What’s in a Name?

I am Dimpie, Tilottoma Banerjee, which continues to be the name I got from my parents but they call me Dimpie and I… am really scared, scared of what people might think of me, scared of how they might behave with me, Scared of being called a nerd in 2023, scared of being criticized because instead of pouting my lips, clicking pics and posting them on Instagram or threads or whatever new software Zuckerberg throws up… I invest my time journaling because I am SCARED!!!

It’s not like I don’t have any hobbies, I have been practising Bharatanatyam since I started to walk and I just passed 10th so that makes it 13 years now (WOW..duh) but I don’t know why the attention from classical forms of art has absolutely shifted to Hip-Hop now because “people” think it’s “Khoool” and not only this but I also don’t know why some of this “people” even bully me, call me hag and aunty and what not just because I am not a fan of the “Khoool” art forms.

It’s been a while now this way but I think it’s going to be worse! Why? You may ask, well because I am going to a new School to complete my higher secondary and I am already TATTERING MY TEETH because I know that any entity that matches any single trait of mine is DEAD MEAT when it comes to handling “people”.

Day 1

Guess what?

Make a FRIEND!!! shocking right? I know me too! Duh.

No sooner did I enter the class, than I bumped into a boy who was more of a wall! Thanks to my clumsiness with a slight dilution of nervousness which I can’t control(even if I try to),

In a place Where a “sorry” should’ve slipped out of my mouth like a reflex it got replaced, hah

That too with THE F-word (life never gets any better),

My brain… All set in the field to catch the nag on the way but instead, To my surprise, the boy… apologized (so Ma was right, good people do exist). which was valid though because he didn’t even move(like a wall) and I was the one who was left shaken after the impact both physically and mentally! (he smells so good) and when I dared to look up,(he is soo fukin tall)

I was struck with the warmest dimpled and toothy smile I had ever received from someone outside home which was followed by a conversation in which I actually wanted to converse.

He said, “Sorry,(smile) you new here?”

I replied, “Yea, Dimp…Tilottoma…Banerjee, Tilottoma Banerjee, class 11 arts roll no….”,

He interrupted me and said, “Okay Okay! Calm down, tell that to our class teacher”. (clam down D calm down )

“Quite an entry Ms Banerjee(the wise evil grin again…why so good) now tell me what do your friends call you?” he said,

This time, the answer was like my inborn reflex and I spilled it out loud and said,

“I don’t have friends.”

“Ouch!… What’s the point of being 5’10 if beautiful people like you don’t see me as a friend(sighs)”, He said.

(Whoaa Whoaa Whoaa Whoaa Whoaa wait up! A lot to process, did he just Call me beautiful? He wants to be my FRIEND? Maybe because he does not know how “unKhool” I am but still my looks give it away and he seems smart, Handsome too👉👈, and he! wants to be my friend? Like is this happening? No no no no no D breathe….breathe you got this you have to reply, say something don’t just look at him and blush like an idiot)

managed to reply, “What?..huh..already?…really?” in a shaky, stuttery voice. He said, “Definitely…until you don’t want to”, the last words in a comparatively low voice.

I said… kinda shouting in a low voice, “Nooo….no, I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just that I don't know how to make friends, never had any, nobody wanted to be my……friend”, the “friend " in an almost inaudible voice. He said, “Hey! I got you okay! Now then, what do I call you Mam?” “Dimpie”, I said.

“Okay then Dimpie, tell me, do you have any bodyguards?.” he asked.

(only if I knew then why did he)

I said, “No, why?”, wondering from where did this come into the context. Flawlessly he says, “Well then consider having some because your eyes shine like Kohinoor and I might wanna steal them".

Followed by THE BEST smile in the world.

I laughed, smiled, and blushed so hard all at the same time, for the first time in my life I felt so good outside home or maybe he…felt like…home...

After a few laughs he says, “Okay then Ms Banerjee, you might want to keep your bag and come down for the assembly, I am the perfect so I’ll have to move early, See ya in class?” and starts walking away…

was filled with joy and happiness after the chat and that is how I had the courage to call him and say,

“Hey! What is your name?” with a little more effort on the “your.”

He opens his hands showing his palms while shrugging a little, showing off his perfectly v-shaped torso and says, “What’s in a name?”, followed by a wink then his bloody extra sweet smile. which painted the town red where the value of “town” = my face!

Six months later...

It’s been six months of me and my new school and…..somehow my every day my every single day! felt Like sunshine and roses, I was happy rather than scared and I started to hate holidays due to which I could not see him.

Oh did I tell you his name…is Ayesh and he makes me feel good, not only me but he makes everyone feel good, with his silly jokes, light-hearted roasts, cheezy pickup lines, deadly jawli….(Oops), but the fact is that he is happy and he spreads happiness wherever he goes,

He is someone with whom anyone would sell his/her Instagram followers to be friends with. He talks with everyone, younger or older, and treats everyone with the same respect but there are only a few close friends Of his because he says,

“If the definition of friends for you is, prospects to socialize and banter with, then have a lot of ‘em but! If it is, a mutual partnership of efforts and secrets then no, I lack them.”

I may be clumsy, idiotic, old school, “unKhool” and more but I am not fake! Like half the people on Instagram and he knows it that is why we are “friends” as in I am his real “friend” friend which, provides me access to the best conversationalist in the world and his free supportive therapy well not exactly free, he charges “ice cream” Once in a while, hah:)

I just can’t digest the fact that my life is at it’s ultimate peak with the entry of just one! human being that too... a boy! well, maybe a boy…that’s why…duh.

12 months later...

Class 11 final result declaration!

With this came an end to my class 11 and I had scored around the usual 92%

(Special thanks to chemistry!)

But I did not see Ayesh collecting his result, I asked our class teacher and she said that his parents had collected his result early that day which…was weird because his parents never came to PTM’s (parent-teacher meetings)early,

Something was off, I don’t know why but I felt that Ayesh was not fine.

As soon as I reached home, Ma started showering kisses on me and told me to

freshen up and get ready for the biryani party but at that moment nothing was on my mind except Ayesh,

I reached for my phone but Ma snatched it from my hand and said “Eshob khabaar por!” (Eat up first, in Bangla) I didn’t want to argue with her so with the speed of light in water, i.e, 330m/s(metaphorically!),

I freshened up, had lunch, ran for my phone, went to my room, locked the door (wait why did I lock the door🤔…oh space!…right, for space!) and dialed Ayesh, tring..tring….tring..tring…tring..tring…tring “Hello?”

I heard the “Hello” and fired, “Ayesh are you okay? You did not come for the PTM or perhaps you came early but you did not come around the time you usually do and I am pretty tensed up because today was the result declaration and you did not come or maybe you did but not around the time you usually do…”

“Dimpieeee”, he interrupted.

“I am sick of it, I am exhausted, I am tired, I can’t do it anymore” he said sounding

Heavier than ever and surprisingly, sad.

“Ki holo baba? (what happened?, in Bangla), score too bad?” I asked.

“I have an average of 95%, so no IG,” he said.

I said, “Of course, What is it then?”

He started,

“I can’t smile no more, did I ever tell you that I tried suicide in class four because of this depression? Like since childhood, it has always been there with me which I suppressed with the help of my real “friend” friends most of whom were in this year's 12th batch, but now I am Shit scared because they have passed out, it’s not gonna be the same way ever again, they are going to be in college and I don’t want to add on to their burdens and upar see (moreover)we are in 12th now you know what that means right?”

“Boards?” I said.

“Exactly! Now again everybody is gonna be like, boards are here, focus on studies and even the doodh wala is gonna tell me to study hard! Like I was born yesterday, obviously, I’ll study! I don’t wanna end up being like you uncle! (okay this was offensive󰷻),

I will study like I always have but I don’t know why people can’t just let me be!”.

I was patiently listening to him all this time.

what was this? what was he saying, why did he?….sound sad? I never thought that Ayesh of all the people could or would ever be sad, I never thought he felt emotional pain, and I never thought that he…cried.

“This was the time when I needed friends! And thanks to life…I am gonna have no one(chuckles).”

NOW HERE I got seriously pissed!

I started,

“TF? You never thought of me as your friend did you? Crying that your friends are busy or older well then which one am I? Huh? Are you calling me OLD Mister? Because I am certainly never busy for you at least! Instead, I am jealous! because you scored better, again! Stop doing that! I am the depressed victim here not you, so absolutely 10^0 g Sympathy for you hero!”

After all this, I finally took a breath! and heard him laugh, he was laughing, crying or maybe both.

“Now where did you learn to talk like that?” he asked in his cheerful voice. (Thank god!)

“From someone I am absolutely in love with, who does not feel the same but okay

I manage my heart you know”, I said.

He said, “Whoookay now who’s this guy?”