I can’t love. I don’t even understand love. I’ve never been consumed by love. Have you? What does it feel like? I want to know what it feels like. Actually no, I don’t want to because it will only aggravate me. But why can’t I love like others love? I want to experience what every lover in this universe feels, be it hurt, love, anger, every emotion. I want to be obsessed with my lover. Am I love-less? I’m picking sand apart trying to reason with love. All I want is to come out of this thick ice I'm encased in to finally be able to thaw for warmth and connection. I want to love like a mad woman in love. Is that too much to ask for?

But when I think about all this, I feel like I shouldn’t waste my energy on love, on trying to understand what it means to love. Being in love is a big deal and although a deal I’d risk my life for, I don’t want to learn love. All I do is hurt those around me when I want to love. I never love I just gaslight myself into thinking I’m in love. How ironic when you don’t even know what love is. To me, love is something that leaves you estranged and leave you yearning for it again. It is a vicious cycle. All I’ve done is hurt my past lovers. Now they are all but a half-remembered dream. Why is it so complicated? I want to love like the characters in Wong Kar-wai films. They all portray different meanings of love and how they want to be loved. It’s just beautiful how actors are not actually in love with each other but it’s just the characters that are in love because they were told to be in love. What if the actors don’t love love? What if they come to act in hopes of feeling something they could not experience in real life? What if they want to make their pretend life their real life? It’s not possible but think about it. But that would also mean them having to lose their real personality just for the hopes of experiencing love, even if it’s fake. So they probably wouldn’t do that. But it’s just a ‘not so hypothetical’ question. Because what if the actors who star in the most romantic movies are actually in real-life utterly love-less? How do they feel acting in these movies? Do they hate it or love it enough to want to star only in romantic genres? Now what about the directors who make these films. They happen to know what love is don’t they? Or are they just creating their fantasy world of love, something they want to live in but couldn’t?

I’m ranting too much about love but everyone goes through a lot of introspection about love and it’s complexities. Love can be a complex and multifaceted emotion, often defying easy explanation or understanding. I guess it’s okay to feel unsure or confused about it. Everyone experiences love differently, and it doesn’t always fit neatly into the predefined expectations or narratives. It is a journey of self-discovery, and it’s okay to your time to explore and understand your own feelings about love at your own pace. 

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