Have you ever looked at someone who was smiling and wondered if they were okay? Sometimes, we smile because we are happy.

And sometimes, we smile because we don't know what else to do.

For a long time, I was that girl.

I smiled when I felt uncomfortable. I laughed even when I didn't really feel like laughing. I stayed quiet even when there were so many thoughts running through my mind.

From the outside, I probably looked like a normal girl. But inside, I was slowly trying to understand myself, my feelings, my fears, and the people around me.

This isn't the story of a perfect girl.

I am not perfect. I never had everything figured out.

This is simply my story.

The story of a girl who sometimes felt alone, who struggled to express herself, who went through difficult phases, and who is still learning how to become the person she wants to be.

The Girl I Was — Ages 6 to 12

When I think about my childhood, I remember a girl who loved dancing.

I also liked acting, singing, and drawing. I enjoyed doing things that allowed me to express myself, even though I wasn't always confident enough to show that side of me to everyone.

Studies were another part of my life. I wasn't the topper of my class. I was more of an average student. I tried to study and do well, but I was never the person who always came first.

Then there were friends.

And honestly, making friends wasn't always easy for me.

I wasn't very good at mingling with everyone. While some children could easily walk up to someone, start talking, and become friends, I was usually quiet.

I preferred listening and watching rather than speaking.

Because of that, there were times when I felt alone.

I had so many thoughts in my head, but I didn't really know how to share them. I wasn't someone who could easily walk up to people and start a conversation.

One thing my teachers noticed about me was that I was obedient.

At that age, I didn't really understand why I was so quiet.

I simply thought, maybe this is just how I am.

I was just a little girl growing up, enjoying the things I loved and slowly learning about the world.

I didn't know then that the things I was feeling would become a much bigger part of my life later.

The Years That Changed Me — Ages 13 to 17

When I look back at the years from thirteen to seventeen, I realise how much they changed me. A lot was happening around me, and I was changing too.

Then COVID happened.

School moved online, and suddenly everything felt different. I was spending most of my time at home.

In some ways, I felt more comfortable there. I didn't have to constantly think about how I was behaving around other people or whether I was saying the right thing.

But being at home didn't mean everything was okay.

Many things were going on inside my mind that I didn't know how to explain. Then came Class 10 and the board exams.

For many students, board exams were just another important exam.

For me, they felt much bigger.

I felt like my marks would decide what I could become in the future.

I kept thinking about my decisions. I questioned myself a lot. Sometimes, I didn't even understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling.

And whenever I was around people, I didn't always know how to show them the real me. So, I did something I had become very good at.

I smiled.

I laughed.

I acted like everything was fine.

Even when it wasn't.

That smile became my way of hiding things.

As my board exams got closer, I became more scared and stressed.

During that time, I started chanting.

I would chant “Om Namah Shivaya” and “Om Namo Narayana.” Sometimes, I repeated them.

I can't completely explain what it did for me, but somehow, chanting gave me peace. Whenever I felt scared or didn't know what to do, I would go back to those words. They gave me something to hold on to.

Then finally, my Class 10 results came.

I passed with 75.6%.

I was especially surprised by my Mathematics marks because Mathematics had always scared me. Standard Mathematics had felt extremely difficult for me.

When I saw my marks, the first thing I said was:

“Thank you, God.”

I knew the difficult phase wasn't completely over, but at least I could breathe a little.

During the vacation, I started going to yoga classes. I also started meditating and reading books.

I wasn't suddenly completely fine.

I was simply trying to keep my mind busy and feel a little better.

Slowly, I started improving.

Maybe I was only around 50% better.

But honestly, at that point, even 50% felt like a lot.

Class 11

Then Class 11 started.

Everything became more serious because I was preparing for entrance exams like KCET and COMEDK.

For some time, I was happy.

I had my friends around me, and I continued chanting the same mantras that had helped me before.

I also started working harder in my studies.

Eventually, I scored 78%.

It was better than my previous result, so I felt happy that I had improved. For a while, I thought maybe things were finally getting better.

But then the difficult phase came back.

This time, I felt even more overwhelmed.

I cried often.

I struggled with my thoughts and emotions, and sometimes I felt like I wasn't really in control of myself.

There were days when I felt like I was losing myself.

I didn't know what I was supposed to do next.

I was waiting for the results and simply trying to get through each day. Then the results came.

And I was disappointed.

It wasn't what I had hoped for.

For some time, I felt really bad about it.

But later, I started thinking about everything that had happened before that moment. And I was something.

I had made it through.

I had gone through fear, loneliness, confusion, pressure, and disappointment. And somehow, I was still here.

Maybe I didn't get the result I wanted.

Maybe things didn't happen the way I had imagined.

But I survived that phase.

And that taught me something important:

Sometimes, simply getting through something difficult is also an achievement. The Girl I Am Becoming — Ages 18–19

After all those years, I started noticing something different in myself. It wasn't a sudden change.

It happened slowly.

One of the biggest changes began when I got into engineering college nearby, by God's grace.

I knew college would bring a lot of changes. I had seen many hostel students struggle to adjust to a completely new environment and to living away from their families.

But when I first stepped into college, I actually felt excited.

I had this strange feeling that something was about to change in my life. Before college started, I spent more than two months at home during the holidays. Those two months became really important to me.

I started talking to my parents more.

I started sharing things with them instead of keeping everything inside.

Slowly, I felt like many of the problems I had been carrying for so long were becoming lighter.

At one point, I felt like almost 80% of those problems were fading away. Then college started.

And I met some really good friends.

They supported me throughout the year, and because of them, I slowly became more comfortable.

I laughed more.

I tried new things.

I started talking to people more.

I became the class representative of my section.

I joined clubs.

I participated in events.

I started doing things that I probably wouldn't have had the confidence to do before. And slowly, I realised that I was changing.

Not into a completely different person.

I was simply becoming more comfortable being myself.

Another important thing I came back to was dancing.

Dance had always been close to my heart.

I joined both Bharatanatyam and Kathak.

For me, dance isn't just about learning steps or performing on stage. It gives me a way to express things that I sometimes can't say with words. After everything I had gone through, being able to dance again felt really special. When I look back at my life now, I don't think the little girl I was has disappeared. She is still a part of me.

The teenager who struggled is also still a part of me.

And I don't want to forget those versions of myself.

They helped me become who I am today.

Every difficult experience taught me something.

Every failure made me learn.

Every person who supported me helped me grow up.

And every time I thought I couldn't continue, somehow, I continued.

I am about to turn twenty within the next six months.

I know I still have a lot to learn.

There are still so many things I want to experience.

There are still so many things I want to achieve.

And honestly, I don't have everything figured out.

But now, I don't think I need to.

I'm learning that growing up isn't about becoming perfect.

It's about understanding yourself a little better.

It's about accepting who you are.

And it's about becoming comfortable enough to be yourself.

I am still learning.

I am still changing.

And every day, I feel like I am getting a little closer to the person I want to become. This isn't the end of my story.

It's only the beginning.

To Be Continued...

There is still another part of my story that I want to share.

The next chapter is about one of the most challenging experiences I have gone through.

It tested me in a way I never expected.

It changed the way I looked at many things.

And it taught me lessons that I will never forget.

I will share that story in the next part.

And to everyone who has taken the time to read my story, thank you.

Thank you for spending your time reading my memories and getting to know a small part of my journey.

Maybe my story isn't extraordinary.

Maybe it is simply the story of an ordinary girl trying to figure out life. But it is my story.

And if someone reading this sees even a small part of themselves in my story, then maybe sharing it was worth it.

I hope that girl keeps going.

I hope she keeps growing.

And most importantly, I hope she remembers that her story isn't over yet. There is always another chapter.

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