We have often heard the saying that, 'Blood is thicker than water.'
Why is it so? Have you ever tried to reflect upon this saying. Why do blood relationships always enjoy pre-dominance over any other sort of relationships?
Although, the significance of blood relationships over all other relationships can be established. But that's going to increase the length and width of the article as society is a web of social relationships. Hence, I will try to draw a distinction of blood relationships with step-relationships. The cause for me choosing 'step-relationships' for this article is also because as I want to highlight on the issue as to why step-relationships are not appreciated well in society and how they can help themselves in a situation of accomodation in the kinship structure of the society.
Step-relationships originate in society or come into existence when instances of death, divorce or emotional negligence come to take roots in the consanguineous kinship. Step-relationships should not always be perceived with a negative bias. Not all of them are bad.
First, we shall proceed discussing the causes or behaviours in the development of step-relationship.
The members of the homogenous kinship pattern are reluctant when it comes to the acceptance of any step-family member. People already have negative apprehensions attached with the new person. The new comer in the family should try to earn a position for himself or herself instead of attempting to snatch the existing position of the one who left. We should always remember that,
'Rights are earned. Rights are not something you can ask for.'
When it comes to step-relationships, the original family should also take some steps ahead in accepting the newcomer. Sometimes, it has been seen that the person is genuinely taking steps to form a new bond but seeing the indifferent behaviour of the family one has joined, the person gets alienated.
Sometimes people marry very early after their divorce or the death of their spouse. In such cases, the family where the loss has occurred gets highly traumatised. Seeing a new person taking over their kin's position in the structure hurts them for both momentary and permanent stance. It's absolutely normal to feel this way. For it's said that even when we wear a new shoe causes a shoe-bite. And relationships are a much more complex matter. We just can't boil them. We need to let them grow on a medium flame. Lukewarm responses shouldn't be ignored rather should be taken as a stepping stone for the development of a new relationship.
Sometimes people are seen to entirely cut-off themselves from their exes. It's a highly toxic behaviour. A break-up simply means drifting apart. It shouldn't be equated with permanent hatred for one another.
It is normal for a step-relative to lose calm or control when the person has undergone several attempts of appeasing the new family. Still, there the actual examination begins. If you are ready to survive for the relationship, you will work hard to save it either. You will not devastate it completely.
In some instances, the step-relative is found to be back-bitching about others and undeniably it's a very wrong habit. Still, try giving such people some space and time. The original family shouldn't transform immediately seeing the wrong takes of the relative. Sometimes, the goodness of one can win over the indifference or misunderstandings of step relatives. Step-relatives are found to be the most accused as well. Here a single thing that goes haywire and the blame for all that is entirely pinned on that person. Why can't we all accept that we are just simply flawed human beings. Neither an original relative nor a step-relative can guarantee that they are purely glossed from all sorts of thinking, behaviour and acting pattern. We can't impose our models entirely on them and we shouldn't either. Let everybody grow at their own pace. Gradually, they will learn to work and will appreciate the changes in themselves.
In my opinion, step-relatives are somewhere already seen as the 'criminals' in the story. A negative value and theme has been existing in society over ages. Howard Becker, a sociologist remarks on the consequences of the labeling behaviour of the society. When a label is attached with a figure, the person comes to start identifying himself with it. Now we can ascertain that it is the step-relative or the faulty social structure that's responsible for such dramatic change in relationships.
We should remember that with the change of person, the definition and equation of relationship also changes. Change is the universal law of nature. Isn't it foolishness on our part to expect the same degree of relationship attachment with the step-relative as it used to be with the consanguineous relative? Absolutely, it is. There is no single person fault in this scenario. It is largely the entire community responsible for keeping such baseless expectations.
Step-relatives initially attempt to work with the relationship but with prolonged exclusion from that 'we-feeling' sets them apart. There are much constraints levied by the society relating to the powers and responsibilities with such relatives. They are not well accomodated or adjusted in the familial set-up. Inclusiveness is out of discussion. People have set standards that step-relatives and consanguineous relatives are mutually exclusive things. One shouldn't barge in the space of other. Loss of communication leads to the triggering of misunderstandings. These misunderstandings work to kill the entire relationship from it's base. The entire super-structure is seen to be demolished. Instead, we should just start caring for each other without any expectations or self-interest. Both of the groups must enjoy the process without worrying about the outcomes. This trend change shall help in causing paradigm shift in the values of the society.
Step-relatives when they come to take place of a former relationship should deal very delicately. As it's said, a thing that doesn't belongs to ourselves is the most preserved and maintained as long as it is in our custody. This notion with immaterial objects finds its relevance in the relationships of the present era too. We should develop a generalized and a value-free image when it comes to the management or the institution of taking-over by the step-relatives.
The terminology itself has a negative connotation attached with it. The word 'step' consumes itself. The name attached with a relationship is also responsible to some extent for the feelings that infiltrate out of it. We forget that the step-relative before being into such a relationship is an individual first and individual is different in his or her manner.
There is nothing called black or white. There are neither entirely good people or bad people. People are just grey characters in this drama of life. There are either blood relatives or step-relatives. That's not the end of story. The spectrum is not always extreme. In this broadspace of spectrum, there are some definitions of intermediary feelings and relationships. Something which can't be defined properly or is yet to be defined. But it exists. It's a beautiful or ugly creation that entirely depends on the manner in which we have acted on the social recipe. Relationships are such a beautiful creation. It is a result of the constant day in and day out toil of we as people working, caring and accommodating with the other person.
We fail to understand that if we continue drawing a distinction between a consanguineous and step-relations, we are just enlarging the gap. Just as we remain rooted with our original relatives and become indifferent with step-relatives. Similarly, step-relatives are 'step' in the definition of a particular family. They also have their own families which they have left behind to join one especially in the cases of females owing to the patrilocal residential norms in the society. If we are going to show indifference to them, they will seek out affection from somewhere else. They will remain rooted in their primary kin's and social relationships. With this behavioural change on the part of social relatives, they are criticised by their new family members. This clearly reflects the double standards of the society. Initially, they are not ready to share any bond with the other person. After failed hopes, when the step-relative turns towards their own family members in the search for that affection, they are met out with accusations and allegations of breaking the new family in a conspiracy with his or her own family relatives.
The situation turns from bad to worse where the step-relatives don't have anyone of their own whom they can actually approach. Closure of both the ends with bleak chances of recognition from the new family actually makes them all alone. In such situation, they start to feel that no body cares for them. The society has actually made no respectful position for them. In such situations, they deviate from the normal set of rules. Some even suffer from suicidal feeling as they always feel vacant in the life of their better-half. Things concerning children become a discussion-less topic where the new-comer falls completely oblivious all about. They want to help the other one but they are neither well-received by their spouse or the children of the spouse out of their previous relationship.
In case, a step-relatives becomes a father or a mother of their own biological children. Society starts to accuse them of reflecting a biasness in behaviour in regard to their own children and the children of others. But it isn't always the case. Sometimes, the step-parent actually works equally for both his child and the children out of the previous relationship. But this constant nagging from people to somehow makes them believe in the fact that no matter how much pains they take in upholding a relationship, they are bound to be accused in all possible circumstances. In such situations, a person starts to discontinue his efforts as he or she knows that their working or not working is not at all counted. The fingers shall persistently be pointed towards them. So no matter they do good or bad, it's moreover the same. Step-relations are just similar to those sandy castles made on the beaches which can blow away completely even at the slightest stroke of wind. These are all hollow relationships. And the sad part is that no body actually works to fill this hollowness with feelings of love and affection and that's how the entire relationships gets eaten away. Thus, the web of relationships created by the society is destroyed by itself. It's crazy to note that for society, a step-relationship in a negative role is 'normal' but examples of some good bondings in step relationships are actually viewed as deviations In my opinion, the usage of deviance is primarily irrelevant and misplaced. Correction of the same is much required for the development of new frameworks in the society.
Nonetheless, step-relationships and normalizing them simply as 'relations' is going to go a long way. Society needs to transform radically. In my opinion, step-relatives instead of actually looking out for love or affection should seek out 'respect' for themselves. It is said that love can blind our reasoning power for a while but it's that feeling of respect that continues to serve as the beacon-light. We shouldn't be always blind to every good step or deed of a step relative rather it should be appraised. Similarly, any shrewdness or bandit behaviour on the part of the step relative shouldn't be ignored either. Critical analysis, character assasination or maligning the image of a person is ethically wrong as per norms of individual harmony and integrity. Before raising fingers on anyone, we shall analyse ourselves first. More focus should be invested in ourselves rather than shining light on the flaws of the other person.
Thus, relationships are like that expensive vase which needs to be handled carefully at all times. Slight recklessness or negligence can lead to disastrous outcomes as all it takes is just few moments for a relationship to split apart. The soul withers away and the body is anytime in a condition of crumbling and eventually the cremation. The death of a relationship is actually not the death of a relation but is the death of each and everything that could have been saved apart. To conclude, the word 'step' in step-relationships should not convey a negative emotion to you rather it should light a flame of hope in you as 'step' can also mean 'moving forward'. Let's break these chains or shackles of non-logical thinking pattern and shall board the society on a train of progress and development.