Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Hi sweetling,
I have tried to reach you many times but I know we can never happen plus I have always felt like you're kind of ignorant and mean, I felt like you'd probably laugh at me if I reached out to you, so I am cowardly writing this way.
So I wanted to tell you that I love you.
But it's all over now, I've decided to give up on you, on us. I realized I was foolishly thinking I love you when I don't even know anything about you, I liked you obviously and a little excessively which eventually made me think I love you when I actually am just fascinated by you, yes I can't deny that fact that my heart raced every time I looked at you and just the sight of you made me feel fuzzy, my head buzzed with some kind of alertness, I would immediately seek flight of the situation no matter where I am, I was obsessing over you to the point of sabotaging myself for not being brave enough to tell you how I feel and eventually for having feelings in the whole, having feelings is not a bad thing but that's how I felt back then.
I am writing to you to let you know that I like you, I like you a little too much to call you just a crush, but then I don't like you enough to name you as my boyfriend or lover, not even in my dreams, You're just someone special to me, if someone asks me who I like the most besides my family, you'd be the first one to pop in my head, that's how much i like you, now that it's been soo long I even forgot why and what i liked about you, it's just like an old habit now.
Will you believe me if I say that I used to hate and despise you at the start? it's funny how I have grown to like you this much, at that time my friends and I were talking about all our crushes and unknowingly I thought of you, I was shocked, I am not someone who likes people at first sight, I like people only after I have bonded with them, thoughts of you confused me, I scolded myself for thinking of random people since then you never left my mind, you're still living rent-free in my head.
I was worried sick whenever you coughed, not the normal one but the chronic continuous one that carried on throughout the day, I was so worried and searched the internet in vain.
I like the cloudy and rainy weather the most but you seem to cough a lot around that time and I was like 'Well aren't we perfect? One likes the rain and the other gets sick' so I used to imagine you and I in a study room filled with books and piano and of course tea brewing in a corner filling up the room with it's smell, we would just stand in silence before the floor-length window watching the pouring rain with one blanket over our shoulders bathing in the love and warmth that pours out of you, and every time I hear Gordon's Jeremy and Maureen, this is the only image I get in my mind, I feel like that piece is absolutely and only about you and me. And stupidly I started to connect much of the music with you, I didn't really like French but whenever I heard Patrick's Je te Laisserai I drifted off to dreamland with you by my side, no T's song was as relatable as were after you, especially the daylight.
I knew you started to acknowledge my presence, our eyes met more often than before, I used to feel both scared and thrilled, I was scared that I really would fall for you, you looking back at me, that fact alone thrilled me, I was getting giddy like a child, to see you every other day and for the love of God we even started to match clothes like we started wearing same color palettes, I was beyond happy, I thought maybe we are connected in someway to have thought to wear same colors unknowingly, but who am I kidding? it's you we are talking about.
And whenever you appear before me I felt repulsive as much as I find you attractive it's was like there's some kind of force stopping me, restricting me, maybe it's your vibes, i am not saying you have bad vibes, you have calm, clean and good vibes, i liked your energy i still do, but there are times when you totally ignored me and then there are times when you looked back at me, the push and pull game was too much for my poor heart, I used to feel literal cold pain in my chest everytime you ignored me and a warmth filling up my chest everytime we made eye contact, the only common thing was that you had absolutely no reaction everytime, it's just...confusing and the embarrassment that follows is heavy and painful, for those few moments our eyes met my brain blanks out and body freezes i used to hate how my brain reacted everytime, it literally stops and I have to beg my own body to behave normally, i didn't understand why you have no reaction at all, I wondered if it is because you didn't notice me or are you better at controlling your emotions or worse that you didn't care to react, I must say I even like that aspect about you, I liked how you looked stone cold and i wanted to be like you.
Then one day we really did meet, I had a chance to sit with you and you not even for a split-second glanced in my direction, I was desperately trying to relax and not to show any emotion but there you're sitting all calm and cool, those few minutes I was on pins and needles, the whole time my heart beat was soo loud that it was all I could hear in ears, it felt very suffocating and difficult for me to catch up with my emotions and you had zero reactions, it made the suffocation worse so I left early thanking for your service, then, as usual, I cried that day, bawled my eyes out with my lord cause of the overwhelming emotions I felt.
After that I came to a conclusion, I understood that you don't and won't see me as a woman, I understood that your heart will never respond to me and you'll never look back for me.
So I talked myself into getting out of you, I did it before the talking myself out of this agony thing by trying to get close to other men but all my life my heart never raced as it did for you, I was scared to tell someone, I feared if I say it out loud it'll become real, I don't want to admit to anyone that some unknown man controlled my heart, so I tried really hard and almost succeeded, I managed to stop my heart racing game whenever I see you and this time too I was confident cause I have stronger reasons.
But it wasn't just happening cause in one corner of my heart I still wanted one small chance with you, to get to know you, I wanted to hold your hand see how it'll fit with mine, I wanted to be aware of your body scent and feel familiar with it, I wanted to travel with you, i used to think that just sitting next to you is enough to fill up my heart but soon i was becoming selfish i wanted more than just holding hands, i wanted to know how you laugh, how do you react when you're angry, i wanted to know if you enjoy dad jokes cause i have plenty in store, i wanted to know if you're upset about something and i strongly wanted to be the one who can ease your pain, i wanted to be your comfort person, you know how sometimes we want our mother by our side when we feel sick, a whole entire person for ourselves, just like that i started to feel like i want you all to myself, when i fell sick i wanted you beside me, hugging me, soothing me, lulling me to a deep slumber and whenever i felt low i wanted you to hold my hand, cup my face, kiss my forehead, hug me tightly, tell me that i am not a bad person just because i took bad decisions, tell me that i am a complete and perfect women even if i can't bear children, i wanted you to pamper me, yeah, I know i sound insane and pathetic.
Idk but I wanted you in all possible ways as in physically, emotionally, and personally, I just wanted you and only you, I still feel perturbed about why I was so inclined towards you when you're not even my type, I always admired men who are tall and lean, I can't figure out why I was drawn to you or how I came to like and care this much for you, I was and still am content and satisfied with all the love I receive from my family and friends but idk why I craved for your attention, your love, and your support, I wanted you to be at least a part of my life if not forever, but I couldn't dare do anything other than glance at you and feel all the feels.
So sometime later I realized I was crying over the defeat of a war that I never even tried to fight in, and then slowly and painfully I started to mourn over the memories we might have had if we ever talked. As someone who expresses herself through writing, I wrote many unsent letters to you and, drowned in sorrow I took out my frustration on those letters, I burned them and willed myself to look at the feelings melting into ashes but not even once I could stand straight looking at the flames, those were my feelings after all. Even after 2 total years of my journals filling up with thoughts and dreams about you and our imaginary conversations, here I am still suffering and struggling to get over you.
One day you disappeared, I last saw you around March, and then just like that you literally disappeared. I was fine at first, I felt happy thinking that maybe you settled into a job, it was all fine and good on the outside but whenever I prayed for release from the feelings about you I cried, how could I ever let you go without hurting myself first!! Sometimes I cried so much that I lost strength to go on in a day and sat in bed mourning.
I slowly tried to build myself, made new friends, and started working out, I thought everything was going fine and I was confident that one day I'll be fine.
Then after almost 6 months, you appeared again, I thought I imagined you coming up the stairs as I did the 1000 times before, but I knew it wasn't my imagination, you really were there, I confirmed it that evening when you appeared again and I was even more sure that you acknowledged me, It was all fine till I saw you, I missed you man, I missed you every single day, I wanted to tell you that, but my trembling heart and my shaking legs could never dare, I never knew seeing someone after a long time makes me that jittery and upset, I felt happy ofcourse but more than that the pain was overwhelming, the pain of missing you and being able to tell you, I felt miserable, lost and hopeless, so I escaped the place that day, I left early cried again to my lord I wanted to tell no one but couldn't keep it in heart for too long, I told my friends and like always they did nothing to help me, I guess I'll just have to cry and cry till I feel empty every time.
So I cried I never thought I would cry over missing someone, there was a time when I thought I really did love you but as someone who has known myself for 20ish years, I am sure this isn't love, love doesn't hurt people, I used to feel warmth spreading inside my chest when I see you but I don't know when it changed, now whenever I think of you there's a cold throb in my heart like a small needle is struck in there.
I feel all this because I made up everything in my head and hurt myself, it's just exhausting, I feel tired of feeling hopeless and it's making me feel worse, I always loved myself, my own body, and my entire self but I noticed that I started to sabotage myself for feeling this way, I love myself too much to feel this painful, I know I deserve better, I deserve someone who recognizes me, who acknowledges me, who cares for my actions and reactions, who is absolutely the best, not perfect but good enough just for me.
Until the day you disappeared I wished I could never see you and after you disappeared I felt too many mixed emotions, I felt happy, sad, angry and most of all I felt ignored and abandoned by you, I feel tired of having feelings for you, I want to let go of you and your thoughts, you seemed like my potential boyfriend but not anymore, it's too late, too late to talk to you, to be together with you, it's only time to tell you how I used to like you,
I was soo stupid to let you have soo much control over me, it's not happening anymore, I know I'll be fine, this is just a hard time and this too shall pass, and I am not gonna bend, I'll cry with my lord but will never defy my lord's plan for me and I have known my heart, it's sometimes deceitful but I know I am good, I will not let someone else ride my life, I will be strong for myself, I'll improve myself to the point where the next time, that is unfortunately for you and me if there is a next time, then if I see you I will literally have no bodily reactions and no feelings.
I am writing this to let you know that I am both happy and sad that I met you, I feel sad cause we had no proper start or end and happy cause I met you because of you I know how many feelings I have in my heart, I never knew before that I am capable of feeling these many emotions so I am grateful to you for making me understand myself.
I don't regret having feelings for you, now you're just a part of my past, a sweet one, a never achievable one, I probably love you still and will forever but I know it's not the same love anymore, I want you to be happy confident and content with your life, I know you'll reach great heights in your life and I wanted to thank you for existing, your mere existence made a phase of my life better and happy.
Sometimes I know it was awkward and I want to apologize for making you uncomfortable, I never meant to disturb you, especially your studies, I will never ever be an obstacle for your studies, I know how hard you work for it.
I am deeply saddened and feel extremely remorseful for not daring to tell you all this in person but for real my sweet love, I could never dare disturb you by imposing my feelings on you, these bitter sweet memories are all only mine, they belong to me, I made them up in my head and I'll take them to the grave with me, I really really like you and I am sure that I can never forget you, you're like the song that i thought I would waste my day if i don't hear it atleast once but now it's not even included in my casual playlist, I may have forgotten the lyrics but I will randomly remember the tune and still enjoy the good feelings I had for it, likewise may be I'll forget your handsome face but i 'll not forget how you made me feel, even when i become an old bed ridden women I'll still remember the warm fuzziness in my heart and be strengthened by it, a piece of my heart is permanently bound to you, you'll forever be in my heart as the first person who made me blush just with their presence and the first to make me understand that I have many feelings.
I know this is too long and yeah sometimes I am like that, I can be overwhelming, for me too. I hope you live confidently and happily for a long time, I hope you have a good life.
With love,
Your no one.