For many years in the past and present, people have been researching on how meaningful goals bring out the best in our lives. Goals that have a sense of purpose are the ones that can definitely change the lives of everyone: literate and the illiterate. These goals can be like: launching a foundation, researching on how to make the world a better place to live in or even teaching kids to read, write and understand. When there is a sense of purpose we develop better physical and mental health. A sense of purpose helps us to survive. Purpose does not arise from special gifts that make you different from others it is just a bond that keeps you connected with each other. And that is why we are called ‘social beings.’ See the people around the world: Perhaps eighty percent has been raised up in poverty, been a victim of domestic violence, running around the streets, bunking classes, having sex with strangers as a means of livelihood and getting hold of every drug that they come across. But is this a way out of poverty? There are other ways too. You should get together with people who have the same issues and talk everything out because even people born in highly privileged homes are a victim of abuses. And pain, be it of yours or others gives you a sense of purpose when you decide to help.

Basically every person is a born writer but the way you put down your thoughts matter. You could get a group of abused kids and make them write down their life experiences, venting out their anger, pain and frustration. This diary of events could be put down in the form of a book which could tell the world that perhaps all of us too have at a certain stage gone through a bad experience. If you ask children around you about their purpose in life: the answer you generally get is that everyone wants to be a screen artist, writer, fashion model or a musician because glamour is always deep rooted in every individual. However, the younger generation feels that the easy way out comes from clubs, parties, hanging around and the like. Later in life suddenly something clicks and their purpose changes to something very different.

Purpose often arises from curiosity about your own life. What obstacles have you encountered? What strengths helped you to overcome them? How did other people help you? How did your strengths help make life better for others? No one can explain our life better than we ourselves. Our day to day experiences give clarity to our own lives. After having lost everything we have loved we often say that a change might come. My sense of purpose has grown a lot with my desire to share this story—and the realization that so many other people have gone through the same journey.

I believe in taking small steps. Change one thing in your life every day, let it be a small thing but be firm on it. Make another change the next month, another one the next year and continue so on. If you commit to small, lasting changes, then you can and will change everything you want — but it doesn’t have to happen all at once, and in fact, it can’t. So be patient: ‘Wait’: The Change Will Come.

When you take responsibility for what is happening in your life, you should also put yourself in a position from which you can achieve your dreams. A bad day, a short-term incident is just something to be discarded and it should be a stepping stone to greater things. Doing this requires a great deal of mental strength, which is easily developed.

The freedom we are enjoying today is something that the past generations have fought for: freedom from slavery, the Independence fights and in some countries the current generation is still fighting for all this and yet some don’t give a damn to all that. Friends, family and romantic relationships enrich our lives and offer social and practical support, but, with our digital lives and social media network getting wider, our relationships are moving further and farther away. We are guiltier than ever of forgetting birthdays, mother’s day and friendship day but nobody has forgotten the Valentine day. We have stopped visiting people for that one-on-one chat and prefer to communicate via text and email. And at the end of the day you don't know what you've got till it's gone. What we take for granted are the things that seem most consistent and reliable in our lives. We assume the ones we love will always be there, and we never expect them to be gone.

Our health will always be there, well because it always has been. Our home and surroundings will always be there because the sun has always shone and the rain has always come, every week and year that we have been alive. Our loved ones and friends will be there because, where else would they be? The very feeling of their presence puts us deep into an illusion that they are permanent. And taking things for granted is always bad because nothing lasts and that is a basic truth. Our relationships, the circumstances and situations we find ourselves in, everything around us - all of it eventually changes and dies down. Most of us know this on an intellectual level, but we tend to fall victim to the deceit of permanence time and time again. For example, taking your spouse for granted makes him/her feel unloved. Taking your health for granted can lead you to take poor care of yourself.

Life is made up of moments. We all have them; those small moments or things that often go unnoticed or unappreciated because we think they’re either insignificant or we take them for granted because we live in a culture and tradition that celebrates big accomplishments. But what if we made it a habit to embrace and celebrate the small things? Real life is happening all around us while we’re waiting for that big thing we hope is going to give us some sort of inner peace, contentment or joy. The truth is that often the things that matter most are the small ones: like a small Hai!, Sorry! and Thank You!.

By becoming more mindful, we can train ourselves to get better at focusing our attention on the things that really matter right here and now. How can we do this? On an intellectual level we all know that nothing lasts forever, but to remind ourselves of this every day will only make us frustrated and sad. Perhaps it is best to choose our moments for this – for example, if a friend experiences the death of a loved one, it is important to inwardly reflect that we could easily lose people too. And aren’t we lucky they are still with us. In order to stop taking life for granted we need to stop being consumed by the past or the future and spend time appreciating the present. However, at the same time it is possible to have goals for our future and take action towards them. If you are healthy, ask what you can do to preserve it and take care of yourself. If you have great friends and family, how can you let them know how much you value them? The truth is, not everything in life is enjoyable only that you should allow yourself to feel and recognize your thoughts for what they are. Often a small meditation session each day can allow you to come to terms with your thoughts and, if negativity creeps in, it will give you the space to decide whether action is needed.

Helping others is a proven way of improving your mental health. Not only are you often coming into contact with many people worse off than yourself – and if ever there is a direct way to feel gratitude it is this – you are also contributing to a better community and this is to everyone’s benefit. During these difficult times this help is even more necessary. You could offer to bring your elderly neighbors shopping, for example, or support small local businesses in your area.

Thinking positive helps bring about stability in life. However, sometimes the trials and problems in life one stops from thinking positively. Often we ask questions like: Why do we suffer? When we do not think evil for others, why do they think evil about us? Questions like this go on and on. Let’s start from the beginning. God created the world and made man and woman. God also created the good and bad angels. Eventually the bad angels fell short of the glory of God and were sent out to trouble the people of the earth. We read of all kinds of evil done by people. Jealousy, killing, seducing, adultery, has always been a part of life from time immemorial. Four thousand years back what was written in many books and spoken by great philosophers is now seen in the present time perhaps in every person’s lives.

Why can’t people think positive?

Today’s pandemic and the present situation as to what is going around the world ought to teach us our role in the society we live in. Never before had we ever considered that our freedom to leave the house and meet up with friends would be taken away from us, but the unthinkable has happened. But perhaps there is a different way to look at the situation. We are now spending more time at home with our family, with fewer outside distractions. This should give us space to reflect on the things that really matter

My brother got his son Peter married off to a highly educated girl Christie, a girl who had all the potential and love for her new home. She planned how to give happiness but just wanted a little love from her new home. What she experienced shocked not only her but also everyone around. Her in- laws and even her so called husband wanted only a maid in the house who would cook, clean and remain subdued and silent at home. She was not allowed to go out and was emotionally tortured and tormented. Her husband went off to his work place outside India after ten days of marriage. All alone the girl suffered without even having anyone to talk to her. She was ordered around and had to do all the work without complaining. All her dreams of keeping her new family happy dashed to the ground. She started getting frustrated and irritated. Her father on hearing the plight of his daughter collapsed and died. A daughter whom he had educated with the hope that she could live a comfortable life landed up in a family who did not value her emotions and sacrifice. The death of her father took the toll in her and she left her new home where she was married to and went back to her maternal home. Then, came a shower of blames and insults. Her husband called her a psychopath and said that she was not fit to be his wife. The girl went into depression. He started sending her obscene pictures of himself with different girls. Cases were filed against her calling her suicidal and immoral. She bore everything silently and that was when she called me. I am stationed out of India and it took a lot many days to pacify her. Now my brother along with his wife has filed a case saying that she is a mentally depressed person and has suicidal tendencies. It is a strange case. The marriage to me sounded like a vacation marriage. Staying ten days with his lawfully wedded wife, later going out of the country and having fun with the girls out and then coming back to stay for some days and going back again for his fun life. This goes on and on in a circle. The lawful wife stays back and works as an unpaid worker. There are many such cases in India. At the end of the day, frustration makes the lady commit suicide because there is no way out. Every woman is not only a daughter or daughter- in -law, she is also an aunt, niece and will eventually be a mother-in-law and also a grandmother.

Why doesn’t a mother-in-law understand that she too has been once a daughter-in-law? This dirty incident took place in my own family, in my brother’s house and so I came to know how people treated their daughter-in-law. Whenever I call the unfortunate girl, she tells me ‘I trusted everyone. I didn’t know that I got married only to be a maid. I can do all the work but a little respect and love from my husband…..’ I really didn’t know what to tell her. Every day the only thing I could say is ‘Be strong, things will sort out.’ At last I knew giving false hopes is not the way of life. I told her finally that she should understand that she was married to a ‘Mamma’s Boy’ and with such kind of men they is no hope.

Such cases are highly prevalent not only in in India but also in other parts of the world. When we see the lives around us we tend to lose hopes in marriage. My niece too is going through this problem of being insulted by her in-laws and at the end of the day, she is sure that she is the only one who is going to lose because society never sides the lady. The boy gets away with all his extra marital relationships and at last the society says that there can be nothing wrong with the man because it is for the woman to adjust. What all should the woman adjust to: domestic violence, torture, insults, bad conduct and pain and the man just laughs at all this without even giving a damn to what the woman feels.

Well I don’t think that this is right. I decided that I would fight for my brother’s daughter –law. Her name should not be tarnished because her in-laws couldn’t get their way through. Since the dowry system is very prevalent in India, accepting dowry with or without the knowledge of the society destroys a marriage. The policy is to finish the life of one girl and move onto the other because the boy is always right.

“You cannot do anything big in life”, the husband shouted.

This was her first marriage after obtaining her engineering degree a talented young woman, with lots of hope and aspiration. Dreams were in the sky, but the reality was bitter about this cruel world. She was nervous after getting married; still, self-confidence was on the fire.

She moved off to her maternal home. Her parents were worried. ‘Why are you here?’ they said. The shock killed the father. The girl was nervous but hope was still alive. Again, with the endless zeal, she applied for the new job. “Ok, we would like to hire you, but the salary will be 30000 rupees per month.” She had no choice but to join.

She started to work there with full of enthusiasm. She worked hard there to grab all the opportunities. Her work was good enough to get a promotion but she could not get the same because of office politics. Then the lookout for a better job and now she is happy with the present status but again she wants to do better and better. That’s how life is, one step forward everyday just to be happy and content.

She was from a modest family. Her mother in her late fifties who had lost her husband recently and a brother with the unfulfilled dreams were her assets. She had a dream to rule the world, a dream to bring the light of health, wealth, and happiness to herself and her maternal home.

One day, her best friend who was often rejected in all interviews was walking on the footpath; “Take these flowers ma’am,” she saw, the little girl was asking her. “Why do you sell these wild jungle flowers here?” She asked the girl.

And then she saw a dream in the eyes of the little girl. “I have to feed my family. Hunger is an enemy for us and to fight with that enemy, I have to sell these flowers here. I go to the forest beyond my house and collect all varieties of flowers because they are so pretty and unavailable in flower shops.” She answered. Her friend couldn’t bear the pain and tears rolled down her eyes to her cheek with sympathy for the little flower girl. She bought a handful of those beautiful wild flowers from that little warrior girl to help her for fighting with the invisible enemy- ‘Hunger.’ Her best friend was seated on her bed with the flowers in hand. Thoughts were continuously flowing into her mind. Suddenly, she caught up with the empowering thoughts. “What can I do to improve the life of unprivileged people?,” She asked herself and she knew the answer. She started to search that little girl, who taught her a lesson of life. She was stood in the slum of the city; and saw that tiny girl, standing before her. “Do you want more of these yellow and white flowers from me, madam?” That beautiful little girl asked her with a smile of hope. “No, but I have something more for you,” she replied. “What is that?” The girl said. “I want to fight with your enemy--Hunger.” She said patiently. She gathered the resources from everywhere, she could possibly do. Then, she started the NGO to feed the hungry and needy people. Her life’s aim and vision was simple: ‘Destroy Hunger.’ Soon, she was the face of the social empowerment of unprivileged people. She fulfilled her purpose of life by helping needy people to demolish the ‘heartless enemy.’ She earned a reputation with immense satisfaction and gratification by doing so. After a few months a ceremony was organized for her for the tremendous work that she had been doing. All her friends were gathered at the ceremony: from streets, footpaths, railway stations and bus stops. The Manager, who had once rejected her calling her incompetent was there to welcome her with a bouquet of flowers. “Do you recognize me?” She asked the manager. “Yes ma’am, all the world today knows you for serving the humanity. You are the real human being” the manager replied. She laughed and said, “You don’t know me at all, but, I know you ‘because you are the one who said that I cannot do anything big in life.’ With that she moved towards the stage with pride and inner satisfaction leaving the manager shocked. Hunger is the worst enemy of life. If you can contribute a small amount of money or time to destroy the hunger, don't hesitate to do so and never tell anyone, ‘You cannot do anything in life’ because everyone has unlimited potential for growth in life. Try to make the difference in the life of people and the world will recognize you as a leader.

Sometimes in life you come across someone unexpected. Here is a story about a very successful CEO, who had lost everything in life but never gave up.

This CEO whom everyone looked upon for all kinds of advice and opinions was sunken in debt and could see no way out. No matter what he did, he lost and a day came when he did not have a home, car and even food to eat. He had to send his family away to a far of relative. Creditors were closing in on him. Suppliers were demanding payment. He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from bankruptcy and insolvency. Suddenly an old woman in tattered clothes appeared before him. "I can see that something is worrying you," he said. After listening to the executive's woes, the old man said: "I believe I can help you." He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying, "Take this money. Meet me here exactly one year from today, when you get successful and you can pay me back this loan at that time." Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come. The business executive saw in his hand a check for $700,000, signed by singer Dionne Warwick, the richest woman and most loved singer in the world. The check-in his hand smiled out at the executive. He sighed with relief thinking of how he could get rid of his money problems and bring his family back home. However, he wondered what the singer was doing here so shabby and lost and he had never personally seen or met her. So instead of cashing the check, the CEO decided to put the uncashed check in his safe. Just knowing it was there gave him the strength to work out a way to save his business and family. With revived hope, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment. He closed several big sales. Within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again. Exactly after one year, the executive returned to the park with the uncashed check of $ 700,000. At the same time, the lady whom he thought to be the famous singer appeared there. Did she look different, a bit older thought the CEO. But just as the he was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old woman. "I'm so glad I caught her," she cried. She is always escaping from the mental rest home and telling people she's Dionne Warwick and sometimes she calls herself Abby Lee or even Praveen Babi and Madhubala. Later she has been saying that she is Jaya Bachan. The astonished executive just stood there, stunned. All year long he'd been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had a check of $700,000 behind him. Suddenly, he realized that it wasn't the money real or imagined, that had returned his life around. It was simply his newfound self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after. The point is that all of us should ‘Believe in Yourself’ because only you can change your life. Boost your self-confidence and see the magic in life.

In her days of depression, I talked to my brother’s daughter–in–law for hours and hours trying to boost up her self-confidence. I tried telling her many and many stories of courage and confidence. Sometimes she used to be fine but at times it used to be very difficult to convince her. I even told her how her friend became successful after so many failures.

‘If Only It Were That Easy,’ she used to say.

When my niece, Christie got engaged, she could not wait to become one big happy family. Her attitude was that, the more the family, the more love there was to share. She came from a wonderful, loving family having a wonderful childhood. Therefore, she was looking forward to having a close relationship with her husband’s family and sharing the love.

But, soon after the marriage, her relationship with her mother-in-law became terrible. Pretty soon, her mother-in-law was doing anything she could to attempt to drive a wedge between her husband and her. Soon after that, her relationship with her mother-in-law went from terrible to absolutely unbearable. Since Peter was working outside the country, a few days after the wedding, he had to leave for work and the mother saw that he left his wife, Christie behind. This broke the straw on the camel’s back.

The unfortunate girl was always armed with a laundry list of complaints about her mother-in-law because she always went through all of her drawers, rooms, and even her wardrobe. Her mother-in-law attempted to constantly verbally plant doubt in Peter’s mind that there could be someone who would be a better wife for him than Christie, and criticized everything that the girl did. But, this was not the reason for Christie to be annoyed. The events that my niece recounted next took me by surprise. She told me that her father-in-law that is my brother said that instead of the son, she could treat him like a husband and could tell him all her fears and feelings.

Now, the unfortunate girl sat down trying to figure out what was going on.

She tried to talk out having a reasonable discussion so that everyone would call a truce and start over. She was hurt and angry but still wanted to negotiate a new relationship with her mother-in-law that was based on love and respect. All sat down together to talk. Her mother-in-law sat silently. Christie was asked to talk about what was bothering her. She talked out everything but if she would have been dealing with a normal mother-in-law, the conversation would have not been difficult and the problems would have got resolved.

But that is not what happened.

The mother-in-law kept on shouting, ‘No… No and No.” She almost lunged across to the girl all the while shouting that she was a whore who deserved to be dead. The shocked girl seemed taken aback when her mother-in-law pushed her up against a wall, telling her over and over again she was going to kill her because she was a whore…” It was too unreal.

But that was not the end of it.

The confused Peter started receiving calls from his father, mother and sister telling him all kinds of stories about how wicked his wife was. He too believed their stories and started blaming his wife, calling her a psychopath with suicidal tendencies. Soon after that, Christie was so unsure of a stable future left for her maternal home.

Peter, who is often termed as ‘Mama’s boy’ was not even afraid, confused, and apprehensive about the future. He just opted for a ‘Divorce. It was clear that he wanted a divorce. He magically turned his mother into a rational person and his wife into an irrational person.

Even though what Christie had gone through was traumatic, she made it clear that she was willing to forgive the mom-in-law and try to find a better way to talk to his mom in the future.

Unfortunately, she soon learned that if someone has a pathological case of narcissistic personality disorder, there is absolutely nothing you can do to reason with him or her. And the most tragic part of being in a family where a narcissist ‘rules all’, is that the narcissist’s behavior poisons the entire family system and most of all, the sacred relationship between two spouses.

The very bottom line that the unfortunate husband needed to understand was that there was nothing he or his wife could do to make his mom a loving person. It was an absolute impossibility because her behavior was wholly her own issue. He should not have allowed himself to be baited by his family members and what they attempted to impose on him. It was his fault and he did nothing to stop this behavior of his mother’s. Furthermore, he needed to understand that his own father was wrong to make unwanted talks to his wife. He had made the choice long ago not to rock the boat so as not to make waves.

I do not believe that these two needed to get a divorce. But, I do believe that if their marriage was to survive, my nephew must undergo foundational changes to his thinking and to his behavior. He had to stop his mother’s behavior and learn what behavior is acceptable only then their marriage would have a chance at surviving. Looking at my nephew’s behavior, I would say that he too was a victim of narcissism because his roots went down to his early childhood attachment with his mother. He brought pieces of his past into the present relationship with his wife.

From the moment he was born, Peter wired himself to form attachments to his primary caregiver which is his mother. These attachments, which are shaped from birth formed patterns that dictate the way he was attached to her throughout his life. And that was the reason he couldn’t break away from his mother but was easier to break away from his wife.

Peter chose to marry Christie because she was the exact opposite of his mother. However she found it difficult to understand why he made a point to marry her and at the same time attempted to have a relationship with his mother. Christie too had a deep attachment for her family: mother, father and brother and this attachment was deep but the attachment that Peter had for his mother was different. He did not have the same feeling for his father and sister. It was as if this attachment he had for his mother was crucial for his survival. Even though Peter was not getting anything positive out of his relationship with his mother, there remained the subconscious longing for a loving bond with his mother. Perhaps, there was a subconscious hope that one day his mother would change because these feelings find their root in the biological drive to securely attach to primary caregivers. But when an individual gets attached like this relationships become very confusing.

Peter, the son of a female narcissist, clearly had a dysfunctional undercurrent in the way that he related himself to his mother. During talks with Peter, it became apparent that his mother forced an emotionally incestuous dynamic upon him. When Peter married Christie, there was a type of symbolic threesome that was established. Now Peter’s mother set up a dynamic where she was Peter’s symbolic wife and Ruth was his symbolic mistress. Though Peter was a part to the whole act, he did not even rebel against his mother but left his wife to be controlled by his mother, left home and went on to have an affair of his own.

The age-old unique problem for decades and decades is the relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law. It has often been the butt of all jokes, with cartoonists always finding enough matter to fill pages depicting their relationship. When a man marries he gets a wife, where as a woman gets a whole family of aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, grandmother, grandfather etc. whose whims and fancies she has to pamper to. It is true as they say that the mother-in-law gets a new daughter and the daughter-in-law, a new mother. But both treat each other with a very different idea in their minds. And because of this there are many cases of bridal deaths and old women dying a lonely death abandoned by their children. The causes of their conflict are many. When a man and a woman marry, they enter their new life together with so many dreams and ideals. When it is a joint family the woman has to adjust not only to her husband but also to her other relatives and mother-in-law who is often depicted as a dragon personified in TV soap serials and novels. The society also plays a role in exaggerating this delicate relationship. So, the bride enters her new life with much apprehension and she sees even an ordinary remark by her mother-in-law in a new dimension. Even hearing her mother-in-law’s slight sound might make her so nervous that she may spill food or break any crockery. This might create a general impression in the mother-in-law’s mind that her daughter-in-law is careless and destructive and this sows the first seed of discontentment between them. Even in this modern day in arranged and even love marriages, prices are fixed for an engineer, doctor, a lawyer and so on. In some countries the husband and wife, both are asked to make equal contributions. In many cases the new bride often is indignant at her father being squeezed by the mother-in-law and may enter her new home with bitterness in her heart. Another reason, which irritates the daughter-in-law, is the possessiveness that the mother-in-law has about her son. Often when the son gets married the mother tends to feel very insecure and fears he might no longer need her. And when the mother-in-law is a widow, a divorcee or an unloved wife, this problem is more intensified. In such cases, the mother, whose whole life had been revolving around her son till his marriage finds that now she is at a loose end. She might start feeling that now her son will no longer need her. When she sees her son calling out to his wife to fulfill his every need, it only raises her hackles up against her young daughter-in-law. The mother-in-law might start feigning headaches and palpitations every time the young couple goes out leaving her alone at home. In such cases the mother starts demanding attention from her son and the wife in turn starts pestering her husband for a separate establishment away from the mother. Apart from the reasons cited above there might also be the case of mothers-in-law hating their daughters-in-law for want of dowry or for no reason at all, even abusing and turning violent on them. In some cases a daughter-in-law might be harassed for her barrenness too. But, sometimes the daughters-in-law are also to be blamed. Often when she has come from a very affluent family she may despise her husband’s middle class family and their frugal habits, thus terrifying her simple mother-in-law. She might not deem them equal to her status and never fail to insult her in public. Then there is the studious daughter-in-law who is so highly educated that she might turn her nose up at her illiterate relations. She might never miss a chance to expound about the high standard of living she is used to in her parents’ house. If she is working and is in a high position she might even want her mother-in-law to dance to her tunes. What is the solution to the age-old mother-in-law daughter-in-law clash? Well, the solution lies within both. The mother-in-law instead of feeling that her daughter-in-law has come to threaten her domain, should accept her as part of the family and take her to be another daughter who has in fact left everything behind to care and love for the man who is the object of her affection too. After a few years when she grows too old to single-handedly manage the house it is going to be her daughter-in-law who is going to look after her and the house. So she should take all pains at training her new bride. A mother always forgives and forgets her daughter’s fault and in the same way there should be no animosity against her son’s bride too. Love begets love and if she shows no jealousy or possessiveness for her son the other woman will gradually learn to love her. As regards demanding dowry it is a crime punishable by the government and moreover no mother would like to sell her son, I am sure! The daughter-in-law on her part should always feel that she has gained a mother by her marriage and as you know a daughter loves her mother at all times, in spite of all her faults. But it is essential that once in a while they agree to disagree for where is the spice in life if they do not express their individual opinions? And just as we feel overjoyed to see the sun after a heavy downpour, agreements and small disagreements will help them to understand each other. Being able to express their feelings and opinions to each other will make all the difference in their relationship, helping to cement it to a long lasting and loving one. After a period of time it might even reach a stage that they get so used to each other that they cannot live without each other. Surprisingly, there are even some homes where the mother-in-law and the daughter –in-law make a loving pair teaming up against the son and chastising him when he is in the wrong, and taking each other’s side when he is angry or irritated at one of them. And the most wonderful fact is that many a time when the daughter-in-law leaves her husband’s home to attend some function in her parents’ home, the mother-in-law starts missing her and pining for her return. But now that is another story all together!

You know that cliché about how marrying someone means marrying their family? When you’re a woman, that cliché is your life. Your in-laws are just as much a part of your marriage as you are – maybe even more so. Women have had to include their in-laws in their marriages for many generations. How has this impacted them? In many ways, of course, keeping up with the in-law’s expectations is a task. Overbearing in-laws can actually destroy a couple’s life and the woman is the worst sufferer.

Moving in with your husband’s parents is a family tradition in many countries especially in India. The four of you are supposed to live happily ever after – together and if your husband has brothers, then the more the merrier. But as family traditions passed on through generations it often started becoming the noose around a woman’s neck.

‘I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse and this is my story,’ Said Nancy during a counseling meeting.

And this is the story of Nancy-------

“Throughout my days at school, college and workplace I have never heard of Narcissistic abuse. It was only after my marriage that I came to understand that it is a form of emotional abuse where manipulative words and mind games are used to control their partner. And the worst thing is that it is very difficult to understand that you are trapped in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser.

I am confidently saying this, because it happened to me.

I was living a life full of dreams and happiness in India and this life took me years to build up. I had a very successful career working in a big company. I truly felt on top of the world. One fine sunny day, my entire life changed. Today I regret the interview I had taken which brought me to a country which I had never visited before and my whole world turned upside down.

At my workplace I was introduced to a guy who did nothing for me because he was not my type. Some days later he was everything to me. I wish I knew more about face reading and if it had been so I would never have got close to this particular guy. He was soft spoken, kind and gentle. His compliments were manipulative and his touch out of the world. He was actually the one who taught me what affection was.

In the early days of our relationship, I felt seen, heard, valued, appreciated and genuinely loved. In fact I couldn’t believe someone was so nice to me and treated me so well. We shared so many same interests. And, of course, he had a troubling childhood sob story – poverty, unhappiness, unpleasantness and insecurity. As if waking up from a dream, one fine day I came to understand that the man I’d fallen in love with had turned into a monster: someone cold, distant and cruel.

He would go missing for days and I knew there was another woman perhaps more deserving of his attention, making me feel utterly worthless in the process.

I suddenly became non-existent.

In the beginning, I stood up for myself but we’d end up fighting. In a few minutes however, he would get me so confused with his conversation that I wouldn’t even remember what the fight was all about. I would find myself apologizing for no fault of mine begging him not to fight with me or leave me alone.

All these unnecessary arguments would sometimes carry on all through the night, not only wearing me down emotionally and physically but also depriving me of sleep. If we weren’t fighting, he would keep me waiting for him all night to achieve the same kind of abuse, knowing I’d be too anxious to go to sleep. Sleep deprivation is highly detrimental to our mental health and, very quickly, I had no strength and self-belief left.

One abusive pattern of his behavior was that he would tell me about things I had allegedly said or done while we were out, telling me in the form of a narrative story. Who was this woman he was talking about? It didn’t sound like me, but he constantly changed the narrative. I didn’t realize that I was being manipulated and he started calling me crazy. Even though there were these danger signs, I did not realize it and finally, my behavior too became very irrational and erratic.

We were about to celebrate twenty-five years of togetherness, challenges and annoying habits. I bought two notebooks — one for me and one for my husband. I told my husband that he should write his complaints about me in his notebook and I would do the same. I also instructed him to write the complaints in detail. Then we would gift the notebooks to each other on our wedding anniversary.

The wedding anniversary day didn’t come to pass because I left my home by then. Today I happened to see the book and was so shocked to see that most of the things I wrote about him was not only true but also annoying. It was a fifty-page notebook and I had written on almost every page. I also found the notebook I had given to him. I flipped across the pages and found that he had written nothing on any page: ‘Yes, he had no complaints about me.’

Being narcissistic in nature I could write a lot about him. But my love, kindness and empathy for him made me so annoyed that I wrote down all the faults in him. His not writing anything in the book showed how complexed his nature was, so secretive, so manupulative and so annoying.

I wondered why I did walk out on him: this narcissistic abuse was breaking me down and the relationship was not normal. But he was very good at being charming whenever there was an outside audience. In the privacy of our home, he was just a wild animal.

We ladies generally never give up and as we have children, it gets difficult to say ‘I am a failure.’ We are just like building blocks of various shapes, sizes and colors. Marriage makes us emotionally, financially, relationally and aspirationally fixed and stuck up to our partner. And I trusted him. I shared with him my hopes, dreams, fears and also my insecurities. It was like I unknowingly gave him the ammunition he needed to destroy me. And he started pulling down one building block after another until the life that I had built up collapsed under my feet.

The fool that I was made me believe that our love was for real. Like the story of a prince and princess, I felt that I had travelled all the way across the seas and found my prince. I thought if I loved him a little more than what I did always would save our marriage. To be frank, the thought of losing him filled me with sheer panic. I also started experiencing physical withdrawal symptoms, started shivering and also experienced difficulty in breathing. I did not know what was wrong with me and felt like an addict.

At last I left him. Like usual, the divorce proceeding were really harrowing. It took a lot of money, patience and even courage. Apart from all the proceedings, recovery from narcissistic abuse was a very lonely endeavor and here I was, going through the darkest times of my life seemingly all on my own. I tried to explain myself, and even went to a therapist for help, but narcissistic abuse wasn’t really a thing at the time, and there was little information available, so no one understood me. Finally, I dropped everything I had built for myself and ran for my life. I knew that my only chance to get out was to move away, delete and block him and anyone connected to him, and make myself disappear.

I spent many years in hiding, barely leaving the house and working hard to rebuild myself. The narcissistic abuse, after all, consisted of calculated manipulation, the tactical erosion of identity and systematic brainwashing, resulting in complex post-traumatic stress disorder. And, since the trauma occurred on such a deep level, the healing needed to happen on a similarly deep level, too.

Even today I haven’t got back on to my feet but I have regained my mental health and I have come to understand who I always meant to be. Today I am in a position to teach women how to deal with a narcissistic abusive marriage. This means that I managed to address the damage caused to myself, remove the emotional triggers and flashbacks that caused anxiety in me which prevented me from leaving the house. I explored every faulty condition and ensured to myself that I will never be abused again. I have decided to dedicate my life to helping other abuse survivors: not just to break free, but recover, too.”

Once upon a time stories, about the narcissistic behavior is very interesting. Sometimes we feel ashamed to say that we are a victim to a narcissist because we feel as a woman we will be treated as a failure. Sometimes even after the divorce, we feel a sense of fear. We women never forget the tenderness wrapping around us and the husband’s lips brushing against our ear. Most love stories begin with a kiss; but a narcissistic man begins his story with a well-constructed mask and premeditated murder. During the first meeting itself the conversation is mostly centered around sex and this language becomes a weapon and a medicine, a healing balm for your wounds and a sick game of bull’s eye on a dart board.

Being a narcissist, to him romance was never romance until became like a drug, a drug which he sniffed daily hoping his drugged kindness will numb the cruelty of the callous words that he used and the cruel actions that he did which removed all the joy of life. I used to be a carefree, lighthearted and loving person but living with this narcissist person made me a different person unlike what I was like. He just wanted to see me defeated: his harsh words started putting me down, his sarcastic jokes were simply attacks and partnership in business became power play. It just didn’t matter how much I fought back, the sadistic smirk on his face was enough to keep me dumb. Every day he picked and prodded at each flaw, insecurity, wound and when there are no more to be found, he created new ones, blaming me for all the problems. One upon the other piled up discrepancies, self-destructive stories were created and lies upon lies accumulated.

In the end I had to close down this fairy tale life. This was a game he would never win. This was a nightmare from which I would awake and say that I am no longer dreaming. And that was a victory for me: Divorce.”

Narcissism is just a diagnosable personality disorder. This behavior of arrogance, and self-importance has its roots in the person’s childhood trauma, abuse and rejection from parents and relatives. In marriage, he just demands excessive admiration because he never got that when he was a child. It was only after his marriage and after the start of a profitable business when the couple has a lot of money that relatives and friends start paying visits and invite them to their homes.

Life with a narcissistic husband is never easy at all and this makes a relationship less satisfying. Narcissism being linked to psychological aggression in relationships reduces relationship satisfaction.

We should understand that a narcissistic partner will never change his behavior without professional help but it will never be easy to convince him because going to counseling means admitting that there is something wrong with him, and this means that he has to accept that he has a negative behavior.

At the end of the day one has ultimately to come to understand that one cannot continue to live an abusive life with a narcissistic. It takes up all the toll on one’s physical and mental health. Not only this his violent behaviors threatens the safety of the person he lives with. So an exit plan and walking away from such a relationship is the best decision.

Narcissism is found in every human being. It is not just ‘You’ and ‘Me.’ Several months back I was watching the TV about Indians celebrating seventy six years of Independence. Going through the Pre and Post Independence stories, I came to understand that the narcissist qualities were found not only in husbands and mother-in-laws, but also it was religiously bound. Stories of mass killings, rapes and destruction come from a pervert mind which is a destructive syndrome. People hardly think of what they are doing. Unless you have the narcissistic syndrome, you would not think of doing anything bad or evil.

Men's efforts to force women to engage in unwanted sexual activity can be explained as narcissism. Mass murders and serial killings are also put under narcissistic syndrome. This tendency is found in certain percentage in every person. They use this syndrome under the pretext of religion and rituals.

Sometimes you feel so dejected in life that you start sharing your feelings and problems in articles and you feel like hugging everyone who has left a comment for you. You feel like doing this because there is no one who disagrees with you. And the comments are not very important it is that your story has got a platform where you can pour out your heart. And creating a space for your pain means you have ‘done it.’

Many a times there are red flags in our relationship but we tend to overlook it and we get confused because the person you are with is a pure evil to you but an angel to the rest of the world.

The global divorce rate has increased drastically. Marriage and divorce statistics are dramatically changing due to: Incompatibility, Infidelity, Drug/alcohol addiction and Physical/mental abuse.

I happened to look for a help online so that I could forward it to all those unhappy divorced women, and found an international support group on Facebook called Worthy Women & Divorce — a safe space for divorced women, who want to discuss the legal status of their separation or seeking comfort. Later I found a support group called I am Happily Divorced for those looking for help. Walking up and down the court, women see dismal faces around them during court proceedings. The support group helps women through this traumatic process, facilitates legal counsel, accompanies them to court, talks to them, or just acknowledges their silence, and this gives them moral support to stand up to the annoying court proceedings. If the group can help someone get through this, maybe the traumatized women will help someone else.

That’s not all. Over 110,000 Facebook users openly state their relationship status as “divorced”. Though women comprise only a fifth of this figure, they surpass men by a considerable margin while expressing interest in the concept of a “divorce party” or liking pages around the “happily divorced” theme. If you are hurt being divorced, don’t be, there is a whole lot of happy divorcees around. 

.    .    .