When you look fine but feel tired anyway
Sometimes it’s weird how people look at you and say you’re doing great you’re so calm and I just nod because I don’t even know how to explain that calm isn’t peace it’s just me holding everything together so it doesn’t spill everywhere and most days it works I wake up do what I’m supposed to do talk to whoever I need to talk to pretend I’m fine but underneath that I’m running on this constant buzzing feeling like electricity that never switches off and even when I smile my chest feels heavy like something’s pressing there and I keep thinking maybe tomorrow i’ll actually feel fine but I never really do I just get better at pretending.
How it actually happens
I used to think anxiety meant panic attacks or crying all the time but for me it’s not that it’s like my body remembers things before I do like someone raises their voice a little too loud and suddenly my stomach drops or someone cancels plans and I feel like I did something wrong and I know it doesn’t make sense but it’s like my body jumps ten steps ahead it’s already bracing for something bad because once upon a time bad things did happen and that memory never really left so now every small thing feels like a threat even if it isn’t and you tell yourself to relax but your heart’s already racing and your throat’s tight and you can’t tell if you’re overreacting or if you’re just wired this way now.
When I started noticing it
There was a day someone shouted near me not even at me and I remember my hands shaking so bad I had to hide them in my pockets and another day someone just stopped texting and my brain started building stories about what I did wrong and it sounds ridiculous when you say it out loud but in the moment it feels real it feels like danger and later when I calm down I always get mad at myself like why can’t I just be normal why can’t I shrug things off like everyone else but it’s not something you switch off it’s just always there under the surface and honestly that’s exhausting more than anything else the constant self-blame.
The overachiever thing
So I started overcompensating like if I can’t stop the anxiety maybe I can drown it in work and it worked for a while I guess because people started calling me responsible and hardworking and dependable and those words feel nice at first but they also become a trap because then you can’t stop you can’t take a break because what if people stop seeing you that way what if you disappoint them and so you keep going keep saying yes to everything you finish one task and start another not because you want to but because stopping feels wrong it feels unsafe like if I stop moving everything will fall apart and that’s the part no one sees they just see the results not the panic behind it.
Why rest feels weird
Rest is supposed to make you feel better but sometimes when I finally sit down and try to relax it just makes it worse because suddenly all the thoughts I pushed away come rushing in like noise and I can’t deal with it so I pick up my phone or start cleaning or replying to messages anything just to feel busy again because silence feels dangerous it feels like the moment before something bad happens and it’s stupid because I know nothing bad is happening but my body doesn’t believe it it’s like my brain and body aren’t on the same page one keeps saying you’re fine and the other keeps saying run.
The day it hit me
I think the worst realization came one night when I had done everything literally everything on my list and still couldn’t relax I was sitting there in the dark and felt empty like there was nothing left to do and instead of relief there was panic like my brain didn’t know what to do without a problem to solve and that’s when I knew this wasn’t just stress this was something deeper I had trained myself to function only in chaos so calm felt wrong and it broke me a little because I realized I didn’t know how to just exist without fixing something.
Trying to heal (kind of)
Healing sounds nice on paper but in real life it’s clumsy and boring and sometimes it feels pointless I try breathing exercises sometimes they help they don’t I write things down and half the time the page just ends up being one long rant but maybe that’s okay because at least I’m letting it out I started noticing small things like when my shoulders tense or when I hold my breath without realizing and I tell myself hey relax and sometimes it works and sometimes I forget five minutes later therapy helped too but healing isn’t linear you go forward then back then sideways and that’s fine or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.
The guilt part
The guilt hits harder than the anxiety sometimes because the moment you stop overdoing things you feel like you’re letting people down or being lazy and even when you rest you keep thinking about all the things you “should” be doing it’s like rest has to be justified I catch myself checking my phone while I’m trying to relax because doing nothing feels wrong but slowly I’m learning that maybe I don’t have to earn rest maybe it’s something I’m allowed to have just because I exist and it still feels weird to believe that.
What I know now
Now when people tell me I’m strong or that I handle things well I just smile because they have no idea I’m not strong I’m just practiced I’m tired of performing I still get anxious I still overthink I still mess up but I’m learning to not hate myself for it I’m learning that maybe strength isn’t pretending you’re okay maybe it’s admitting when you’re not I’m learning to be softer with myself and that’s harder than it sounds.
If you feel this too
If you read this and any of it sounds familiar then please know you’re not broken you’re just tired you’ve been in survival mode for so long that peace feels strange and that’s okay you’ll get used to it again slowly and maybe not perfectly but that’s fine you don’t have to keep proving yourself to deserve rest or love or anything you already deserve it even if all you do today is breathe that’s enough.
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