“Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.” - Gore Vidal

Or, as you may know, “ Dost fail hota hai toh dukh hota hai, lekin dost first aa jaye toh zyaada dukh hota hai. ” (When a friend fails, I do feel sad, but when he comes first, I feel sadder). We have experienced this, if not academically, in many other ways. We humans naturally compel ourselves with others. This comparison begins right from our early years. In other words, it’s built into us. However, over the years, for most of us, this comparison turns into deep envy, which often leads to inferiority or the creation of a fragile ego. The root cause of this ego, envy, is quite easy to notice.

Passive-aggressiveness

Someone has likely complimented you, but in an offhanded way. For instance, a “friend” of mine once told me, “I love how you just wear anything.”. I didn't know if I should be flattered or not. She did praise me, but in a way that made me uncomfortable. And most of the time, these praises come when you are experiencing extremely positive emotions, causing maximum self-doubt. In my case, I was excited because my friends and I were going out after a long time. Let’s say I was experiencing a high, and then she hit me with that comment, which made me feel very insecure for the rest of the day.

Talk is cheap

They usually do not draw the line between believable lies and outright implausible lies. They go all out when bragging about their achievements, experiences, or abilities to inflate their egos or gain attention or validation from others. The root cause of this, besides envy, is their desire to be important or stay relevant. People exhibiting this trait might frequently make grandiose claims about their accomplishments, possessions, or connections without much substance to back them up. We’ve all had experiences with people like this, so this might be the easiest trait to recognise. A simple example would be people who claim to be strong and influential enough to ruin your life. Spoiler alert: Given the chance, they won’t be able to do it.

Gossipmongers

If people like to gossip all the time about everyone, including their close ones, you’re likely their next target. Besides the fact that their loyalty is constantly wavering, their ego comes into the picture. In social settings, they deftly select tidbits of information designed to enhance their image or tarnish that of their rivals. By passing malicious comments about others, they give the impression that I'm not like others, satisfying their hunger for validation. The fictional character Lucrecia is a perfect example of this. Having achieved academic excellence, she still felt the need to stay relevant and the most important person in her family. So, she resorted to gossip. By backbiting her best friend and exaggerating her misdeeds in front of her father, she wanted to feel superior. Here, the comparison makes her think holier-than-thou.

Manipulativeness

Patterns of manipulation are hard to notice because they are too subtle. Egoistic manipulation is not much different from regular manipulation. The manipulation here takes place to elevate one’s self-image. Egoistic manipulators may use gaslighting techniques to distort the truth and undermine the confidence of their targets. Self-victimization is a clear indication of manipulation, which you should avoid at all costs. They exaggerate their suffering to draw out sympathetic responses from you. This makes you feel obligated to help them or do them favours. Egoistic people also use their charms or charisma to get you hooked. If you think someone is “too good to be true," that’s likely the case. Let’s take the example of Georgia from Ginny and Georgia. Georgia, a single mother, is barely able to make ends meet. That’s when she stumbles upon ‘Gil’. Gil treats Georgia well and gives the impression of being a nice man, but towards the end, it becomes clear that he is abusive. But when you look back, there are many hints about his possessive and abusive nature. He kept reiterating that he was doing a favour to Georgia by still being with her, though she was a single mom. He crosses Georgia's boundaries several times, but Georgia overlooks them all because he also accomplished some "good" things that "made up" for his trash behaviour.

The right thing for the wrong reasons

Most egoistic people are in denial about their ego. They put on a selfless front to hide their narcissism and self-centeredness from both other people and themselves. This is just a show to display their superiority and how they are ‘unlike the others’. For instance, they might donate to a charity not because they care but because of the positive attention they will receive after such an action. Egoistic individuals may engage in acts of kindness or generosity with the ulterior motive of networking or gaining influence. By helping others or offering favours, they seek to build alliances, strengthen connections, or secure future benefits for themselves. Egoistic individuals may do the right thing to avoid negative consequences or to protect their own interests. For instance, an egoistic person would apologise for their wrongdoing not because they genuinely feel sorry but because they want to protect their reputation.

Accepting Defeat

Egoists are often so deluded by the idea of superiority that they challenge people who are better than them. They also do this to protect their reputation after all the big talk they’ve done. They have a hard time acknowledging that there are people better than them, and it’s even worse when the opposite person is less experienced but still better. When it is time for them to prove themselves, they just flip out. They usually fail miserably and are nowhere near what they bragged about being like. When this happens, they eventually lose their minds, go off-topic, and start yapping about irrelevant matters to lessen the humiliation. Then they try to justify the reason for their loss with an innumerable number of excuses. They just can’t accept defeat.

Projection

Egoists often engage in a subconscious defense mechanism known as projection, attributing their faults, shortcomings, or undesirable traits to others. This allows egoists to avoid confronting their own flaws while simultaneously deflecting negative attention away from themselves. In social interactions, egoists may project their own insecurities onto others to maintain their self-image and preserve their ego.

It's likely that while reading this, you relate to some of these factors. Though I have antagonised these characteristics, in the end, we’re all humans and have experienced this. However, there are ways to reduce these envious and egoistic characteristics. It’s already a huge head start if you aren’t in denial. A few ways to get these feelings under control are:

Look behind the curtain

I’d like to explain this with an example. Let’s say you envy the popular girl/boy of your school. Try to get closer to them or try to assess their life, and you’ll find out the cons of holding that position. I am not asking you to consider why you, or your life are better than theirs, nor am I suggesting that you try to find flaws in them. That would be the opposite of what we are trying to achieve. Instead, try to think of the responsibilities and cons that come with the ‘popular’ tag. Like, always having to put on a show and concealing your true self to live up to people’s images of you. You will constantly be the centre of attention and the subject of unfavourable rumours, so you will have to consider the consequences of every statement you make and every action you take. Also, any break in your character will lead to immediate backlash. And you will undoubtedly experience a great deal of mental health problems because of all this pressure and acting.

Mitfreude

You must have heard of schadenfreude, the German word for pleasure experienced from someone else’s pain or loss. While schadenfreude does satisfy you by giving you the illusion of successful revenge, it is just your ego pulling you downward. Instead, try to practice Mitfreude. Mitfreude is the antonym of Schadenfreude, which just means deriving pleasure from someone’s success. Although it is very difficult to cultivate, Mitfreude is what elevates you above the rest. Mitfreude allows you to accept and understand your flaws and provides room for improvement and hard work. In fact, it inspires admiration for and a desire to emulate those who are superior to you.

Gratitude

This exercise can work both ways. You will feel grateful, but you might also feel like a bad person. We are so ingrained in the comparison mechanism that it is almost impossible to break free from it permanently. So, rather than comparing yourself to someone who seems to have more than you, compare yourself to someone whose situation is worse than yours. This activity will not only stimulate gratitude, but also empathy. You can also write down these feelings to see how many things you take for granted.

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