I was content in my solitude, living my life quietly and peacefully. I had learned to be alone, and strangely, it never felt like loneliness. I was happy. Within my family, within my own little world, tangled in my own problems and slowly learning how to solve them. There was no one else to complicate things, and I had made peace with that.

Somewhere along the way, I had convinced myself that love wasn’t meant for me. Because when I love, I don’t just fall.. I drown. And people… they often let me drown. They leave in the middle of it, while I’m still sinking. And I go so deep that I end up losing myself, losing them, and sometimes even losing the ability to love again.

But then… someone entered my life.

So calmly, so quietly, that I didn’t even realise when the windows I had once shut for love slowly began to open again. In a world full of chaos, all I felt with him was calm. A kind of calm that felt unfamiliar, yet safe.

You’d probably laugh if I told you this, but we both used to say it felt like we were living inside a film. Like, none of it was real. But the truth is… it was.

And it all started most unexpectedly.

A random video call.

One of my close cousins was with him on that call. He hadn’t even seen me properly, and yet… he started flirting. Just like that. Out of nowhere.

And I remember laughing it off, saying, ‘Galat ladki se flirt kar raha hai…’

Little did I know… he wasn’t wrong.

And somehow, we were already connected.

On Instagram.

Just common schoolmates… nothing more. Or at least, that’s what I believed.

And let me tell you something..he was my junior.

Yes… You heard that right.

It should’ve meant nothing. It was nothing.

Until it wasn’t.

Then came 28th April 2025. I got a notification on Snapchat. He had sent me a request.

And I don’t know why… I genuinely don’t know why…

But I accepted it.

No thinking. No hesitation.

Just one simple tap.

Sometimes I sit and wonder. 

Was it really just a random decision…

Or was that the moment everything quietly began?

I was preparing for NEET, completely consumed by it. My days were packed, my mind was always running, and honestly. I didn’t have the space to feel anything for anyone. Not in that way. So when he started sending me snaps… it didn’t mean much at first.

He’d send snaps. I’d send something, he’d save it. Every single one.

Then slowly, he started replying to my snaps.

Not just reactions.. actual replies. And that’s how it began. Little conversations.After every snap.

His questions… my answers.

It was simple. Light. Easy.And for me? It was just… fun. Like a tiny escape.

A mini stress reliever in the middle of all that pressure.

Because in my head, he still didn’t matter in that way.

But somewhere between those little conversations…

They started getting longer.

Not just snaps anymore. 

actual talks.

About us.

About life.

About random things that somehow didn’t feel random anymore.

And one day, out of nowhere…

I told him something really small.

I couldn’t wake up early.

But at that time, it wasn’t just about waking up.

My NEET was close, and I was frustrated… anxious… scared.

Everything felt like too much.

And somehow… he noticed.

He didn’t laugh it off. He didn’t ignore it.

Instead, he started explaining things to me, telling me he trusted me… that I could do it.

And the weird part?

He actually meant it.

He himself would sleep late, but still wake up early, just to call me.

Just to make sure I woke up.

Just to make sure, I started studying.

And once I did…

He’d go back to sleep.

Like it was nothing.

But to me… it wasn’t nothing.

He kept checking on me.

Not just me..my preparation.

“How’s it going?”

“Did you study?”

“Doing okay?”

Giving me advice I never even asked for… but somehow… I liked it.

I don’t know why. Maybe because for the first time…someone was staying.

Not just in the good moments but in the messy, stressful, overwhelming ones too.”

And then came the day of my NEET exam, the day that had been sitting on my chest for months, heavy and suffocating. I remember wanting comfort so badly, the kind that doesn’t come from words people are forced to say, but from someone who actually means it… and somehow, he became that person. He sent me voice notes. soft, calm, like he knew exactly how loud my mind was, and he said things like, “I know you can do this… just don’t be anxious, stay calm… I’m there.” And those three words..I’m there. They stayed with me more than anything else. In that moment, surrounded by pressure and fear, his voice felt like a pause, like everything slowed down just a little. But along with that comfort came questions I couldn’t ignore - why was he doing all this for me? Why did he care this much, this early? Why did it feel like he was more invested in me than people who had known me for years? And the scariest question of all..did I even deserve this kind of care? We had only been talking for a week, just a week, and yet he trusted me in a way that didn’t make sense. He kept showing me the good parts of myself that I had slowly stopped believing in, reminding me again and again that I was capable, that I wasn’t as lost as I felt. And after the exam, when everything inside me felt empty and heavy, when I thought I wouldn’t be able to smile for a while, he stayed. He didn’t try too hard, didn’t force anything. He just talked, casually, normally, and somehow… he made me laugh. In a moment where I thought laughter didn’t belong to me anymore, he brought it back so effortlessly. And I think that’s when it started to shift..when it stopped being just conversations, just snaps, just a random person… and slowly became something I couldn’t ignore, something I didn’t fully understand yet, but something that was quietly finding a place inside me. 

And then… the self-doubt started creeping in quietly. Not all at once, not loudly… but slowly, like something sitting in the corner of my mind, waiting. Because deep down, I knew… the exam hadn’t gone the way it was supposed to. I knew it. No matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise. But still, in front of everyone, I kept smiling. Acting normal. Laughing at things that didn’t even feel funny. Pretending like nothing was wrong. Like I wasn’t overthinking every single answer I had written. Like I wasn’t scared of what comes next.

But then… his texts.

It’s strange how one notification can change your entire mood.

Because when he texted… my smile wasn’t fake anymore. It wasn’t something I had to force. It just… came. Effortlessly. Softer. Real.

He started talking to me more. Calling me whenever he gets time. And slowly, without even realising it, the way he treated me started affecting me in ways I didn’t expect. He treated me like a kid… not in a childish way, but in a soft, caring way. Like, I didn’t have to carry everything all the time.

And I had forgotten that feeling.

Being the elder daughter… You grow up without even noticing. You become responsible before you’re ready. You stop complaining. You stop expecting. You stop being that “kid” who just lives without thinking too much. And somewhere in all of that… I forgot how to be carefree. How to smile without a reason. How to feel light.

But with him… it felt a little lighter.

He was there. Every single time I needed someone. And not just him… but anyone. Like if I just needed someone to listen, someone to stay, someone to distract me… he was there.

And slowly… he stopped being just “anyone”.

He became someone I started looking for.

Someone I started waiting for.

Someone I didn’t say out loud… but quietly started craving.

He used to flirt with me, and I’d always brush it off “rehne de, tujhse nahi hoga…”

Because for me, love… dating… all of that was already something I had locked away. I didn’t want to go there again. I knew what it felt like to give too much. To lose yourself.

Yes, he made me blush sometimes.

Yes, he made me smile more than I expected.

But love?

No.

I kept telling myself ..I’m not made for it.

Then CUET and other exams came, and just like before, he didn’t stop. If anything, he became even more involved. Pushing me to study. Asking me again and again..“padhai hui?” “Seriously bol, kiya ya nahi?”

Like he cared about my future more than I did myself.

And I don’t know why… but I liked that.

Maybe because someone was paying attention.

Maybe because someone believed in me… even when I didn’t.

Days passed.

And we grew closer.

Not in that typical “love” kind of way. There was no label. No confession. Nothing dramatic.

But something was happening.

We still hadn’t met. Not once.

And yet… we were talking about things I never thought I’d share. Not even with people I’ve known for years.

Late-night conversations became normal.

Talking about random things… deep things… stupid things… everything.

And slowly… very slowly…

We became a part of each other’s lives.

Not romantically.

Emotionally.

And sometimes… that feels even more dangerous.

Then came that day.

Because of two mutual people and their mess, we had to meet. It wasn’t something we planned for ourselves. It wasn’t exciting or romantic. It was just… needed.

9th May.

The first time we actually met.

Funny, right?

Same school for 8 years… maybe more.

And still… strangers in real life.

I remember stopping at the station and seeing him standing a little far away, on his bike. Waiting. Not coming too close, not acting extra… just there.

And the moment I saw him…

I smiled.

Not because I liked him. At least that’s what I told myself.

But because it felt weird. Different.

We had already talked so much. About everything and nothing at the same time. And now suddenly… he was real. Not just a name on my phone. Not just a voice.

The situation around us was serious. There was tension. Pressure. But still… he didn’t miss a single chance to flirt.

And I remember sitting behind him on his bike…

And the weirdest part? I wasn’t uncomfortable.

Not even for a second. I thought I would be. I was prepared for that awkward silence, that distance… but it wasn’t there. It felt… easy.

We talked. We laughed. I kept hitting him again and again every time he said something stupid or flirty. And he kept going.

“aapko bike sikhaunga… phir aap chalana, main peeche baithunga…”

And I was just sitting there thinking..idiot… we just met for the first time. Itna udd mat.

But deep down… somewhere very quiet…

I knew.

I’m not ready for this. I don’t want to get attached. I don’t want to fall again. I don’t want to go through that pain again. So I stayed in my safe place. Convincing myself that this is nothing.That he’s just someone I talk to. That this won’t turn into anything. Because loving from a distance felt safer…

than accepting that maybe…

just maybe…

I was already slipping into something I wasn’t ready to name. And then we finally reached the place where everything was supposed to be “discussed”… and when I say serious, I mean actually serious. The kind where your chest feels tight, your thoughts don’t stay in one place, and your legs literally start shaking without your control. I remember sitting there, trying to look normal, trying to act like I was okay, but inside… I was anything but calm. And he was sitting right beside me. Not saying much at first, not making it obvious… but still there. And then slowly, he placed his hand on my leg, just lightly… like he didn’t want to make a scene, just wanted me to feel that I’m not alone. And that one small gesture... it grounded me. Even though technically we were on opposite sides, with different people, handling a situation that wasn’t even about us… Somehow, in between all that mess, we were silently handling each other, too. Trying to stay strong, trying to manage things in every possible way we could, even when we ourselves were a little shaken.

And in the middle of all that chaos… we still found moments. Small ones. Quiet ones.

I was wearing my blue kurti with cargos and those bellies, the ones that were slightly torn. I didn’t even think much about it while getting ready, but of course… he noticed. When we were at GAO CLUB...that place which somehow became our first place...he started making fun of them, teasing me in that usual way of his. And I was just hitting him lightly, telling him to shut up… but smiling anyway. And then suddenly, in between all that teasing, he said something like, “chalo, main nayi dila deta hoon…” like it was the most normal thing to say.

And for a second… I didn’t know how to react.

Because on one hand, it felt… nice.

Like someone noticed. Like someone cared enough to say that.

But on the other hand… I wasn’t used to that.

I wasn’t someone who asks for help.

I wasn’t someone who lets people do things for me like that. It wasn’t in my nature. It wasn’t in my ethics.

And maybe it sounds stupid… I know it does…

But I just couldn’t accept it.

So I brushed it off. Made it into a joke.

Acted like it didn’t matter. But deep down… it did. Because in that moment, I realised something very quietly, he wasn’t just there in big, obvious ways… He was there in the smallest details, too.

Not loud.Not forced. Just… there. And maybe that’s what made it harder.

Because it wasn’t something I could ignore anymore.

It wasn’t just conversations, or snaps, or random calls.

It was becoming real. And I could feel it...something was changing between us…even when we were surrounded by everyone else.

 And then… in between all that chaos, all that seriousness, he just casually said it..like it was nothing, like it didn’t carry any weight..that he likes me. Just like that. No build-up, no drama. And me? I acted as if I ignored it… Like it didn’t affect me at all. (Of course it did.) I remember blushing instantly, trying to hide it, but the other two noticed… obviously they did… and started teasing me non-stop, making it even worse. And I was just there, pretending to be annoyed, but inside… everything felt different for a second.

Gap Club was more like a café with games, so we ordered ice cream, four cups. And honestly, it looked so bad that I didn’t even want to taste it. Like, genuinely… it didn’t even look edible. But I had no option. And I still remember this so clearly..there were four cups… but only two spoons. And since the other two were busy in their own mess, trying to sort things out… it was just him and me there. He picked up one spoon and said, “You eat first.” And I did. And it tasted horrible. Like, actually bad. And before I could even react properly, he just took the same spoon from me—and tasted it himself. No hesitation. Nothing. And then we both just… started laughing. Sitting there, sharing that stupid ice cream, making faces, enjoying that small moment as it mattered more than everything else around us.

And then again… he said it.

“I like you… haan kar do naaa…”

And I was like, “shut up, aaj hi mile hain… at least one year wait karna padega.” I said it jokingly… but also not jokingly. Because that was my wall. My safe line. My way of protecting myself. And then he went..."ek saal baad seedha Verna se aaunga propose karne… tab toh haan kar dogi?” Because I had once randomly told him how much I love Verna cars. And I just laughed it off..“haan haan dekhte hain…” Like, I wasn’t taking any of this seriously at all. Like, none of this could ever actually mean something.

Then we went inside. He loves playing pool… and I? I had never even touched it before. Not once. So while the other two were playing, he stood there… patiently teaching me. Slowly. Calmly. How to hold the stick, how to aim, how to push the ball. And I kept saying all those stupid self-doubt things..“mujhse nahi hoga,” “main nahi kar paungi,” again and again. And then suddenly… when I actually tried…

I felt it. His hands.

Around my waist. Adjusting my posture. Holding my fingers. Fixing my grip on the stick.

Guiding my hands slowly… properly.

And in that moment… I wasn’t even focusing on the game anymore.

My breath wasn’t normal.

My thoughts weren’t clear.

I was just… there. Looking at him.

Listening to his voice...so close.

Feeling his hands over mine…

And it felt… too much. In a good way. In a way I wasn’t ready for.

That day… I knew.

I knew that if he kept putting in this effort…

If he ever crossed that line I had drawn so strongly…I would fall.

And I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. So I stepped back.

I literally said, “Arre mere bas ka nahi hai… tum log khelo,” and walked out.

Because I needed space.

Because I was scared of what I was starting to feel.

And just like I thought he would…he followed.

No questions. No delay. Just came after me.

Still flirting. Still smiling. Still trying… no matter what.

And then, when we were going back… he said something so casually, but it stayed.

“jab aap meri ho jaaogi na… sab kuch karwa lena… bas ye mat karwana…” pointing at something random.

And I instantly went "main nahi haan karungi, samajh lo tum.” Still denying.

Still pretending. Still holding on to that one line.

And that’s how the day ended.

He dropped me at the same place he had picked me up from. No shortcuts. No change. Same beginning, same ending.

And before leaving, he just said,

“ghar jaate hi text karna… aur dhyaan rakhna.”

Simple. But it stayed.

And me? i was shocked… a little happy…

I don’t even know why. But I was.

And maybe that was the problem

because I was starting to feel something…

even when I kept telling myself

that I shouldn’t.”

And then I reached home… and without even realising what I was doing, I texted him first, and the second I hit send, I just stared at my screen for a moment like..wait… did I actually do that? Because I’m not someone who texts first, I’m not someone who tells people everything, I’m not someone who lets anyone become a habit… and yet, it didn’t feel forced, it felt normal, like I had already started making space for him somewhere inside me without even asking myself. And then he sent me this long paragraph describing our first meet, and I swear I was just sitting there in silence, reading every line slowly, because the way he noticed things... it scared me a little. He noticed my actions, my reactions, the way I spoke, what I wore, how I behaved… the kind of details even I overlook about myself, and it made me wonder… how can someone see me this clearly in just one day? And then I realised… I had noticed things too, maybe not consciously, but they stayed. I remember his black t-shirt, those simple pants, nothing special at all… and still, he looked good. And the strangest part? Before all this, he didn’t look like that to me; he was just another person, just someone I knew existed… but suddenly, without anything changing outside, something changed inside me, and the way I saw him shifted completely. And that’s when I knew.. His actions were starting to matter more than they should have. He started telling me everything, like literally everything..his routine, his family, where he was going, who he was with, what he was doing at that exact moment… and I don’t know when or how, but I started doing the same. Not because he asked, not because I planned to… but because I wanted to. And that scared me, too. Because I don’t open up like that. I don’t let people in that easily. And still… I was. There were no romantic talks, nothing official, nothing serious, but his soft flirting and my constant blushing became something regular, something expected, something I secretly started liking. And in between all of this, he did something that stayed with me in a completely different way. He pushed me to open an Instagram account for my poetry, something I had already given up on, something I didn’t believe in anymore… but he did. He believed in my words when I didn’t, he trusted my talent when I had lost hope, and I think that’s what touched me the most...not his attention, not his presence, but the way he saw something in me that I had stopped seeing in myself. And then three days passed like this, quietly, quickly… and then came 13th May. My birthday. A date that never really felt special to me, a date I never celebrated with that kind of excitement, and this time it felt even heavier because I had my CUET exam the same day, so the night before I was just sitting with my books, trying to study, trying to focus, but my mind was already tired. And honestly, I wasn’t expecting anything from him. Why would I? We had just met a few days ago; there was no reason for him to do anything. But then… exactly at 12 a.m., my phone buzzed, and I received a gift. And for a second, I didn’t even react. I just looked at it. And when I opened it… It was an RCB t-shirt. And I just froze. Like everything inside me paused for a second. Because oh my God… he remembered. Out of all the random things I must have said, he remembered that I love RCB. And not just that, he sent me the same t-shirt he had, so that someday, in the future, we could wear the same thing and go watch a match together… as he had already imagined a moment with me that I hadn’t even allowed myself to think about. And I don’t even remember smiling in that moment… I remember crying. Quietly. Confused. Overwhelmed. Because it wasn’t about the t-shirt, it was about the thought, the effort, the way someone in just a few days made me feel seen, remembered, considered… and I didn’t know how to react to that. It felt too much, too real, too soon… like something I wasn’t ready for but couldn’t ignore either. And I just sat there, holding that t-shirt, feeling something I couldn’t fully name… but knowing that whatever this was… it was no longer small, no longer casual… it was slowly becoming something that was finding its way into me, whether I was ready for it or not.” 

And then… somewhere in between all of this, I felt a different kind of sadness creeping in, because from the people I thought would remember… I expected wishes, something, anything… but they didn’t, and I don’t know why that hurt more that day, maybe because I was already overwhelmed, maybe because I didn’t want to feel unimportant on a day that was supposed to be mine. But he… he didn’t leave. He stayed on call with me, quietly, patiently, not forcing me to talk, not trying too hard to fix anything, just being there until he was sure that I was okay… that I wasn’t overthinking, that I could sleep without my mind running in circles. And somehow, I did. And then I woke up… not by an alarm, not by anyone else… but by his call. “Good morning… utho, revise karo… calm rehna…” his voice, again, was the first thing I heard that day. And even while I was getting ready, dressing up, trying to gather myself for the exam… he stayed. On call. Making sure I was alright, making sure I wasn’t slipping back into that anxious state. And when I finally reached my exam centre… it was strange, because instead of panic, instead of fear, instead of everything that should’ve been in my head… There was just him. Only him. His voice, his words, his presence… like he had taken over all the noise inside me without even trying.

And then after the exam, when I got back to the car, he asked me how it went, and I just said, “It was good…” like I always do, not thinking too much. But then suddenly… his face changed. It looked tired. Heavy. I asked him what happened, and he said, “12th ke results aa gaye…” and in that moment, everything shifted again. It was his result day. And my heartbeat just… increased instantly. I could feel my own nervousness, like his result was somehow affecting me too. He was opening the result site, and I was just there… watching, waiting, scared for him. And then… it didn’t go well. He didn’t get the score he wanted. He was in Haldwani at that time because of his friend’s exam centre, and on top of that, his family started scolding him. And I could see it on his face… the disappointment, the heaviness, that silent kind of hurt when you feel like you’ve let your parents down. His mood changed completely. And without even realising it… Mine did too.

I was on a video call with him the whole time. Not leaving. Not saying much. Just being there.

And somewhere in all of that…

I forgot.

I forgot it was my birthday. The day that was supposed to be about me… was suddenly about him. And the only thing I could feel was..his mood is spoiled… and somehow… so is mine.

Why, but I just this date 13-05 ( brings another level of sadness in my life) 

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