"lag ja gale, kei phir ye hasin raat ho na ho"

A tune so pure it brings a part of me I had forgotten. Imagine scaling up your vocal cords and trying to find your pitch, after numerous counts, you finally reach there. This is what this song feels like, feels like a range long gone, a range you want to find again.

This is a homage to my old days of TV and Bollywood, the 9XM craze, and how we used to go gaga over some lines."Lag ja gale" is a piece of my memory I just randomly chose. When music becomes a part of life, it becomes the reason for that life. Oh, how beautifully words can be hummed with a tune so effective it makes you forget your wounds. It's like an antiseptic, a bottle of medicine turning into pure bliss.

There I was, randomly opening and closing my mom's old phone, thinking it might just work after all. It didn't, but guess what I found? A library of saved music, let me rephrase that, an entire basket of the best-handpicked flowers whose smell still refreshes the home. In that sweet little entity, my eyes automatically found the words "lag ja gale", before I could do a double-take, I had already played it. There it starts...

It caresses your face and reminds you of the love that feels so eternal. In all seriousness of the world, I can't describe what a home feels like, but I can tell how it surrounds you. This song is home.

"Shayad phir is janam mein mulakat ho na ho ''- I'm in the busy traffic rush, you Bangalore traffic, give me some space. The driver looks at me and says something in Kannada, something about the radio. I give him my full support to play anything to ease the tension. Like a magnetic effect, a line of Lag Ja Gale hits again. I smile and blush a little thinking how wonderful it would feel to sing this for someone in my life. I could only think of one such person I would sing my heart out to, someone who held me in my pretty college days, someone who lost his way to me.

"Shayad fir iss janam mein mulakat ho na ho ''- simply means maybe we'll cross paths once in this era, or maybe not. I brace myself to tears, let's be honest, it still hurts. The pain of losing a loved one is a pain long gone but a pain that still haunts my soul. I tell myself repeatedly to move on, to stop dedicating this one song, to maybe, stop feeling things again.

"Humko mili hai aaj yeh, ghadiya naseeb sei"

There it is, this song again. I'm sipping my tea silently in a darshini surrounded by strangers. I look at the owner, silently asking him- why this song sir? A few days ago in traffic and now like this. It's like this song has bound me along with it in a spiral of who cries first, her or me. Like a stupid happily ever after twist, I see someone. My heart beats so rapidly, it might be a heart attack. For a minute, I was stunned by those eyes. Those smooth curls, he always wanted to cut but never did. I see him. I knew Darshini on a Sunday morning was a bad idea but who would've thought he'd be here? In Bangalore?

I wanted to reach out, make him see me, make him realize I was here, somewhere still waiting for him. Just like in old times, he was late, while I would sit in a darshini feasting on dosa and coffee. Today he was different, I had tea instead of coffee, and today even our story was different.

I wanted to run away and, at the same time, run towards him and ask how life was. You know, subtlety. I stared at him for too long, his head slowly turned towards me. Oh! You cheesy Bollywood for making me believe that this is a romantic scene. In real life, I didn't know how to react. Finally, after what felt like 100 years, he looked at me. I could see the shock registering in his eyes, it was like he couldn't believe it himself. Glad we're on the same page.

Gathering all the courage he could, he simply walked towards me and asked very politely if he could take a seat. Oh lord, he's still the gentleman I remember. Nobody spoke for another 2 minutes. We were just analyzing the other one. It was him who spoke- 'So how are you?' Four words and it felt like I lost my voice altogether. We indulged in the slowest type of slow talk, it felt weird considering our history and how hours would go by and now we can't even pass 2 minutes.

He said he had to leave, I said the most natural thing 'Okay'. He stared a little longer and felt like he wanted to ask something, but before I could say anything, he left. I couldn't understand how the past 10 minutes changed my entire day. "Humko mili hai aaj yeh, ghadiya naseeb sei"- we barely got this time to ourselves.

"Jee bhar kei dekh lijiye, humko kareeb se"

Humming this tune again, I wander around my friend's wedding. I've made peace with this song and the memories it parcels, in the hope it'll stop bringing more tears. It's my college friend's wedding, God knows how I'm still invited considering we lost contact in between. Seeing almost 1000 people here, I understood. A rich wedding with everyone you ever knew in life. God certainly blessed these two. I'm talking to one of my old friends about the economy, how times have changed, and how we are all in our late 20s and struggling with our adulting. Amid a not-so-interesting conversation, I hear a voice. Dear God, why me? Again?

I turned towards the sound of the voice and it was him. I mean stop going where I go, for once. My hiding plan backfired as he automatically looked in my direction (someone passed me water). He comes closer, carrying the fresh smell of cologne and all the confidence of the world with him. Let the staring game begin again, this time I spoke first to avoid embarrassment.

'Why are you here?' I need a filter, it came out more rudely than it's supposed to be. He gave me that look, the same look I was accustomed to when we were together, the one that says- disappointment. I coughed a little in an attempt to make it normal. I tried again "Hi, how are you, didn't you leave the city 5 years ago? Vowing to never come back ?". God help me, he simply ignored the bitterness and continued "I came back for some work-related stuff", that's all I got. After 5 years, that's all the explanation I got. My stupid heart wanted the reason to be me but sadly it's work.

"Jee bhar kei dekh lijiye, humko kareeb se"- come closer and look at me to your heart's extent.

"Fir aapke naseeb mein, yeh baat ho na ho, shayad phir iss janam mein mulakat ho na ho"

The night of the wedding was beautiful. Man, it feels good to meet these people, just like old days.

He's somewhere lurking around like he does, why am I observing him? My heart refuses to listen to my brain and act like a 27-year-old for once. The whole setup reminds me of how everything started, with a plain coincidence of bunking classes together just to end up being introduced by some common friends. I always thought he had good manners and a pretty smile, yet, failed to imagine an ending to our narrative.

There we are, a gap of 5 years and after thousands of messages and disconnected calls. There we are, two kids who failed to hold love properly till it shattered and created havoc in their hearts. There we are, giving subtle glances to each other in the hope that the other one notices. There he is, laughing and enjoying as he does, unaware of the power he holds. There I am, still waiting for a miracle to finally call him my home.

We were alone near the great fountain, plain coincidence again. He was there when I reached and I wanted to be near him for 5 more minutes. We sat in silence. My body was acting up, I wanted to suddenly start a fight, ask him a million little questions, and for the love of God, ask what happened between us. What changed us?

My head was about to burst, my heart wanted to beg him for a solution and my hands were shaking. I've never been like this around him. Even after he left, I never felt so weak. Here, near him, I'm failing miserably. How often do we all love and forget? How often do they still affect us? If only someone could stand in my shoes and answer these questions. I told myself to stop whining and overthinking and to start speaking. Now or never, now or never, now or never. I kept chanting and asking myself to do something, say something. Before I could ask that one question, I heard a line "Surprise honey, I flew to Bangalore so you won't feel alone".

There she was. Suddenly everything made sense, all the memories came back on a whim, and I could finally realize why we broke up. She sprinted towards him and hugged him like he was all hers. It's true though, it's been like that for 5 years now.

Nobody understands the amount of strength you need to forget someone, the number of lies you have to tell yourself, and the number of truths you have to hide. I still lived in this one hope, how am I so stupid? He was never mine to keep, I always knew that, but I could never make myself understand that.

"Fir aapke naseeb mein, yeh baat ho na ho, shayad phir iss janam mein mulakat ho na ho"

Maybe this night is not for us, this conversation is not for us. Maybe in this world, our world is impossible, maybe we're never meant to be. We'll probably never meet again but "lag ja gale", hug me tightly today and tell me it's all okay.

This is not a song I've forgotten, this is a melody I want to let go of.

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