It was an evening, everyone was about to leave the school. We all love our school life. The best part of my school days was that I used to buy 5 rupees of popsicle (ice-cream) near our school, chit-chat with my friends; and reach the bus stand by eating it. I always buy the milk-semiya flavor. I know you all would have guessed me, yes I am a 90’s kid and I am so proud to say it. Because, we know the struggle of getting 10 rupees pocket money from our parents, the bliss of getting wet in the rain, counting the number of school holidays in a month, waiting near the television to hear only the leave news during the rainy days, planning for the Bangalore trip that is never going to happen, playing cricket in the morning, getting new dress for festival, checking flames with our crush name in the last page of the notebook, and packing the bags in the last period before the bell rings. There is no happiness like running out of the school after hearing the last bell. Today the day was good, myself and my friend walking by the road. Suddenly my stomach started to ache, I was about to cry in pain. Anyhow I managed to get home, I have tried many home remedies but nothing worked. The next day was a Saturday, when I woke up, as usual, my sister was watching TV, my parents went to work and my brother went to play cricket. 

My sister and I are all alone at home, and as time passes my stomach pain gets severe. After some time, my clothes got wet with blood. I started to cry when I saw the blood stain on my clothes. My sister noticed it and said that I had attained puberty. She told me not to touch anything and isolated me in a room. She informed my parents and they were on their way. For every girl this is almost like a rebirth, till that day I was a small girl wearing a gown and playing here and there. This is the moment a girl turns into a woman. I was all alone in that room, there was a mirror when I saw my face, I started to blush. They gave me new clothes, new bangles, new jewels and many more. Once all the relatives came, everyone celebrated it. I was wearing a green saree, a handful of bangles, jewels, colorful bindi, and looking gorgeous. At that time I didn't know the hell was inviting me with lots of joy and colors. After two to three days, my relatives left my house by giving a lot of advice and gave me a list of rules that a girl should follow in this society. If we break the rules, then we are not eligible to live in this society. I don't know why they have this many rules, when it comes to girls, the count of rules is an extra plus. When I was a child I had 10 rules but now it is multiples of 10.

From my childhood, I have had a disorder, like I am sensitive and cry over silly things. I will become normal only after 10 minutes, the tears from my eyes will last for more than 8 minutes. Everyone used to give a lot of advice. Even I have thought many times, why can't I control my tears? When I tried to do it, I failed. I am an overthinker, people like me don't need any entertainment if you leave us alone for 15 minutes. We will find a way to fall into depression. In my school days, whenever I got scolded by my teacher, fought with my friends, when I lost my rubber, when I met with a minor accident, when someone wantedly avoided me, when I didn't know the answer to a question, when I forgot to complete my homework, etc.. I started to cry the next moment. My crying count may exceed 7 in a week. For every birthday, my resolution will be to reduce the count of crying. Years passed but I wasn't able to reduce the count. Many people used to say that I am very sensitive. Even if you talk to her she will start to cry. Some people used to tease me and for some people, I would be a gossip topic. I spent all my school days being a coward. When I entered college, I thought it would be fun and enjoyable. 

I have seen in many movies, that there will be a group of friends, they will have fun and chit-chat. But when I entered the college it was upside down. I think in movies, they showed an Arts and Science college, but I joined an Engineering college. OMG!, my college days made me feel like my school days are much better than this. I was staying in the hostel. My college time is 7:30 AM to 3:30 PM. For most of us, 7:30 in the morning comes under midnight. What to do, we wake up at 7:15 AM and rush over to the class. Most of the time, we will be late. We are 11 students from the hostel. The fun about this is we will be late only to one professor’s class (his name is “selva sir”). Whenever we are late, my friends will make me stand in the front and they will stand behind me. My professor will ask “Oh, you are late even today”. I don't know why he is always pointing at me. When I turn around my friends won't be there, I will be the one who is standing near the door and asking permission from the professor and getting all the scolding from him. Once my professor gets tired of scolding he will give permission to go inside the class. Then my friends will join me. 

One day, as usual, we were late to class and got caught by my professor. On that day, My professor got angry and asked for a solid reason with big angry eyes. I don't know what to do and where I used all my storytelling skills. I replied “Sir, we stepped out of the hostel by 7:00 AM. At that time one of my friends forgot her book, so we all waited for her until she came back after getting the book. We can't step out of the hostel by leaving her because we all were best friends sir. If we leave one person, she will feel sad the entire day. It took 15 mins and then we came out by 7:15 AM. We took the plate and were standing in the line to get breakfast. Luckily we got the idly and there is no chutney. We waited for 10 mins. They told us, it may take 10 more minutes. But we can't miss your class sir, so we didn't even have our breakfast today. See our face sir, you can see how hungry we are?, but our hunger for food can wait, our hunger for knowledge can’t wait, sir. So, today we sacrificed our breakfast for you. Our only aim is to get a gold medal in your subject sir”. For my 2-page dialogue his reply was “Idiot, get lost”. 

I was confused about whether he was saying to go inside the class or get out of the class. After the class he asked me to come to his cabin, I thought he would scold me. He called me and said “You are good at telling stories, do one thing, become a writer. I am damn sure you will be a great writer one day”. I started to laugh and said “It won't happen, sir. I am not interested in it. My father will kill me if I choose any other field other than Engineering. Ok, sir bye”. Then I went back to class. One day there was a huge argument between myself and my friend. She was scolding me by sitting on the backbench. It was Selva sir’s class, I started to cry, I wasn't able to stop my tears. He noticed me crying, at one point he shouted my friend’s name and asked her to stop talking. I know he shouted at her only for me. Once the class was over, while leaving he asked me whether I was ok or not. I had a chuckle in my face and shook my head in all directions. He gave me a smile and went to the staff room. 

During the lunch break, I went to the staff room and was waiting near his cabin. I don't know whether he was busy or not, so I was standing in a confused state. He noticed me and asked, “What are you doing here?”. My head was facing down, I didn't want him to see my crying eyes. For 2 to 3 minutes I didn't speak and was facing the ground. He called me inside his cabin and asked me to sit in a chair. He told me to speak up. I said “Sir, I don't know why am I here. I hope you will have a solution to my problem. From my childhood, I used to cry for silly things. Almost for everything, even today you would have noticed in the class. Myself and my friend were in a quarrel, she was shouting at me. But I became emotional and didn't speak a word, and started to cry. I couldn’t stop my tears. Do you know any doctor or some medicine for this sir? He smiled at me and said, “Hey, why do you need a doctor or any medicine?. Do you think this is a serious problem?”. I replied “Yes, sir. My friends told me that it is like a disorder and some told me that I am depressed. They told me that I am a crybaby, I am so childish and I am too weak to cry in front of everyone. 

I have been facing this since my childhood”. He said “Who told you, crying is weakness. They have manipulated you. See here, crying is an emotion, they don't even have the guts to cry in front of others. Ask them, they will cry only when they are alone or in the washroom. Listen to me carefully, when you step out of college, you will face many things. Even in the worst situation try to figure out the positive thing in it. Either you will learn or you will grow. When you understand this, your life will get started. So don't concentrate on negativity, think positive”. It was a great speech, but I didn't understand anything. What I understood is, that I can’t cure this by medicine. Then day by day I became a special student for my professor. He always used to be a pillar for me. He will give a lot of advice, but sadly I won't understand anything. I used to say to him “Sir, I have a small brain. The brain memory is already occupied by the college syllabus and nothing is left out for your advice”. He will chuckle and say “When the situation comes, you will understand”. My life routine was struck in between the cycle test, unit test, model test, and retest. In this test series, God gave me an opportunity to play a T-20 game. 

I have fallen in love with a boy. He is 2 inches taller than me, has black eyes, a fit body, broad shoulders, a cute smile with a dimple, a Rolex watch in his left hand, a formal dress, and a stylish walk. The special thing about it is, it's double-sided (we both were in love). In love, everyone becomes blind, in my case when we meet we forget everything and start to blush by seeing each other. No man can beat him when it comes to caring. He will get juice when I am having my periods (menstural cycle), he will take care of me like a puppy. When I am sad, he will be the first one to wipe out my tears. When I hold his hands, I forget the whole world. One day, I was telling him that I love to visit the beach in the evening time, and on the next outing, we went to the beach. We were sitting on a stone bench, I held his hands tightly and leaned on his shoulders. For 5 minutes, I forgot the whole world, my eyes filled with tears and happiness. I prayed to god that I needed to live my whole life like this. You can take anything from me other than my man. I can face anything, even the worst thing in my life if he is with me. In the cold breeze, the sound of the beach, dark evening, full moon, holding his hands we walked till the end of the beach with endless conversations. I told him I needed to spend my entire life like this with him. He held my cheeks with his two hands and gave me a forehead kiss and said “Sure”. Then he dropped me in the hostel and went to his home. For some days we were in the fantasy of love doing all the couple goals, then we went to our third year. So, they changed our classroom block, because our core is different. So we weren’t able to meet often. He was also busy with his project work. One day I saw him in the canteen with a girl, at that time I didn't disturb him. While leaving the college, I went to him and asked about the girl. He didn't respond to me properly. He said that they were just practicing for the inter-college competition. I didn't take that seriously and left it. Even in my hostel, they were practicing for a play. When they were rehearsing in the evening I used to sit and watch it. Actually, there is one girl who will act and the other girls will dance around her. The concept was women empowerment, and the song selection and choreography were done by my roommate. The music will play behind them; one girl must act and others will dance around her. She should show the story in her acting, what a beautiful concept. On the day of the inter-college competition, everyone was in a hurry-burry. My roommates were very busy packing things and make-up. I was a joker for them, they don't even treat me with self-respect. They asked me to carry their bags to the auditorium. When I went to keep their bag at the backside of the stage. I was shocked, My eyes started to shed tears. In a minute my heart was shattered into pieces. How can god punish me like this? I didn't blink my eyes and shed 100 teardrops in a minute. Please anyone tell me this is a dream. It can't happen, please god don't do this to me. My boyfriend was kissing that girl with whom I saw him on that day. After a few minutes, I got nervous, 

I couldn’t shake my legs. I couldn't able to come out of that shock. He noticed me and straight away he came to me and said “Today I am broking up with you. We are not made for each other. I thought you would be a modern, mature girl but you are a crybaby. You are crying over silly things; you are too weak. I am just done consoling you every time. For us, it won't work further. So, let’s break up. Even now you are crying. You are too emotional, I can’t handle you anymore. Please leave me and I don't care if you portray me as a bad one”. I didn't reply to anything, I don't have the strength. I feel like I have lost everything in my life. What did I do?Is Crying a sin; in my entire life, my tears are the villain for me. I shattered into pieces, and even now my eyes are shedding tears. I couldn’t breathe properly. I slowly tried to walk forward. It was like a dead woman walking without a soul. Yes, I lost everything in my life, no one liked me, always I was the one who was alone; no one liked to talk with me; in this whole world I don't have anyone for myself; I am a zero in my life. 

I agree that I am an imperfect person but I need to know what is the criteria to be a perfect person in this society. At one point I screamed and beat my eyes to stop shedding the tears. After 5 minutes one of my friends came backstage and called someone on the phone. She looked very tense. I was already broken, so I didn't ask her anything. But she voluntarily came and asked, “Have you seen Vinisha”. In her panickness she didn't notice my condition, she said “She was the one who is acting in our play. She is not yet here. Without her, the play would be just like a dance program”. I didn't respond to her anything because I wasn't able to talk. They were announcing the name of their team, so she rushed to the stage. I slowly walked backstage, without consciousness my leg slipped and I fell onto the other side of the stage (the other side of the screen). When I stood up, I was standing on the stage, facing the audience. 

The girls were dancing in the front portion of the stage. One of my friends thought that I was Vinisha, so she held my hands and pushed me to the center of the stage. I got panicked, trying to get out of the stage. But at that time, I remembered my professor's words. If today I went out of this stage, for my entire life I will be a regretting for this moment. I should take this as an opportunity. I know I have no experience in acting but today I am not going to doubt myself. My boyfriend told me that I am a crybaby, and I am weak. Today I will prove to the whole world that I am not weak. Though I was in all their rehearsal, I knew all the movements and the expressions that I wanted to do. Only in the middle of the dance, they notice that the person acting in the middle of them was myself and not Vinisha. But we didn't stop the play, they all were continuing their dance with a smile. 

In the last portion of the song, there will be sad music, and for that, I have to cry harder. My co-dancers were very nervous that I didn't practice for that scene; the audience was also expecting more from me. But in the final music, I just screamed and kneeled down on the stage and cried as much as I could. I started to cry harder, my tears touched the ground. I was acting even when the music stopped. Then I came to consciousness and faced the audience with my sad face, reddish eyes, and cheeks full of tears. Everyone stood up and gave me claps. 

At that moment my tears stopped and my eyes filled with happiness, it looked like happy tears. I remembered my professor's words “When I believe in myself, my life starts. See the positivity, even in the worst moments”. Then my friends helped me to get up. The audience were clapping for me for almost 5 minutes, even after I went out of the stage. Everyone appreciated me for my acting skills. I was so happy when I heard the clappings from the audience side. On that day, we got the award for the title "the best play”. The judge told to me that they were giving the award only for my acting. I was so proud to hold the award in my hands. 

Today, only because of my tears that I got this award because no one will cry without glycerine. From that moment I realized, that my tears are my strength and not my weakness. If society thinks that crying is a weakness, it's their mistake and not mine. Let us break the rule for weakness and let write a new rule book for ourselves. Unless we hurt others, nothing is wrong in this world. Let's stop blaming ourselves and let's tear the fear into pieces. When you start to believe in yourself, the magic will happen for you.

"Crying is not a weakness, it is an Emotion".

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