“All suffering starts from attachment, craving and desires.” - Edgar Allan Poe

You know that feeling, the one where your text doesn't receive a reply for like an hour or maybe the whole day and your mind jumps to a conclusion, overthinking, doubting whether they hate you, purposely avoiding you, or have lost interest and a hundred different scenarios imagined by your mind. Do you feel overwhelmed by the thought of losing someone, being apart from them, or experiencing loneliness? If this resonates with you, you might have an anxious attachment style. Let me guess, in most cases, you are often labelled as clingy, needy, insecure, jealous, desperate, uptight and the list continues. All these labels typically stem from a deep desire for strong emotional intimacy. So, can the need for seeking constant validation and the fear of abandonment gain control over your relationships?

Understanding anxious attachment

Let's begin with understanding the psychology behind anxious attachment style.

Appreciation, Attention, Acknowledgement. These are the 3 A’s, that many people crave. We want to be loved, feel heard and seen, valued and noticed. No one likes being left out or neglected. It is okay when you ask for reassurance, or seek approval from your friends, family, or your partner, unless things start to escalate further, when your emotional needs become too strong. So, what actually causes anxious attachment? According to attachment theory developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby, a child's social interactions are fundamentally shaped by their relationship with their caregivers or parents. The initial social bond that a child forms with their caregivers plays a crucial role in shaping their perception of social interactions. During this formative period, a child’s brain begins to develop an understanding of social dynamics, and their interactions are significantly influenced by the behaviours and responses of their parents. If a child is brought up in a warm and welcoming environment where the caregivers are responsive enough to meet the child's emotional needs, they start to acquire a secure bond. On the contrary, if the parents are insensitive towards their children, they fail to form a secure bond with them. The development of this attachment style is usually associated with inconsistent parenting behaviors. Sometimes the parent addresses their child's emotional needs by providing proper attention and care, while sometimes they fail to do the same. This therefore brings out mixed signals to their child leaving them confused and troubled as to what to expect in the future. The parents are present and then suddenly absent, both physically and emotionally. The lack of inconsistency of emotional responsiveness in a child brings out the attributes of an anxious functioning brain in adulthood.

What does anxious attachment look like in a relationship?

Ultimately, it all boils down to the realm of romantic relationships.

Mostly anxious attached people are drawn to people with an avoidant attachment style, which may seem unreasonable. But the harsh fact is that an anxious individual is wired to expect to be treated poorly by their partner, an avoidant partner who can't fulfill their needs/expectations. So, they become subconsciously attracted to those who are emotionally unavailable. This eventually leads the anxiously attached person to try hard to save the relationship, often begging them to stay. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy; you believe everyone's going to leave you, and your behaviour eventually convinces them to leave you. An anxious partner craves desire and attention, but at the same time pushes their partner away owing to their insecurities. These are the behaviours you exemplify when you are anxiously attached:

1. You can't stop obsessing over your partner, because you have preoccupied yourself with their existence.
2. Expecting constant reassurance (asking questions like, do you like me? Are you mad at me? Do you still love me the way you did in the beginning?)
3. You are not comfortable being alone, you constantly need someone to rely on, to fill the emptiness. You will repeatedly call or text your partner, acting desperate in situations just to be emotionally close to them.
4. You adjust your moods, ideas, and opinions to fit in with his values. This people-pleasing tendency eventually builds up resentment and extreme anger towards your partner or the anger is even directed inwards resulting in self-criticism.
5. This ultimately provokes you to blame your partner during arguments. You might complain or victimize yourself.
6. You have this urge to control his/her actions for you to feel secure enough.
7. You throw temper tantrums when your partner tries to understand you making it difficult for him /her to console you, in the interest of seeking attention by doing the same.

From my own experience

I've gone through every single trigger/emotion I've mentioned up till now and I am aware of how exhausting and vulnerable it can be. ‘I learned I have anxious attachment style when I was dating someone and realized how my heart would stop beating whenever he threatened to leave me’. I ended up being toxic when I didn't receive the love I wanted. Loving him made me lose myself, my identity, my respect, values, and aspirations. I was anxious and he was ambitious. Meaning his primary focus of life became his career, and goals while my focus of life became him. I got tired of chasing only to be left behind and fighting to be loved, I forgot to love. Skipping to the important part, here are the things I learned while being in this relationship as an anxious attached person:

• I couldn't continue to live like this. I had to change. You come into this world as you are but you make yourself who you want to be, like self-manufacturing yourself.
• You running after people makes them run away from you even more. 
• ‘Sometimes you won't let go of the thing that made you sad because it was the only thing which made you happy’.
• I was not really obsessed with this person, what I was obsessed with was the idea of him.
• I need to let go of him to avoid losing me o I don't need to take everything personally.
• Practice self-love, prioritizing myself, and my needs first.
• When I act secure people like me and when I act anxious people are pushed away.

How can you fix your anxious attachment?

When it comes to healing, self-awareness and communication are the key. Now, I know it isn't something you can get over easily overnight. It will certainly take time and deliberate efforts to achieve a secure attachment. To begin with, you need to understand the cause, and the psychology behind the anxious attachment style, after acknowledging this, it's time for acceptance. Acceptance and learning how to express oneself go a long way in improving. There should be a healthy balance between seeking excessive reassurance/validation and adequately asking your partner to get your needs met. Here's how you can improve:

Self-soothing strategy: 

Self-soothing means self-regulating or managing your emotions in response to the situations that trigger you. By practicing self-soothing you not only achieve mental stability but also learn empathy and setting boundaries for yourself. The behaviours (of anxious attachment depictions) listed above were the result of unhealthy self-soothing. Self-soothing the anxious attachment means that you anticipate your responses to the trigger situations beforehand to unfold in a positive direction to acquire healthy understanding in the long run. Basically, you need to recall all the arguments/fights arguments/fights you've had up till now, and understand its causes and impact, like what action triggered you? How did you respond to the trigger? How can you change that reaction with an efficient response? Here’s what I mean in simple terms:

What action triggered you:

1. Not replying when anticipated.
2. Your partner acting cold (even if you are not at fault) .
3. Not complimenting or noticing (e.g. a new dress or a haircut).
4. Making plans without informing/including you.

Your reaction:

1. You bombard them with multiple texts and calls constantly, showing utter impatience.
2. You will ask them questions regarding the reason behind their cold behaviour and not trust them when they try to communicate.
3. You will act upset, doubt yourself, and bawl at them.
4. You feel left out and start an argument, blaming and criticizing them.

After jotting down your actions and reactions, learn how you can respond to these situations differently/HEALTHY SELF-SOOTHING IN ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT:

• Don't always react emotionally, act calmly
• Learn how and when to communicate your needs and expectations without blaming or judging them negatively.

The following are examples of things you can say to your partner instead of blaming or whining to avoid unnecessary arguments:

1. I am upset because of this XYZ reason, it has been bothering me since our fight started.
2. I didn't like it when you said this XYZ about me. I know your intent might be good, but I felt XYZ's emotion.
3. Would you please try to stay in touch more, like call me twice a day or just text me informing me that you are busy? I would really appreciate that.

Focus more on their intentions and not surface verbalization.

Get a life: 

Stop obsessing over your partner, and start to build yourself. Pursue yourself, and become the most healed, happiest, and healthiest version of yourself. Love yourself first before loving someone else. Practice self-care. Don't chase, attract. Maintain relationships apart from your romantic ones, meaning socializing more with different people.

Stop being a victim: 

Here’s a harsh truth, in order for you to become a better version of yourself, you need to stop playing the victim card. The reason you don't stop victimizing yourself is that you are not tired of repeating the same behavior and find comfort in doing so. Acknowledge this fact and start to improve from there. Stop pitying yourself and start to love yourself.

Try Journaling: 

Writing down your feelings helps you to clear your mind and have better perspectives of things.

Therapy: 

Talking to a therapist would help you to tackle your emotions effectively and give you a sense of understanding.

In conclusion, the emotional intensity of an anxious attachment style significantly impacts relationships, often leading to a cycle of insecurity and dependence. Understanding the roots and causes of anxious attachment is crucial for transforming your relationship and personal growth. The process of healing will demand patience and conscious efforts from you. But if you trust yourself enough you will get closer to becoming the best version of yourself.

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