Whether I sink or swim in the dance of life is a matter of chance!

​We all have had moments in life where we hit rock bottom, where life becomes a series of mishaps, inconveniences, disappointments, delays and rejections. I cannot romanticise life anymore when I say oh I am at the point where I will be at the breakthrough because right now I am having a breakdown. I think I am past the point where I can use the visions of what could be to erase the pain of what currently is.

On survival when nothing feels okay

When you get to a boiling point in your life where everything seems to work against your wishes, where no matter what you do, you cannot seem to find any situation or event going in your favour, you eventually get tired of all of the undying sense of being optimistic. The truth is, sometimes life kicks you so hard that you have no option but to sit with your pain and permit yourself to just survive. I was the believer in holding it all together and pretending like everything is fine for the longest time, but trust me, it is exhausting.

The act of having your life be perfectly lit up is so tiring that you sometimes forget why you started to stride on the path you have in the first place. I can testify to the fact that every person on this earth has gone through phases where life has felt stagnant, where everything seems to be falling apart, and we have all looked at ourselves in the mirror with eyes full of regret and a heart filled with sadness. I know I have, I have cried myself to sleep more times than one can imagine, when my world ended in the night, and I woke up as if nothing had happened, and continued with my day.

We often find ourselves questioning our own feelings when we see feeds of perfectly curated and pretty people, or when we have seen our friends having their lives held all together. But the truth is, you do not know how many times they have failed, or the number of times they have felt like a failure or how many times they had to try, fall, get back up, wipe their own tears, fight battles in silence and continue to be where they are. And the truth lies here, they don't owe you that truth; they do not owe you their most vulnerable moments. It is a choice as to whether someone shares their struggles on social media or not, as for me, I cannot pretend that my life is perfect if it actually is not.

On pain, pressure, and persistence

​As someone who is going through a hard time and has been through her share of darkness, I know what it feels like to have your life falling apart in front of you and no one caring as to what you have been through, no matter how hard you try. I know the sinking feeling in your chest when you don't achieve your goals, aren't chosen, or don't have a sense of belonging.

For the longest time, I was told to remember all the things I should be grateful for, and that does work, but not before letting myself feel my pain and validating it for myself. I am done letting people decide for me as to what I should feel, how I should behave and what I should do. I am not letting anyone tell me how easy I have it already, or that it is not that serious; if it hurts me, it hurts me. If I choose to live my life a certain way, I made certain choices I did due to the best of my knowledge and power; I stand by them. I am done giving other people the access or the power to tell me whether I am enough or not, or whether I am worthy.

​I was so consumed by what would happen in the future that I forgot my life was slipping by me currently. Sometimes you just need to stop letting people or what could happen in the future dictate how you should live your today. There is no right or wrong answer to life, no timeline you need to strive on, no guidebook or standard you need to maintain to experience the beauty of existence. 

I choose to believe in the beauty of tomorrow, yet allow myself the liberty to feel the dread of today. There is no shame in accepting that I am having a hard time, and I am trying my best to keep myself afloat in the waters of the uncertain sea of life. I embrace the humanity that goes through the cycles of darkness to finally find my light, my redemption, the key that sets me free.

​Until then, I will keep on trying, I will keep on doing everything that is in my power and embrace the things that bring me joy. My act of survival is one that I am proud of, as it is my story to live, my yarn of glory to embellish in and my days of sadness to go through to finally find a moment of joy worth holding onto.

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