Nothing gets the internet fired up more than people describing the joys of their child-free life. The comment sections are inevitably filled with statements like ‘you’re going to die alone’ and the predictable reply about people with children currently dying in retirement homes completely alone. Of course, we should all be happy that we live in a time where we can choose either, but then again the internet is not really known for nuance and perspective.

I suppose it’s because it’s such a fundamental personal choice driven purely by emotion. It’s a choice that can have a lasting impact on lifestyle, future happiness, the choices you will be able to make or not. There’s something very final about both choices. Beyond a point, there’s no going back on either choice. And regardless of which side of the debate they’re on, people feel the need to justify why their choice is right and the opposite choice is wrong.

The parents show adorable children, share stories about being in the parenting trenches. The other side are gleefully throwing themselves off cliffs and showing the money they’ve saved by not having children. I find it amusing though that both sides think of the other as selfish. I certainly don’t see why not having children is selfish. But are parents selfish? Is it wrong to have children in this world that is apparently going to rot?

I’m a mother. I also see the logic in the childfree arguments. I wouldn’t trade my family for the world but I can’t deny that I see their leisure, their peace and their autonomy. I don’t wonder why people wouldn’t like to disrupt their perfectly relaxed lives. As the only parent in my friends’ group, I see their ability to have long leisurely brunches, to not have to work their vacation around school semesters and to not have to put a young child’s needs before their own. I don’t think anyone comes into parenting expecting it to be easy. But, when the alternative is so much fun, why even consider the hard path?

I’ve been thinking about it and I’d like to offer an analogy by way of explanation. I’d say deciding to have children is a bit like deciding to climb Mt Everest. You have to prepare your body and mind for it. You will need to channel a lot of resources, physical, mental and monetary into it. The actual climb is going to be terribly hard. Halfway through you’re likely to wonder why you’re even doing this. But by then it’s probably too late to go back. You’ve invested too much in this journey to give up. It may not even be an option at this point. So, you push forward, physically and mentally breaking down bit by bit, held together with nothing but determination and resolve that you started this, you chose this, and damn it, you’re going to finish and finish well. At times it will feel like you have nothing more to give. Yet you get up and carry on. Sometimes literal death stares at you in the face, yet you carry on. There is nothing more in your sight other than summit. You have to call upon every physical and mental resource, you learn things about yourself you would never have had you not started this journey. You become acquainted with parts of yourself you didn’t even know existed. Some days you might admire yourself for doing this journey so well, and some days you’re focused on just getting through the day. It tests your endurance and you learn things about yourself, some of which you might have been better off never knowing. Some days you’ll think about your friends back home probably comfortable in their homes and beds and wonder what possessed you to start this journey anyway?

I must point out, that I have never actually climbed, or even ever been in the vicinity of Mt Everest. But as someone who has never and certainly never intends to climb Mt Everest, I wonder why anyone would choose to put themselves through such an ordeal. I’d much rather stay in the comfort of my house and have the luxury of an uber at my doorstep any time I wanted.

The point I’m trying to make is, why does anyone choose anything that’s hard. Why pick medicine over any other discipline? Why become an early riser instead of choosing to rest as much as you want? Why bungee jump or sky dive when you can stay safe on stable ground? Why decide to overcome an addiction when its easier to carry on? Why let a career take us away from home? Why put ourselves out there? Why do any of us pick hard things when there are far more comfortable options available?

I suppose it’s because why anyone picks the hard thing. Somehow, we know that’s the life we’re meant to lead. Anyone who’s ever made the choice to follow a challenging path knows that sometimes not following that instinct feels worse. It feels uncomfortable to not follow the inner voice. We know that’s the right thing for us. And we’re willing to put in the work for it. Some would name this a calling. When we’re called to do something, we do it. And years later when we’ve achieved the summit, we’ll sit and tell stories of the journey we had, how hard it was at times, and how wonderful it feels to have accomplished it and how grateful we are to have answered our calling. And how, at the end, it was all worth it. It could be Everest, or parenting or anything hard we chose in life. There is purpose, achievement and accomplishment in having completed it. Let’s choose our hard and focus on that without feeling the need to stomp on anyone else’s Everest.

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