Weddings are universally regarded as joyful occasions, but let’s be honest—Indian weddings are less about the holy union of two souls and more about the chaotic congregation of every aunt, uncle, cousin, neighbor, ex-roommate, vegetable vendor, and that one family member who keeps calling themselves a “life coach” but hasn’t had a stable job since 2008. And oh, the drama? It's richer than the butter chicken served at the buffet.'

1. RSVP, or R.I.P.

The first rule of surviving an Indian wedding is understanding that an RSVP is not just a polite way to let the hosts know you’re coming; it’s a binding contract. If you dare not show up after saying you will, Aunt Rekha will bring it up every time there’s a family function until the sun implodes. “Why didn’t you come that day, dear?” she’ll ask, with a smile so sweet it’ll give you diabetes.

2. The ‘Who Are You Wearing?’ Battle

Indian weddings are not just a ceremony but the Met Gala of the subcontinent. The outfits are more glittery than an entire “Dance India Dance” season, and the competition is fierce. Don’t wear red if the bride’s wearing red, don’t wear gold if your self-esteem is fragile, and avoid anything that requires a PhD in saree draping. You might think you look like a Bollywood star, but one misplaced pallu and suddenly you’re just the person who “tried.”

Pro tip: Stick to something comfortable enough to allow you to run away from the “So, when are you getting married?” questions, yet flashy enough to make your ex notice you from across the mandap.

3. The Food Fiasco: A Battle of Wills and Chole Bhature

Every Indian wedding is essentially a culinary marathon where the goal is to eat until your innermost being questions your life choices. There’s always that one table of aunties hogging the gulab jamuns like they’ve never seen sugar before, and you’re left wondering if your thighs can handle one more plate of biryani without ripping your sherwani apart.

But beware—food isn’t just sustenance; it’s weaponized small talk. “Eat a little more, dear,” an uncle will say, shoveling an additional ladle of ghee into your plate. “It’s only your fourth serving.” If you refuse, they’ll make a face like you just insulted their cow, and before you know it, your family WhatsApp group will be buzzing with messages about how you’re on a ‘diet.’

4. The Dance Floor: Where Dignity Comes to Die

At some point, someone will force you onto the dance floor, usually to the beats of “DJ Wale Babu.” Initially, you’ll try to resist, citing everything from back pain to a rare condition called “I-don’t-want-to.” But eventually, the irresistible call of “Ladki Beautiful” will drag you in.

You’ll start slow, maybe a little side shuffle to ease in, but suddenly, the DJ switches to a Punjabi beat and before you know it, you’re doing Bhangra moves you didn’t know existed—some of which should probably be illegal in public spaces. Meanwhile, your cousin who learned hip-hop on YouTube is performing like they’re auditioning for “Step Up: Jalandhar Edition,” making you look like an electrified scarecrow.

5. The “When Will You Marry?” Gauntlet

Nothing in life prepares you for the marathon interrogation about your personal life at every Indian wedding. Aunties will surround you like you’re a contestant on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire,” except the million-dollar question is, “When will you marry?” Followed closely by, “Don’t worry, we know a nice boy/girl for you,” as if they’ve been running a secret matchmaking service on the side.

To deflect, try innovative tactics like pretending to faint, faking an urgent phone call, or developing a sudden interest in the flower arrangements. If all else fails, just loudly declare your love for a Canadian citizen named Pat or Priya and watch as the chaos unfolds.

6. The Great Escape: How to Leave Without Being Noticed

At the end of the day, no one leaves an Indian wedding—they escape. The trick is to blend in with a group of uncles who are headed to the bar. Alternatively, wait until the inevitable power cut that happens during the DJ’s final set and make your move like James Bond in a sherwani. If caught, you can always claim you’re stepping out to get “some fresh air,” because nothing says class like sneaking away from a 700-person event held indoors with 4 industrial air conditioners.

Conclusion: Embrace the Madness

Surviving an Indian wedding is not about avoiding the drama—it’s about embracing it. Dance like no one’s watching (even though everyone is), eat like it’s your last meal (it very well could be), and remember that weddings are family reality shows, but with way more sequins and no chance of winning cash prizes. So wear your brightest lehenga, sharpen your dodging skills, and get ready to laugh, cry, and possibly plot revenge—all in one night.

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