Why do we not accept things just the way they are?
Why do we have to over or under-exaggerate it?
Why do we fail to say things we want to, who are we holding back things for?
Why do I see things in a certain way and they are so wrong according to me but I still do it?
Why do I do it when I don’t want to?
What have you learned from your household? I’ll go first.
How to do things just because someone has said it who is older than you,
how to hold back your tears until the night comes,
how not to say what you really feel,
how dare you think about yourself, you can’t run away from the responsibilities we have decorated for you that you didn’t even sign up for.
How to feel guilty about yourself no matter how much effort you put in, people are mean to be together when everyone is happy, in sad times you leave each other until they're fine again, you also need to sacrifice your everything for one person just because you share the same bloodline and you can’t bring drama.
I hate the way this works or how we have become, living so near to each other but still not knowing each other.
And I’m aware of the fact I’m not the only one here, millions have the same issue but just because everyone has same or worst problems than me, doesn’t mean I can’t whine about mine.
And I don’t need any sympathy or empathy but I’m just learning to get things out of me instead of keeping everything inside as I have been taught.
This is my rebellion against the rules that have been set for me without my acknowledgment of consciousness. And I will continue to do so, I will break through rebellion because I don’t want to care about things as meaningless as our lives.
It might sound so arrogant but you know what? At least I will die in peace knowing I did what I wanted to unlike someone, and I feel sorry for them, how they never questioned anything and accepted things as they are, suffering day and night believing this is our destiny. NO, it is not, you made it your destiny.
Sometimes I wonder, how mirrored our thoughts are when we are happy and sad. Have you noticed how we say the same things but with different emotions?
What do I say when I’m extremely sad and happy?
" I would’ve never seen this day if I died that day."
Come on, don’t feel sad for me, I don’t like that stuff, this is so beautiful in many ways which spark curiosity in me.
It is truly a contradiction in life, as it creates confusion, maybe confusion, intentionally or unintentionally, is keeping me from killing myself.
You know I have this bad habit of testing people around me about myself. Why do I do this?
Think of it like this, you are a scientist and you had a breakthrough invention but before showing it directly to the world, you try it in private if it works or not.
Still don’t get it? Come on, I hate explaining myself but now I will over-explain it because I have issues.
What if I was really that kind of person who takes decisions on foundation of other's opinion or what they think is right?
What if I was that person and never used my brain for myself and when I went to the person I trust the most and give my important work's destiny to them and they tell me to do something which I don’t agree with or deep down doesn’t want it but because I’m that kind of person I will accept that for the rest of my life as if my true self never existed.
What if I did things people around me told me to do so, maybe I wouldn’t be the person I’m today, now I don’t know if that is a bad thing or a good thing.
Maybe it would’ve been easy to walk in a herd of sheep and never question anything and have the simplest form of mind process.
Maybe it would’ve been easy because dancing to the march of your own drum sounds magnificent, but is exhausting, it is not for everyone I guess.
I think no matter how much you know, love, or care for a person, nobody knows you better than yourself, no one is going to think about you the way you will.
I get your point they love you and can never think worst for you but babe, trust me, they can.
Only you know what is best for you, no other.
I know it is so uncomfortable to even read it because that’s been made illegal to even think about.
"A life lived for others is a life worth living".
This makes me laugh, whoever wrote this is rotting in hell. It’s not wrong but it is just incomplete,
"A life lived for yourself, by yourself, with yourself, and then raining your love upon others, is the life worth living for."
I know I sound magnificently, an overly sadistic person but trust me, I’m the most cheerful person you’ll ever meet.
Remember the bad habit of mine I told you about? the small experiments I do, might sound stupid but they transform me forever.
Now, I can’t tell people the truth about them, when they ask me about their work, I just can’t.
I can’t tell them oh god! that is awful you should give up you can never do that. I say instead, oh my god! You’ve done this? are you kidding me, you are a walking genius please don’t you ever give up this is so talented I can never do this.
I love to see their little hyped-up faces and cute denial like, "no it is not that good", and I push them "it is, shut up".
I think that is the most innocent human face ever, like they have never heard this about themself or their work or someone said something otherwise and they nearly gave up.
Critics play their defense with, "it should not be a shame to tell people the truth which is good for them".
I play my defense saying, "who gives a damn about truth".
You don’t know at what stage the work is and nobody wants the entire world to believe in them, but only few or even single human saying something good about the work, can literally change that person’s perception toward themselves.
Do u ever notice how mean we are to ourselves, always blabbering the meanest things in the back of our head?
"You are worthless, this is piece of garbage, you are nothing, you can do nothing, you are not good at anything, look everybody's laughing at you, you did this to yourself, look they said you are bad at it, don’t you dare ever try this again."
Then why do we assume it’s just us saying the meanest things to ourselves and not everyone around us experiencing the same demoralization?
Imagine in all that chaos of blabbering someone hearing, "omg I’ve never seen such thing you’ve made this? this is awesome, I would love to see more of your work".
Their mind would go blank, because that is not what their blabbering brain was expecting.
Wait, they said they liked it? I don’t believe it, maybe I’m not that bad at this, I think it is no harm giving it another try and keep doing this.
But we choose to let that person question their existence, the level of ignorance we have come to. And who gives a damn about a single piece of art or work, it would cost me nothing making someone believe in themself.
Sometimes I think about changing my career, just to be clear I love my career and what I chose to do. But,
What if I was a rich writer who writes one piece a month or an year and the writing world goes insane about it.
What if I was that cheap therapist affordable by all who tell young kids and adults it is okay.
What if I was that cinematic actor who leaves audience with goosebumps with their enigmatic performance.
What if I was that street singer who sings for love but has limited money.
What if I was that astronaut who discovers the most magical creature out in the deep space but keeps it to themself for the creature’s safety and harmony.
What if I was that protector in the woods who keeps peace between wildlife and human’s greed.
What if I was that prostitute who listens to your broken heart after sex.
What if I was that nihilist philosopher who gave the world a new term each month and tell them how worthless and meaningless everything they are doing is.
What if I was that tattoo artist who instead of asking you, spends time with you understanding you and then draws your deepest desire, and doesn’t charge anything on people coming up for covering their scars with tattoo.
What if I was that designer who told every customer how beautiful they are just the way they.
It doesn’t matter anyways, I still would’ve been at my computer at night writing this, because this world operates on such bad terms that it forces you to become a writer, especially if you are a free soul.