Did someone ever pass a comment or suggestion that claimed to be out of concern but instead caused harm? Statements like:
“You look like a skeleton, as if you’re malnourished.”
“You should start looking for small and easy courses since you don’t seem capable of completing your degree.”
“You are living an undefined life, and it has no future.”
These are not concerned comments—they are judgments in disguise. People are making them believe they’re being helpful, but in truth, they are enforcing a narrow, outdated checklist of what a worthy life should look like, based on appearance, degrees, and conformity. They can’t imagine a future beyond their own blueprint, so they assume you don’t have one. Their sick comments work like slow poison. You may smile them off in the moment, but later, alone, the words replay in your head. They plant doubt where there was curiosity, shame where there was pride. Slowly, they start shaping the way you see yourself.
This mentality is dangerous for society because it kills individuality before it has a chance to grow. It discourages risk-taking, creativity, and exploration. It pushes people into safe, predictable boxes—not because that’s what they want, but because that’s the only way to be seen as “good enough.” And a society that shames people for living differently doesn’t just hold individuals back; it holds itself back.
The Origin of This Mentality
Earlier, people’s lives were more linear and predictable than they are today: education → job → marriage → house → kids → retirement. Most grew up in small social circles, without the internet or global awareness. Their definition of success was shaped locally—for instance, the shop owner who managed to buy land, or the government employee with a pension.
Opportunities were scarce, so failure was costly. Changing careers, experimenting, or starting late was seen as risky, even foolish. That fear was passed down like an heirloom. In older societies, appearance was often assumed to reflect health, wealth, and discipline. A strong body meant hard work; a certain dress code meant respectability. This outdated link between how you look and who you are still influences how people judge others today.
Owning property, marrying by a certain age, dressing and behaving according to community expectations—these were once considered benchmarks of stability and success. But today, that mindset no longer fits. The economy has shifted, with gig work, online businesses, and unconventional careers becoming legitimate paths. Skills, often self-taught, matter more than formal degrees. Even a degree is meaningless without practical knowledge and experience. Exposure to global ideas has also expanded what “success” looks like—from a safe, predictable life to one driven by passion and purpose.
Yet, many people haven’t updated their mental checklist. They still cling to the old one, and anyone living outside of it becomes a “failure” in their eyes.
Consequences of an Outdated Mentality
This mentality is built on assumptions, not reality. Growth is messy—it’s not always linear, and it may be invisible in its early stages. But people with outdated mindsets still judge others by their weight, clothing, or job title while ignoring their skills, potential, and resilience.
It assumes you’re “valuable” only if you fit a specific mould: healthy-looking, well-dressed, well-educated, steadily employed. Anything outside that mould is labelled “failure,” even if it actually represents strength, persistence, or unconventional success.
Many of these so-called “helpful” comments are nothing more than projections of personal fear and insecurity. Instead of asking, “How can I support you?” people ask, “Why aren’t you fitting into my version of success?”
The consequences are damaging:
- People avoid risks and creative paths for fear of judgment.
- Repeated criticism makes them internalise the idea that they are “less” or “behind.”
- Some force themselves into unwanted paths just to prove others wrong, often leading to burnout.
- Trust fades when loved ones become sources of shame, creating emotional distance.
On a societal scale, these mindsets widen generational divides, kill innovation, and reinforce inequality. Talented individuals abandon passions because they don’t look “practical” enough. Human potential is wasted. A society that forces everyone into one checklist will only produce sameness—and in a fast-changing world, sameness is weakness, not strength.
Real Success Is Silent and Invisible
One of the biggest flaws in judgment is the belief that success is obvious—that it wears a suit, carries a title, and has a fixed address. In reality, real success often happens quietly, in ways that aren’t visible at a glance.
- Learning a skill at 2 AM in your bedroom doesn’t look like progress.
- Spending months developing an idea before it earns a single rupee doesn’t look like work.
- Healing from burnout, loss, or trauma doesn’t look like achievement.
- Networking, failing, and restarting can look like aimlessness to outsiders.
But success is a process. And in progress, success often looks like nothing. Sometimes the most important wins are the ones no one claps for: breaking a bad habit, leaving a toxic environment, regaining self-confidence.
Many successful people looked “unsuccessful” for years because they were still in the building stage. J.K. Rowling was a single mother on welfare before Harry Potter. Colonel Sanders was 62 when he started KFC. By old-school standards, both would have failed the “success checklist.”
When we only recognise visible, conventional achievements, we discourage those in the messy middle of their journey. We teach them that if their life doesn’t look like success now, it isn’t worth pursuing. That’s how potential dies—not because people lack capability, but because they’re convinced too early that they aren’t enough.
The Correct Mentality to Embrace
A “capable” person isn’t always the one who looks strong or polished. It’s often the one who gets back up after every setback. Strength doesn’t always show in posture or clothing, but in decisions made when no one is watching.
Instead of telling people what they should do, ask them what they want to do—and then offer help, resources, or encouragement. Support nurtures growth. Control strangles it.
Stop asking:
- Do they have a degree?
- Are they married?
- Do they own property?
Start asking:
- Can they adapt?
- Can they learn?
- Do they have persistence and creativity?
- Capacity builds futures. Checklists only confirm conformity.
When the people who are supposed to believe in you instead question your worth, they plant seeds of self-doubt. You begin shaping your life to avoid criticism instead of chasing your vision. You hide your dreams, fearing they’ll be mocked before they bloom. Over time, judgment from loved ones cuts deeper than words from strangers. It doesn’t just hurt ambition; it chips away at identity.
Success is not a snapshot—it’s a film still in production. Without seeing the whole story, no one has the right to write your ending.
“Don’t mistake the seed for the soil it’s in. What you see now isn’t the whole story of what it can become.”