The Life She Was Never Allowed to Choose

Meena, at the age of 24, fell in love for the first time. It was not one of those kinds of love stories. No songs, no great promises, no secret meetings under the moon. It started softly with chitchat, smiles and someone who understood her. His name was Arun. He supported her dreams, listened to her, and didn't seek to control her. That was sufficient for Meena to think that maybe she had found the one with whom she could make her life. However, there was one issue. They are different castes. It was when Meena finally dared to tell her parents that the smile left their faces. They never asked if Arun was good. They didn't ask him if he respected their daughter. They did not question whether they shared a happy life. All they asked was one thing. What is his "caste"? From this time, the world was forever altered. Her parents disapproved of the relationship. Then relatives got into the fray, giving the tips that she didn't seek. They informed her that love is lost in marriage, but the caste would not change. They would say that she would shame the family. Meena cried, argued, pleaded and waited. But nothing changed. After a while, her father and mother had her married into their caste. Though Meena was not in favour of marriage, she was fed up with the conflict with everyone around her. She told herself that maybe after marriage life would be normal. She did her best for the first several months. She would smile when people expected her to smile. She cooked, fixed up, went to family functions, and attempted to be the type of wife that everyone wanted her to be. Yet there was something in her that didn't work. Two years passed. Then three. There were no children. Slowly, the atmosphere in the house changed. But Fate was now being blamed on Meena. Questions became accusations. Silence became punishment. One day her husband told her that he wanted a divorce. No big argument arose. No dramatic ending. It was merely a choice that took away the life she was obliged to take. Meena went back to her father and mother's house. However, she was not going to have a second opportunity. Those who demanded her marriage within the caste had no words to say. No one ever mentioned another wedding. No one had assumed the responsibility for the choice they had made for her. Years passed. Meena lost her ability to get people to really understand her. She got a little job and went home in silence, ate her dinner by herself and went to sleep. When she entered the room, the conversations were interrupted at family functions. There was some pity in their eyes. Still others refused to speak to her. Meena was already 35 years old when she discovered how to live without getting anyone's consent. She was not a girl one day who thought marriage was life's goal. She was a woman who knew that sometimes it's not losing the person you love. Because others didn't let you choose, it's losing you. Her life continued. Quietly. Alone. But each morning she would get up, open the curtains and let the sun shine in her room. Maybe this was her little win. They had been taking away the life that she had desired. They could not remove her right to go on living.

The Question They Asked Too Late

Education has always been Anitha's priority to transform the life of a person. Her family was not rich, but their parents had faith in their daughter. She wanted to go on to higher education, and they supported her. It wasn't everyone's cup of tea. Some relatives laughed. Why is a girl required to be so well educated? “After all, she is going to have to get married”. No use spending money on her schoolwork. Her parents heard all this. But they went on to support Anitha. She graduated and then fell in love with Karthik, a man. He was from another caste, but educated, well settled and treated Anitha with respect, most importantly. He was also warmly welcomed by his family. When Karthik's family came to Anitha's house to discuss marriage, both families were happy. Anitha, for the first time in her life, felt everything in her life was taking the right shape. Then the Relatives came to know. It was an almost instant transformation of happiness. Phone calls started. Arguments followed. Her Relatives were told that if they married in an inter-caste marriage, they would not be considered family. “Take our choice or take the other marriage.” It simply could not get any more intense. Anitha had been targeted as well. Others criticised her verbally in front of her. Some things they said about her were rumours about her character. All conversations turned out to be an effort to scare her. Her parents were trying to keep her safe, but the pressure gradually began to take its toll on the whole family. Anitha's emotions were drained. The girl who had longed to go to college, to get married, and to have a normal life found herself in a life that was being dictated to her by everyone except herself. The family was suddenly, a day later, shocked by terrible news. Anitha was dead. Her parents were devastated. Their daughter's voice was no longer heard in the house. Years passed. After some time, one day, the same family members who had threatened to cut off their relations with Anitha's family sent an invitation. This was a wedding invitation. The parents went. They went into the wedding hall and stopped. It was the same family members who had been adamant against Anitha's cross-caste marriage who were pushing for the same type of marriage for their daughter. Anitha's father was hardly able to speak. He finally asked, You told us that caste was the most important thing when our daughter loved someone of a different caste. How is it different now? The man quietly answered, Those were the old days; who cares about caste these days? My daughter is in love with him; his family is very rich. Why not let her? Then I would be the loser if I did. Anitha's father stood silently. He glanced at the wedding flowers. He had seen all the joyful families. Then he thought of his daughter. The same reason that would have been good for someone else's daughter was once thought to be bad for his. He was accompanied by his wife, who had a picture of Anitha with her. They were both too weak to argue. They simply cried. Not with the intention of revenge. Not because they did not wish for the wedding to be a success. They cried about their daughter.

Love Was Not Enough

Rahul had never thought that his love story would be simple. He was from a certain caste, and the girl he loved, Priya, was from another caste. He informed his parents, and he was ready for a discussion. His father, however, came as a shock to him. If both of you are ready and able to accept the responsibility, then we will support you. In addition, Priya's family went along with the relationship. The wedding was a joyous one. They got married and served as a role model for all around them. Two families now joined together. Rahul was in love, in the sense that he thought if there was love and understanding, everything would work. It did for several years. However, little by little, Priya began to change. Rahul at first believed that she was just stressed. But the arguments began to occur more often. Spares turned into quarrels. Another minor issue escalated to a big fight. During arguments, Priya insulted him. Words lingered in his mind after the battle. Rahul tried to be patient. He recalled the pledges they had given each other before their wedding. He believed that the times would get better. They didn't. The verbal abuse became worse. Her anger would sometimes turn to physicality. Rahul was shocked. He didn't know that he would get hurt by the one he loved. He continually searched his conscience and wondered what he had done wrong. He tried to speak to her. He offered to give her some distance. He attempted to engage their families. Each time it ended in another argument, though. It was hard for people around them to comprehend. This is an outdated concept that your families were okay with an intercaste marriage; you should accept it as well. Soon, it hit Rahul like a slap in the face. Just because an intercaste marriage is accepted does not mean the marriage will be healthy. Love is important. However, love without respect can be painful. Two people cannot marry just because they fought society to be together. They also need to know how to deal with each other when society is no longer there. Rahul continued to have feelings towards Priya. Just taking care of someone didn't mean he had to take being hurt. One evening, after another angry discussion, he sat alone, reflecting upon the person he was before he chose to marry. He was afraid to talk. Afraid to disagree. Frightened to return home. He knew he had been so busy trying to save the marriage that he had neglected to take care of himself. They did not have the happy ending Rahul had hoped for in his romantic tales. It was a pretty imperfect ending. However, there was a lesson. Many people often struggle against the caste barriers and social opposition arising in the name of love. That battle may be significant. However, upon marriage, another responsibility starts. Respect. Communication. Kindness. Equality. Love has the power to unite two people. However, they can only maintain their friendship through mutual respect. Rahul had been a victim of that. He didn't think that marriage was successful because two people loved each other. He now thought there was more to it than that: “Love should never be used to cause harm to the one whom you love”

The Promise She Refused

Divya always wanted to study! From her childhood, she dreamed of getting an education and creating her own profession. Her parents were aware of her ambition and so were her parents. But a promise had been made long ago in the family. While Divya was still a little girl, the elders had agreed that she would marry her aunt's son when she grew up. He was 10 years older than her. No one asked Divya what she wanted. It was just decided. The relatives would say that upon finishing her MSc, they would arrange the marriage. Those words were in her ears since her youth. But as she became older, her dreams changed. She wanted to continue her education. She wanted to have a career. She was looking to find out what she could be before she became someone's wife. Her father was a complete supporter of her. Divya completed her MSc. The relatives came back with a promise, the same as the old one, as soon as the degree was finished. “So there is no need to put off the marriage any longer.” Divya finally spoke. “No, do not want to get married to him.” There was an instant reaction. Her family members were in a rage. They reminded her of a promise that was given years ago. After she educated herself, she was accused of being transformed. Others claimed that she was made arrogant by education. The man she was supposed to marry put his own pressure on her. Rather than do right by her, he and some of his family started disparaging her. Rumours began to circulate within the family and among Divya's friends of Divya. They were asking questions about her personality. She was mistaken in her aspirations. They labelled her rejection as a disgrace. Her family was gradually pushed out. Invitations stopped coming. There was awkwardness in the family gatherings. Once, regular callers to their house stopped. Divya pondered for some time if she had done something wrong. Her father reminded her, “You didn't do anything wrong for picking yourself.” Her strength was in those words. Settling for such a judgment, Divya figured that she could live by her own values if they were going to judge her. She continued studying. Years passed. Each challenge made the girl who had been bullied stronger and more determined to pursue her dreams. She studied for competitive exams. There were failures. Sometimes she cried at night. She had times when she thought she'd had enough. But she continued. One morning, it was all out in the open. Divya had become an IAS officer. Her father read it several times and still didn't believe it. Now the family who were once called 'stubborn' couldn't say a single word. The girl whom they wanted to define by marriage had defined herself by her own work. She didn't need to take revenge. It was enough that she succeeded. She knew something she just couldn't forget. She chose a guy who was good for her.

The Promise We Made to Ourselves

When Arjun met Kavya, neither of them had made any noteworthy achievements. They were just two youths with dreams. For hours they conversed about what would happen in the future. They desired good careers. They wished to be self-supporting financially. They wanted to make their parents happy. Above all, they wanted to spend time together. One night, they promised each other. “Not for love will we give up our dreams”. So they chose to first establish their lives before talking to their families about marriage. It was a tough time. Arjun did not pass an important test. Kavya had a problem with her studies. At times, both of them had doubts about their future. They were never stopped from encouraging one another, however. After giving it some thought, Arjun reminded Kavya of her ability to quit. When Arjun failed, Kavya told him that it was not a failure in his life. They did not compete with each other. They grew together. Years passed. Eventually, both were able to accomplish what they had been talking about. It was not until after they had told their families about their relationship that they were ready to share their story. They expected resistance. Rather, something good occurred. Their parents listened. They asked questions. They became acquainted. And finally, both families said yes. No drama or fight. No separation. No pressure. There was no choice involved in family and love. The marriage was an uncomplicated, happy occasion. They both supported each other after marriage. They marked promotions, birthdays and other little successes. They had to endure challenging days as well. There were financial problems. There were misunderstandings. There were challenging times when it became too much. However, when one person was suffering, the other was not his enemy. They joined forces together. Years later, someone came to ask Kavya, What do you think is the secret to a successful marriage? She smiled. “Before we made our vows to marry, we vowed to be better people,” Arjun added. “And we didn't ask the other person to give up their dreams.” Their relationship was not in perfect harmony. No relationship is. But they knew that love was more than just the words “I love you.” It was also a moment when someone said: “I believe in you.” “Take your time.” “Try again.” “Congratulations to you.” Your dream is my dream.” Beauty wasn't a result of everything being easy. It became beautiful because they loved one another, without becoming lost in the other. So they had made a promise when young. To love each other. To respect others. To achieve their objectives and to create a life together. Years later, they realised that they had made all of their promises.

6. The Dream

At the age of twenty-two years, Lakshmi got into an arranged marriage. She never thought that she would get married at such a young age. However, her family felt it was the right time. She got married to a guy called Suresh. From early in their childhood, they had to deal with the responsibilities of building a family. Two children were born. Life became busy. There was school and things to do at home, familial obligations and countless ordinary days that seemed to pass without notice. Lakshmi cared for her family. There was one other dream, though, in her that she could not extinguish. She wanted to do a PhD. This was no new dream. She had been carrying it since her school days. She stored it away for years. One night, when the children were somewhat older, she confided in her husband. I want to study for a PhD. Suresh took a glance at her. He was well aware it was not an impulsive idea. He knew she'd been reading research papers late at night. He had seen her excitement about topics of science and research. He asked, “Do you really want to do this?” Lakshmi nodded. “Yes, I would not want to grow old and realise what I might have done if I had tried.” Suresh supported her. It was by no means a simple one. For Lakshmi, there was a need to juggle her family and research life. Sometimes she would have to get the kids ready for school before going off to do research. She would come home exhausted one evening and still have work to do. Some experiments didn't work out. Sometimes, there were days when results were not there. She sometimes wondered if she had bitten off more than she could chew. But she continued. Her husband assisted in any way that he could. Her children began to realise that their mother had a goal she was striving for. Five years passed. One day, a day when Lakshmi was wearing her Doctoral gown, she stood in one of the halls of the university. Her name was called. She was a PhD holder. She just stood there for a few seconds. She recalled the young woman in her twenties who was marrying for a purpose which she had yet to achieve. She recalled the mother who had delayed her dreams. They were the nights she felt exhausted, she recalled. And then she smiled. Her husband and kids were sitting in the audience. These were the people who were clapping for her. However, Lakshmi realised that the degree was more than just an academic achievement. It was a dream she had not yet given up on. Now she was married and had different duties. Motherhood had changed her priorities. But they had not wiped away her identity. Her doctoral degree did not mean she left the family for education. It was evidence that she had managed to go after both. As she held the doctoral certificate, she was considering all of the women who had once told themselves, Maybe later. Lakshmi wished they would remember something. Life doesn't necessarily have to get in the way of dreams. At times they just wait. If you're a brave one to go back to them, they might be waiting for you!

Person, people, society are the problem – not the word called “ Love marriage”, “Arrange Marriage”, “Inter-caste Marriage”

“All Same Caste Married Couples Are Not Live Happily,
All Inter - Caste Married Couples Are Not Live Badly”
As same as
“All Love-Married Couples Do Not Live Happily,
All Married Couples Do Not Live Badly”

.    .    .