Should there be a question mark to this title or rather an exclamatory mark? It is a universal truth that need not be taken with a surprise. The question mark stands here to probe the thought process behind it for those who stand in the marriage market! Most of them are trying to sell themselves and the ones who feel they can be the buyers try to buy. These words seem to be rude but the very fact that many marriages are breaking in society speaks for themselves where they have been baseless or the purpose has not been identified. And please stop! I am not going to buy the statements that; theirs is a love marriage and they are made for each other etc. Any relationship when it is molded in a particular societal norm stands for the same trials of marriage (in this context) irrespective of love or arranged type. It can truly only survive, thrive, or sustain when there is a complete acceptance with a common purpose between the two individuals first and then the expanded circle of family and friends.
We are slowly moving into the phase where the dynamics of marriage (where people are either having multiple marriages or not being ready for marriage at all) are becoming complex unnecessarily. And why does this need attention? The answer is when it comes to healing the traumas coming through it, it is very difficult to strip the multiple layers of entanglements that have been created in this entire course and to re-create an optimal ground for a fresh start. (This does not mean that one should get into a pessimistic mode and just keep struggling.) The intention behind this write-up is to make one identify the reason for their need for a true partnership in life so that they do not fight the wrong battles in future life. Believe me! “This reason” is always a customized one and should be identified and accepted in the beginning. The reason can be as simple and basic as; needing a provider to bring food on the table or giving the conjugal pleasures and stretching to the other end of the spectrum where they are striving hard to serve each other’s individual and common purposes in life in their own spaces.
Conventionally, we try to fit everything in one box (of marriage) without understanding the capacities of the individuals, confining them into the family needs/trends and spoiling the whole thing giving rise to broken individuals. Unfortunately, very few of them get an opportunity to rise above this scatteredness to support themselves and also others if they are lucky enough! Hence the best way to take this forward is to orient them in the beginning itself to facilitate well-informed/guided decisions. This may at least ensure less trauma making it easy to bounce back (if they need to).. as if jumping on a trampoline!
The evaluation actually should start from the very root thought; is there a need to marry; at that particular moment? Because many times these decisions are taken impulsively with a false sense of urgency. But let us keep that discussion reserved for another day. I came across these words somewhere on social media recently; people undergo two marriages, one marriage between the bodies (done for the sake of family and social pressure), and the marriage of souls where people have that true emotional connection. However poetic this may sound, this a very difficult process for people to undergo, especially if children are also there in the scenario. Then this becomes a war between bodies, souls, and minds (children are the minds in marriages) leading to a magnitude of disharmony and family trauma difficult to heal in a single lifetime possibly.
Any relationship develops gradually in different stages and we have to accept that the energies are going to be changing as the individuals are also evolving in their ways. What you see yourself now in a relationship is not going to be the same even one year down the line (or even at the next moment!). The most challenging aspect is to remain in the given framework and undergo these changes (without moving an inch). The best example to quote is of the Sun, Earth, and Moon in their orbits and the orbits around each other. Whatever happens is within this system. As humans, we often try to deny systems as we feel that we can create and destroy them too. But systems are energies and energy
cannot be destroyed, it can be transformed in different forms though and that is the best thing to do.
Anyone who accepts the systems, makes changes in them and is ready to get finely tuned with its frequency to give their best creates a possibility of accommodation in it for the greater good. Fragmentation is not a welcoming change but integration is!
The definition of a soulmate is different for each individual because they have their imaginations and expectations from the perspectives of their own lives and that’s fine. But then this understanding has to be absorbed in the relationship first, to take the “right decision” and not keep making the decisions right. Also, there are going to be many other ingredients in the recipe of marriage to deal with separately. Food for thought!