A Neurodivergent’s Life

People assume living with mental illness is just hard and can be resolved; no dear, it isn’t just hard, it’s like a parasite killing you from within but you have to keep fighting to stay alive. My senses feel overloaded and overwhelmed on some days and I cannot even listen to music or watch something online; concentrating on reading is another story altogether. Sometimes my creativity is top notch and sometimes I am just like a blank page, staring endlessly into a never ending abyss.

I have panic attacks, phases of high anxiety and hyperactivity because of my ADHD and extreme low depressive phases when even doing basic things like brushing my teeth and making coffee seems hard. But I carry on. Sometimes my BPD strikes me out of the blues with mood swings and disruptive urges. I have learned to address those urges and not succumb to them because I have to live; not for someone else, but for me.

Ignorant people say “it’s all in your head”, well, of course it is. The key brain chemicals like serotonin and dopamine are not developing properly and the amygdala along with the entire brain nervous system is malfunctioning. Of course it’s in my head. Just like the computer, the brain is the motherboard of our body. It controls everything by sending proper signals and if it doesn’t work properly, both mental and physical health is in shambles.

My purpose is to spread awareness and help empathy and healing grow; but if ignorance is a bliss for some, I’ll let them live with it because my peace matters. Being neurodivergent for me means being Wonder Woman one day and then a sloth the other days. The phases can be of one day, one week, or even one month, depending on the trigger and my capacity to deal with it and heal. But the space and environment around me sometimes suffocates so much that healing just doesn’t seem to happen.

People get scared of me when I tell them honestly everything about me and abandon me. I have become so used to abandonment now that I value my loneliness now. Sometimes it’s solitude and sometimes it isn’t but I have learned to live with it. What other option do I have? I cannot expect everything to be an empath like me.

Being neurodivergent also means that I am emotional and empathetic towards other people’s feelings and situations and that gives thek the idea that if I am helping them or listening to them, they can trauma dump me and dump me when I am in need. I am carrying the burden of so many traumas right now that my shoulders feel too heavy to even function and my brain is fogged.

I am drifting away on a black cloud because it has rain in it and I feel like dropping away in some place foreign with the rain where I won’t be judged for being myself. I have forgotten the feeling of having real friends as the ones I have had, are selective and opportunists in nature. I have learned to let go of anything toxic that impacts me, even if it means losing some relationships or people. I am used to the idea of loss now.

I believe if you cannot touch my thorns, don’t even come to me when my rose blooms.

The Universe

Trusting the universe’s process can be the most painful task at times. You end up scared, confused, restless, anxious, depressed, and with trust issues; sometimes on humans and sometimes on the universe itself. I asked for love and care, got confused and had a concussion (not literally).

As I had mentioned earlier, I dread weekends now even though weekdays exhaust me. It’s better to be exhausted than depressed, anxious, and wanting to kill yourself every moment. Living with mental illnesses is hard, but what’s more hard is not being able to understand your emotions and feelings or being able to regulate them.

People say trust the process, I have been trusting the process for a long time. I am satisfied with my career growth, but my personal life, physical, and mental health is in shambles. I haven’t even started the third case analysis yet. I have big dreams but the nightmares are taking over me these days.

My dreams are weird as well. Sometimes it’s fine but sometimes I stay paralysed inside a nightmare and want to desperately come out. I end up waking up exhausted even after sleeping for 6-8 hours. I cannot explain the extent of the pain I am enduring now; maybe I am being punished for something.

You know, I was better off being heartless. This sudden surge of emotion and the need to be loved has made a mess out of my living self.

Why is life so unfair and hard at times?

Conflicts

There are several conflicting situations in our life and an endless abyss of conflicts inside our heart. But the main one, I think, is between what we deserve and what we desire. We think we deserve a lot of things in life starting from a great career to a good love life; but that’s actually our hidden desire manifesting in a different way.

Our conscious and subconscious minds are both tuned differently. Our conscious mind wants it all but our subconscious mind shows us reality in the form of distorted dreams. It draws a thin boundary between desire, deserve, destiny, and fantasy.

We wake up in the morning sometimes confused, sometimes tired, and sometimes remembering the dreams bits and pieces, and end up in a conflicting state of mind. But it’s all a psychological game of our mind showing us the mirror.

Conflicts arise inside our heart and mind when we are unable to distinguish between wants and needs, desire and deserve. It’s a long shot, but it’s worth a try for our own peace of mind.

It's 1:30 am and I am in a state of conflict!

Mess

There are two types of mess according to me; one that’s a pretty one like a messy hair bun and the other is a devastating one like a messy room, washroom, or in my case - my life. Life has been a total mess for me since 2020. Marriage, divorce, joblessness, and now the neurotic behaviour of my parents. Sometimes Dad goes off his nerves and sometimes Mom gets on my nerves. Dad ends up being numb without responding to any questions asked and Mom keeps shouting even after me begging her to shut up.

I was finally trying to get my life back on track but the mess doesn’t let me come out of its tangles. Earlier, the days were messy and the nights brought peace. Now, either days are messy, the nights are dreadful with no peace or sleep, or literally both.

I am submerged in a pool of my own sorrows and tears but it’s only visible to me. I crave silence and peace but it’s now unavailable in the Universe’s market for me. My brain is a mess of tangled thoughts of cobwebs and overthinking. Sometimes I feel I am stronger but sometimes I fall apart because I cannot clean up the mess alone.

I am tired of it all!

A Confused Nerd

Everyone calls me a nerd because I have over 1500 books and almost always read, research, or write all the time. But there is a different side of me, a side which wants to explore a variety of fields of studies and things in the world. I want to know about the cosmos, the history of literary everything, archaeology, literature, crime, psychology, mythologies, and many more things. I keep exploring and reading multiple books at a time, highlighting every line or word or paragraph that intrigues me, and pasting post-its everywhere.

This is the confused nerd in me. What do I exactly want? This life is too short to explore everything and yet I want to. I want to know who are we as humans, where do we come from, how did we evolve, how does the human brain work, what’s our history, what are the secrets of the world, about famous authors and reading their work, and the list goes on.

Sometimes I wonder, can I be a polymath or am I just another crazy and lonely nerd?

It’s Okay to not be Okay!

Sometimes we forget that we are humans with emotions, feelings, and a body that cannot function the same as a Humanoid or a Robot. Even machines need shutting down for some time to recharge or cool down; but we humans have become so engrossed in the hustle culture that we have overlooked our mental health.

Even I have my phases; I would be lying if I say I did not. Every high-functioning and hyperactive person has a restless soul trying to find peace and purpose. But sometimes it all boils down to a saturation point and both the body and mind give up.

It’s okay to have those phases, even roads have potholes but that doesn’t make them any less travelled.

Just shut down for a while and put everything aside. Feel everything deeply, don’t avoid it, and then let it pass. It’s easier said than done and I know it’s damn hard; but so is life.

And yet we are living!

.    .    .