The way I feel as a 20-year-old, somewhere between 15 and 20, I lost myself. Is this how my 20s will be? The constant feeling of lagging behind is eating me from the inside. 

Never felt so lost in my life. I am really an adult now. The world is moving ahead. EVERY SINGLE DAY. And it feels like I am just stuck. Just stuck at one place. Every day feels like a new day, but still the same me. I don’t know myself anymore. The 13-year-old me would never love the 20-year-old me. How is it possible for one person to make these many mistakes in just one lifetime? And life is yet to come. Life comes once in a lifetime. A friend of mine told me this. And I am asking myself the same question every day: “When will it be my turn? ” Nothing feels exciting anymore. How did I let myself become this?? The 13-year-old me thought growing up would be fun. It's not. I let her down. I let MYSELF down every day. Each thought kills me. It feels as if I am just a shell of a person. It feels as if I am no less than a robot. 

I forgot the feeling of being enough. Maybe I will never be enough anymore. Is this what they call an existential crisis? Looking at everyone else around me, I feel as if I am in the wrong place. But then, where else do I belong if not here? Will I ever belong somewhere? It's so exhausting trying to fit in. Each time I try to take 1 step, I see someone make 1000 steps, and I just go back. Where is my real place? Does anyone know? This is a constant feeling at this point. In life, I look at my parents’ faces, and I feel like a failure. I look at my little sister, and I feel I am not the right role model for her. I wouldn’t tell myself to be a role model for even myself. I don’t love myself. Sometimes I do like myself. But other times. I loathe myself. I hate the way I am. I hate everything about me. I was once a girl with so many dreams and goals. A girl with so much focus and clarity. And then maybe just one random Monday. I lost her. I lost myself. I lost. 

Everything I have ever loved. Now I don’t have anything worth giving my energy to. This 20-year-old me just wants to lie on a bed and rot there. I have become exactly who I hated for my entire childhood. I am not proud of the 20-year-old me. I don’t wish I were 20. Being a thirteen-year-old and cheerful was fun; it was exciting. I still wish I were the same 13-year-old little girl playing. badminton, drawing, playing, and just studying with no care in the world. Still the same girl who used to top her class. Who was everyone’s favourite? Still the same girl who loved dancing. The same girl who loved English. The same girl who was creative. It feels as if with each passing birthday, I am losing a piece of me. I have lost so many pieces of myself. Maybe I will never be. able to collect those pieces back. I have lost so many parts of me. I think it's impossible to be that. girl ever again. I wish to become that girl again. She was the best of me. But then I sit and question myself: “What if my best is yet to come?” I want to do everything. I want to be good at everything. But how will I ever be when I am not even good at one thing? I’ve never done anything that makes me proud of myself. What if I will never make myself proud? What if I fail myself? There are days when I can't even look at myself in the mirror. Why is it so hard? On that day?? Why is my mind not a safe place for me anymore? I feel like shouting, screaming, crying, and just crying. But I guess even my tears have dried at this point. Failure is so common. 

To me now, a small victory makes me happy now. I know I am behind. I know I am growing. Apart from everyone, I love. The 13-year-old me would never do that. But 20-year-old me has done it. Sometimes I feel like running away and never coming back. Never coming back to anyone. Just be myself. But most times I need them. I need them to hold me. I need them to be there for me. I need them to understand me. And they do, most times. They do understand me. Most times. But I guess there are times when neither my family nor I understand me. And it's okay. because even I fail to understand myself. I am growing apart from everything I love. I don’t dance or paint anymore. I feel dumb, stupid, worse, hopeless sometimes. I feel worthless and useless. all the time. As if I have just wasted every privilege given to me. I feel I am not deserving. 

I don’t deny that I have been given everything as a child and even now. But it feels as if I am not. deserving. Maybe I am lost. Maybe I will never find my way back. But what if I do? It feels so overwhelming every day. Every day, it feels as if my emotions are not in my control. anymore. As if I will go crazy soon. 

As if I will explode one day. No one tells you how. Emotionally challenging, it can be growing up. I have outgrown so many things, so many people. I have even outgrown myself. How do I find my way back?

How do I know that I am ready to face the world? Maybe soon I will know. Maybe…

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