“Mother knows best..”- Tangled
This is an iconic song from the Disney film “Tangled”, where Gothel insists her refusal is for Rapunzel’s protection. “Mother knows best” is Gothel’s attempt to rationalise keeping Rapunzel imprisoned indefinitely, going to great lengths to convince her that she will be better off staying home. Most of the Indian children must have heard this dialogue at least once in their lives. “Mother knows best” and “We are doing this for your good” are the two sentences most of the Indian parents use to justify forcing their choices on their children. Many of the parents weaponise emotional manipulation and guilt-trip their children for them to ultimately walk in the path that they planned for them. Well, are they right or wrong? Where does this stem from? What are the impacts that this parenting style has on the children? And how to deal with it?
What is Toxic Parenting?
From “Taare Zameen Par” to “3 idiots”, Bollywood cinema touched upon the concept of toxic parenting in India, but from different angles. The film “Taare Zameen par” portrayed a dyslexic child, Ishaan Awasthi, who is struggling to perform well at school and is constantly pressured to conform to academic standards by his parents. His parents constantly resort to punishment and criticism, failing to recognise his unique learning style and skills, which contributes to Ishaan’s feelings of isolation and low self-esteem. Finally, it took Aamir Khan’s character, a teacher, to understand him and help him. “3 Idiots” critiques the Indian education system’s pressure on students to pursue traditional career paths, often ignoring their passions and inclinations.
Toxic parenting refers to a pattern of behaviour from a parent that is consistently harmful to a child’s emotional or psychological well-being. Sometimes, it can also extend to causing harm to a child’s physical well-being. This develops an innate fear of guilt and obligation in the child, which strains the relationship between the parents and the children. Toxic behaviours can include constant criticism of everything they do; physically or verbally abusing them, like hitting, yelling at them; constant comparison to others and belittling them; weaponising emotional manipulation to control the child’s behaviour. This toxic style of parenting has a long-lasting and detrimental effect on a child’s mental and emotional health, impacting their self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being.
Generational Trauma and Conditioning: The Reason?
According to a report in The Times of India, an HSBC study on parents’ expectations about their child’s education revealed that 51% wanted a successful career for their children and only 17% cited fulfilling their child’s potential as a top goal.
Indian parents have been socially conditioned by their parents and people around them, and they pass that generational trauma to their children. The conditioning has made them prioritise financial independence and social status more than an individual’s happiness. This happens because they associate financial independence and high social status in society with happiness. That’s why in the movie “3 idiots”, Farhan is forced to pursue engineering despite his passion for wildlife photography. There is a scene in the movie where Farhan’s father cites the sacrifices he made for Farhan, to Rancho and begs him not to divert Farhan from his engineering career. Farhan’s father’s character is truly the embodiment of the Indian parents who truly make sacrifices for their children and believe they are doing the best for their children by pushing them into the paths chosen by them. They are not aware of or refuse to acknowledge the changes in the world around them.
In India, 35 students kill themselves every day. Since 2018, the number of student deaths by suicide has been more than 10,000 each year. The societal and parental pressure, and the failure to conform to their standards, cause these suicides. Parents have to understand that the world around them has changed and that the children are their people and not trophies or accolades to flaunt. They should develop a supportive and understanding approach to parenting, encouraging children to pursue their passions and find fulfilment in their chosen paths. They must understand that what they may think is good for their children may instead have a negative consequence on the children.
Anxious Attachment Style, Rebellion, Among other Consequences.
Toxic parenting has many negative consequences for children that manifest themselves in later parts of their lives. Toxic habits like crossing their boundaries and not granting them the autonomy to make their own decisions can make them incapable of taking the important decisions of their lives later on. A parent’s responsibility is to prepare their children for their adult life and not to make them dependent. The unpredictable nature of a parent’s behaviour can make children emotionally vulnerable, and it causes chronic anxiety in them. Parents with office workload, especially single parents, often experience mood swings and release their anger on their children through their actions.
The lack of autonomy and punishments develops a rebellious nature in them. They may respond by acting out, defying rules, and this rebellion is often a coping mechanism to assert their independence, seek validation or protect their emotional well-being. The lack of a safe space for open communication leads to a breakdown in trust and understanding. In some cases, teenagers rebel by engaging in risky behaviours or substance abuse to cope with the lack of support and communication with their parents. The children need a nurturing and supportive environment to thrive and not resort to a coping mechanism to cope with their mental distress caused by their parents.
Failing to validate their emotions or experiences leads to emotional repression, which causes difficulty in forming healthy attachments. Trust issues, fear of intimacy and a tendency to repeat these toxic patterns in their relationships are often observed. This attachment style is known as anxious attachment style.
Anxiety attachment style is a pattern of relating to others, characterised by a strong desire for closeness, fear of abandonment, and a tendency to seek constant reassurance. Individuals with this style often experience anxiety and insecurity in relationships, leading to clinginess and a heightened sensitivity to their partner’s behaviour. Unpredictable parenting and past experiences of neglect, abuse or abandonment contribute to the development of anxious attachment. This style negatively impacts the relationship where it manifests itself as jealousy, overthinking and the need for constant connection, causing co-dependency.
The constant guilt tripping and blaming cause self-doubt and low self-esteem. They can also develop social anxiety and become clinically depressed.
How to Deal with it?
The person needs to redefine their worth and learn to develop an emotional boundary between themselves and their parents. They have to surround themselves or create an environment where they feel no need for approval or validation.
The person who has been through the trauma must seek informal or formal external support. Informal external support, including talking to someone you trust like a friend, a family member, or support groups which can provide a sense of community and validation. Formal support means consulting an experienced therapist or psychologist and talking to them.
In a 2012 study, it was found that 62% were likely to get chronic anxiety if they tried to deal with their toxic parents. Reconciliation is a personal choice and must be made only if the parents are willing to acknowledge their harmful behaviour and make a sincere effort to change. The decision ultimately depends on a particular person’s specific situation, the nature of the toxicity and the individual’s capacity for healing and forgiveness. Prioritising their mental health and safety is crucial while making this decision. The decision must also involve setting clear boundaries.
Finally, it is important to be aware of the patterns of toxic parenting and consciously work towards breaking those patterns in your relationships. By recognising and addressing the toxic patterns, individuals can prevent the cycle of trauma from repeating in future generations.