As I turned 25, I sat and charted my emotional growth over the course of the last few years. One interesting element that popped out was my relationship with God. And how this relationship correlates to my ever-changing relationship with all the elements that make up my life. I must disclaim that my religion had very little to do with God, so we will keep that element out of this introspection. And this is purely my experience with God, not intending to make any generalized statements.

My earliest memory of God is when my parents told my brother and me that there was an all-knowing power that existed and protected us. That this all-knowing entity blessed us if we did good and punished us if we did bad. That all-power took the shape of Lord Ganesh in my house, and he was the one I prayed to for everything. I had very simple requests at the time – asking for the power to come back on so I could watch Tv while my parents were out and things of that sort. I didn’t understand God, but I sure struck a lot of innocent deals with him. I studied in a Christian school for most of my school life. While that did not influence my thoughts in any way, I did imbibe certain principles of prayer.

I grew up and hit the uncomfortable age of a teenager, more importantly ages 16 to 19. Believing in God was just uncool at the time. Coolness has been a factor that has somehow always been free of any religious/spiritual sentiment. At that age, we think we know it all and that free-thinkers, rebels, rule-breakers, and revolutionaries don’t believe in God, sheesh. They believe in their spirit and a sheer sense of bravery – this was my understanding and rationalization. In retrospect, that was fair, all things considered. I changed myself to fit in with people and became a version who I now, as a 25 yo, run away from. This was also when my relationship with my parents began to strain. No wonder teenagers begin to ‘hate’ their parents at this age.

I grew up, went to college. College was a diverse space in terms of people and their upbringing, cultures, education etc. I found like-minded people, people who were grounded in their sense of belonging and ideals. I attribute a lot of my growth to my college life because this is where I became neutral towards God. I was beginning to start from a blank page, to understand God as an individual with some sense of rationale and self. I was away from home, so it was natural to miss my family. God made an entry when I’d pray to him, asking him to keep them safe and healthy. I reconnected with my old habits of thinking of God first thing I woke up, a habit my mother inculcated in us as children. She said that it gave her a sense of peace and comfort, I never understood her until this time. Saying a quick prayer in the morning gave me some sense of relief. But mind you, I still did this in haste and in private. College was where I fell in love and so I started seeing God in love - love that filled up my day-to-day life, blessings that had materialized out of thin air. I thanked God for bringing this into my life and so God’s position in my life became stronger. When we start thanking someone for blessings we can’t explain, we also begin demanding answers from them in cases of adversities we can’t explain. I started to ask God why things were going wrong, not understanding then that somethings were just meant to be lessons and not scars. We relate good and bad situations with good and bad actions. Karma. And while this holds true in the bigger scheme of things, it does not stand true for moments of sheer bad timing, luck or just a series of misfortunate events. But I was not mature enough to rationalize this as a 20-22 yo. COVID hit and this period was a blur – our lives, as a society, were in a constant state of upheaval and uncertainty. It was functioning purely on survival mode and being awfully grateful for little joys.

I grew up, started my professional life. Moved to a different city, moved back home again. And this is when my next phase of change occurred. Moving back home as a young adult, I demanded my sense of freedom, autonomy, and acknowledgement. This was bound to create some friction with my parents, especially since both parties were strong headed. I started asking God why he was doing this to me, why he wasn’t letting me find my grounding and my position as an adult in the family as opposed to a child. I was frustrated with God for not giving me answers. I was frustrated with my parents for not giving me credit. I was frustrated. I lost some sense of direction for a while in the middle there. I would just work all day and avoid being in touch with anything emotional. My relationships took a toll, and I had a dip in my emotional well-being. I bounced back with the help I had but I continued to be frustrated, continued to feel stuck.

Time passed. Misfortune hit my family and shook the very core of our existence. It is true when they say that adversity shapes the human spirit. For the first time ever my mother’s belief system had cracks. That was new for me. She was just upset and distressed, confused about why we were going through such a hard time, wondering what warranted it. Yet she persevered. My father stood tall and brave, as our pillar of support through it all. We started being kinder to each other. We began to see each other as individuals with bucket loads of history and unseen scars. I began to see God again. I began to express gratitude for small wins and moments of happiness. When I saw my family smiling through the pain, I saw God. When I heard kind words of support from close friends, I felt God. When I hugged a loved one, I felt God. God had now become a sense of strength, derived from small gestures and fleeting moments. However, I still looked to God when things went downhill. And that seemed to be happening more often.

Months passed, we settled into our misfortune and learned how to move on with it. Once I released that the darkness was starting to pull me in again, I sought help. I rationalized and found ways to pull myself out of it. I forced myself to develop a habit of expressing gratitude, even for the little things. I looked for a source of strength and found it in the perseverance and faith my parents had. I was grateful. I was grateful for having love in my life, the kind that is unwavering and relentless. I was grateful for opportunities and travels. It was then that I realized; God is gratitude. God is love. God is strength. God is more than performing rituals and expecting good results. A dear friend told me that misfortune is illogical. It strikes randomly. That it does not reflect our Karma in any way. What does alter our Karma is how we navigate through those misfortunes; is it with kindness and gratitude or with hatred and anger? God exists in accepting our fate and facing it with kindness. We are exactly where we need to be and are merely a speck in this river of time. What matter is how we utilize our limited time here, how we find love and strength to travel through together and how we make our small world a better place, even if it is just for ourselves and our loved ones.

My outlook on life changed substantially when I learnt that God cannot alter the paths we are on, if that were possible then our world would be a different place. If that were possible then our Epics would not have main characters, most righteous humans undergo absolute tragedy. Reading the Mahabharata as an adult with a higher degree of mental development opened up a lot of thought processes for me. I found some solace in knowing that god-like beings too underwent tragedy. And that at the end of it, violence, hatred, jealousy, and scheming led to misery for all. What prevailed was love, patience, empathy, and gratitude. I now find God in being at peace, especially with inexplicable events. I find peace in gratitude, in counting my blessings. I find peace in protecting my loved ones, those who inspire me and push me to be a better person every day. Yes, there are days I crash and burn, I am human after all. But simply knowing that I have what it takes to make it through, that’s where I really found God.

It was important to shift my mindset from remembering God only during the bad times. I now make it a point to remember God during the good times too - every day and for no reason. Because that is how we are supposed to live this life, with kindness and compassion, every day and for no reason.

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