first and foremost place women need safety is at their homes.

My only intention in voicing my opinion is to help the silenced victims and survivors understand that they are not alone in their healing journey. There are plenty of women from all walks of life going through some sort of oppression to varying degrees and when women start verbalizing these concerns they may feel more validated. Dear women, understand that your feelings are real and your emotions following these difficult situations are real concerns that need to be addressed in a safe platform. Seek support from people who understand you and if needed seek professional help since your mental health matters. Sending love to all brave women who are at least trying to shatter their fear of hearing the shh…word and voicing out their needs and concerns. This is your life and you can be both gentle and stern, it’s you who has the right to decide where to say yes and where to say no. Your future lies in your hands and you are responsible for your healing journey.

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