I have always been too much of a control freak, trying to make sense of every passing second of my life. To hold on too closely to everything that belongs to me, only to be too trapped in the confounding conundrums of uncertainty and loathing into self-criticism when things do not go my way. The freakiness of not knowing and the amount of anxiety I would encompass was paramount. I suppose it had a lot to do with being the eldest daughter and the overachieving, burnt-out archetype who needed a backup for all her backups. 

That's when I came across a Pinterest post that read, “ The ones who are obsessed with psychology and astrology as adults were children who were misunderstood and unheard as children.” This post hit me hard, like an ephiphany that strikes in the stillness of breakdown, leading to a breakthrough. The dawn of healing that my inner child needed so desperately hit me as I read this, soothing my scars like a balm. I reflected on the entirety of it, of how obsessed I am with astrology and psychology, to understand myself in every nuance possible.

How diving deeper into the nuances of every person’s personality type, astrology chart, and underlying psychological traits is a love language I possess, I wish someone would do the same for me.

Astrology as A Coping Companion - A Personal Reflection

Astrology is the pseudo-scientific study of how the positional stance of planets and stars can energetically affect human lives. People as assigned specific signs in the astrological belt, which are called the zodiac signs, essentially a belt in the sky in which the sun, moon, planets and stars move in particular paths and directions. Divided into 12 constellations (zodiac signs), each reflecting a month that spans over the entire year. 

My belief in astrology essentially peaked during my college years, when things were pretty rough in my life. From friendship breakups, to relationship crises, work problems and personal issues, the reference and inclination towards astrology transmuted into a coping mechanism that enveloped the traces of my uncertain mind, with a sense of relief. Sometimes when life doesn't make sense, and the bounds of logic lose their compass, the yearning for a sense of comfort can be found in the welcoming embrace of astrology, a belief that fosters a sense of belief in something beyond the mortal realm.

As someone who believes in herself and the power to be the captain of the ship of my life’s stride, it may sound contradictory to talk about my belief in astrology. But the truth of the matter lies that I can still have the faith and confidence in my abilities to handle a particular situation and still believe in the beauty of fortune, of knowing that there is divinity that belies to be a binding force, one that holds us together like a glue. The idea of having a little good luck destined for me on a bad day bolstered as inner reinforcement to save me from the animosity of a normal, mundane day.

Healing Through Understanding Control Complex

In a similar fashion, many individuals find solace as they read their astrological charts and seek validation for their identity. As humans, we are more likely to remember positive feedback than negative feedback, as it validates our perception, which makes it easier to embrace the holistic aspects of astrology. I wrote an article on astrology and its feminist roots sometime back, and one of my close friends messaged me saying this piece just gives a window into your soul, of how incessantly you look out for personality signs and similarities in astrological signs.

 I smiled, as I knew how many times I had retaken the Myers-Briggs personality tests and how much of an exception I feel sometimes to my zodiac sign. I dived into my need to understand and validate my sense of being by doing these tests, as some part of me healed in simply knowing why I am the way I am. I am intense, insanely passionate and sometimes too complex to fathom, and after conducting the tests, the resonance of my identity and who I was made sense to me, like it unveiled the shadows of me I was too scared to face.

Another reason I fostered a sense of fondness for astrology was the fear of ambiguity, of not knowing what is to come. Often, the times of hardship and the periods of constant sadness and traumatic embellishments bring about a sense of survival, and during these times, astrology became my beacon of hope. It was a need to survive in the harshness of externality that pushed me to know, to reckon the unfathomable, to go beyond my circumspect and dive into the periphery of the unknown. Oftentimes, when we get too intellectually stimulated, the simple belief of knowing the answers through the lens of astrology can give us a sense of calm and relief.

As I embraced astrology, I felt a sense of tranquillity in being protected by divinity, and living in the present moment became easier. There are and will be moments when I feel out of balance, when life spirals out of control. Where I dread the very existence of my being, of why I made certain choices, why things and circumstances pan out to be the way they are. In those moments, I look up into the sky, leaning on my astrological tools to foretell what is about to come. Maybe I look up into the starry night, trying to make sense of what my moon is doing and how the stars are placed in my destined path, perhaps I am experiencing an astrological shift, or planets are retrograding.

I seldom pull out a tarot reading or my horoscope to make remote sense of what life might throw at me, and very rarely does it turn out in the same expected outcome. Astrology might not take centre stage in my life, but at least now I am at peace with my constant urge to know everything and predict outcomes. 

I no longer need to explain to others my obsession with psychology and astrology, as I am trying to understand the deepest ends of myself; nobody tried to understand when I was a child. What time holds we never know, but on the sunny side, I definitely know why I dislike small talk and like to hold deeper conversations that stare into the souls of people I meet and will continue to do so...

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