I messed up. 

In complete honesty, 2025 has been a whirlwind of difficulties and lessons that have humbled me in its entirety. Though lasting only two months in its stretch, I have danced through the storms that have wearied the brevity of my soul. Some days were radiating with a sense of hope and oozing peace that displayed the possibility of a bright future, while others had a sense of doom, the kind of despair that doesn't go away with a full night's sleep, or ice cream or a warm bubble bath. It is the kind of tiredness that lingers onto your soul in its deepest trench, leaving no room for any light to enter. 

I usually talk about light and hope, the warmth of keeping the flame of life alive as we walk through the strides of life, but today as of this moment I want to be honest about how I feel and not sugarcoat my adversities or present it in any glorified guise. I yearn to be seen in the truest sense of my being, as someone capable and accomplished, yet falters time and again. 

The last two months of this year have unfolded in a fashion a lot different than I thought they would leaving no room for any possibility of a pre-envisioned outcome. As the year began in its quest, I was filled with zeal to turn up my zeal and leave no room for rest. But as the days churned their being, with the truest mirth came the melancholy that embedded a home with me with a depth unseen.

Trying my best to keep up with the high expectations that I put on myself, I left feeling burned out and dissatisfied with what I had. This is not to say that I don't feel gratitude or love for what I am bestowed with, but I cannot present myself as a person who has her life together and is contented with her current stance, because the truth is my sense of joy and peace lie strayed far away from it. 

In the first two months of this year, I have worked as a content writer with a renowned magazine, have written pieces I am extremely proud of, have published works with amazing organizations, won national and international competitions and case studies, was appreciated as a mentor and met an amazing community of writers. Although I have felt immense pride in my abilities, there is a sense of discontentment and disdain as I wanted my life to pan out differently. I messed up on an opportunity that was very important for me and that I wanted to seize, but missed it due to health concerns. 

While I know life always happens for you and everything always works out in your favour, I still feel the pain of letting go of something because of unforeseen circumstances and mistakes that I wish I could take back. When I graduated a while ago, I envisioned having my act together and walking the conventional path of benchmarked societal goals that determine how successful a person is. But as I lived through those years, that vision seemed like a distant dream fleeting away in its silent footsteps. 

I went through the truths of life, of loving and unloving, of gaining new experiences and losing the ones you once thought would live in your life forever, of being proud of myself and also calling myself out when I did something wrong, of hoping and of finally letting go. I am uncertain as to what the course of my life would be, and maybe that is what life is about. Of erring and learning from your stumbles as you walk through this odyssey. 

If you ask me how I truly feel, I would say I do not know. Because I feel proud of how far I have come and the journey of self-belief that I beheld, but I also feel I need to learn and level up on my way and at the same time I feel dejected and sad for not acting in time which led to missing important opportunities. Maybe I could describe myself as a paradox, a being of contrasting qualities, that is happy, healing and hurting at the same time. 

I guess maybe all of us are paradoxical creatures who want to find joy in every breath,

Yet shed tears of angst and anticipation as our head hits the bed.

If you are reading this and questioning your existence,

I hope you know we are in this together,

Though stumbling on words, yet trying to be the light in our endeavours.

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