Emotional Intelligence: When Heart Speaks and Mind Listens

Introduction

“My feelings are too loud for words and too shy for the world.” ⁠ - Dejan Stojanovic

The very presence of emotions is what makes us truly alive. The dead doesn’t feel, the living does. It is said that life is a gift, but oftentimes it is added that life is full of suffering as if saying that we live to suffer. In pursuit of a good life, we live by chasing happiness and avoiding sadness but “happiness is a butterfly try to chase it and it escapes every time.”

We relate happiness with success. We praise the person who is successful. Success is often described in materialistic terms like having a family, prestige, a big house, a car, a well-paying job so on and so forth. But, who becomes successful? A lot of people would say a hardworking and intelligent person will become successful. Of course, there is no substitute for hard work but what kind of intelligence? There are many types of intelligence but the most glorified one is academic intelligence which is also called ‘cognitive intelligence’. But, scholars say that academic intelligence is neither enough nor an accurate predictor of success, it is emotional intelligence.

History of Emotional Intelligence

It was way back in the early twentieth century when Edward Thorndike came up with his conception of ‘social intelligence’. He defined it as “The ability to understand and manage men and women and boys and girls, to act wisely in human relations.” Scholars ruminated over this and over the prospects of discovering different kinds of intelligence other than cognitive intelligence. In 1983, Howard Gardner, a Harvard psychologist, described eight kinds of intelligence in his book ‘Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences’ wherein he mentioned ‘intrapersonal intelligence’ and ‘interpersonal intelligence’. While intrapersonal intelligence is about being aware of one’s own emotions and motivations, interpersonal intelligence is about being good at assessing the emotions and motivations of others. In the 1990s, John D Mayer and Peter Salovey coined the term ‘Emotional Intelligence’ for the first time. They defined emotional intelligence as “a form of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and other’s feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.” They gave three components of Emotional Intelligence- Emotional Perception, Emotional Regulation, and Emotion Knowledge. In 1995, Daniel Goleman, another trained Harvard psychologist, won widespread recognition for his book ‘Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ’. He defined emotional intelligence as,

“The capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves and managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationship”

Goleman’s Five Attributes of Emotional Intelligence

Daniel Goleman has described five attributes of Emotional Intelligence. They are as follows:

Self-Awareness:

Goleman has quoted John D. Mayer's definition of self-awareness. It reads that self-awareness is being “aware of both our mood and our thoughts on that mood.” Although emotions are temporary and are ever-changing just like weather still our emotions are ‘pieces of information’ that tells us a lot about ourselves and therefore they are worth paying attention to. It is by observing are emotions that we can identify our emotional triggers which is very important for setting boundaries with others and also realising when you may be behaving irrationally quickly. For example, in a conversation with a friend, you may realise that you get uncomfortable every time he starts asking you about your financial matters and when he starts giving you unsolicited advices on them you get angry and he gets upset. There you realise it not that you don’t value the opinions of you friend or his concern, you get triggered with such conversation. A person who has good self-awareness is a better judge of himself and evaluates his strength and weaknesses more accurately. Self-awareness is knowing that it is perfectly okay to feel.

In order to increase our self-awareness, we can practise mindful meditation and keep a daily journal. We can ask ourselves questions such as:

How frequently do I feel this emotion?
How strongly do I feel this emotion?
What physical sensations are accompanied by this emotion? (When we are very sad, we feel sensation in chest; when we feel angry, we feel hotter due to increased blood flow in the muscles; when we are nervous, we may feel a weird sensation in our stomach)

Self-Regulation:

Our behaviour is guided by our ‘practical reasoning and ‘emotions.’ Goleman uses the term ‘Emotional hijacking’ to describe how our reasoning power often gets hijacked by our emotions and we end up acting impulsively. All emotions are valid, however, the intensity of our behavioural response ought to be well proportioned to the circumstance to be considered logical and appropriate. Since, our responses always hold some consequence, in order to avoid unwanted consequences, we must not only be aware of our emotions but also learn to self-regulate or self-manage them.

“Anyone can become angry-that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way—this is not easy.” - Aristotle

The question that we must reflect on is how we deal with our emotions. What are our stress coping mechanisms and how is our anger management? The goal is to find healthier ways pd dealing with them. For example, instead of binge-watching Netflix you talk to you friend about how stressed you are about the upcoming exams. When you were angry with a friend, you withheld your tongue and didn’t say hurtful things because deep down you know you care for them. Meditation is recommended to build self-regulation.

Social Awareness:

While self-awareness is centered around you, how you feel, what you value, and what your goals are. Social awareness is how aware you are about the feelings of people around you, their values, beliefs, goals, and motivations. It is also being vigilant of social norms and ethical and moral codes of conduct. An emotionally intelligent person would use his or her presence of mind to take non-verbal cues, such as facial expressions and gestures, to understand how the persons around them are feeling. He or she would then use this information, to communicate effectively and empathetically. He or she would make a conscious effort to make others around them feel supported and understood. When surrounded around people with opposing views, emotionally intelligent people do not get triggered and defensive, they use the experience to learn more about themselves and let others be themselves. Such people make people know that their difference of opinion is respected. When it comes to conflict resolution, such people do not let things escalate quickly. Social awareness is helpful in forging mutual respect, new relationships, and genuine trust.

Empathy:

The ability to put yourself in someone’s shoes, and understand the intensity of their emotions, concerns, and needs is empathy. Empathy gives us the skill to anticipate how others might think and react. Empathy is not the same as ‘sympathy’ which is feeling sorry when you see someone in trouble. It is not ‘compassion’ either which is the desire to help someone in need. Empathy is crucial for Emotional Intelligence. For instance, if your friend has undergone a break-up, you let them vent out to you. You don’t ask them to just forget and move on as soon as possible because you know that your friend is not a robot who could erase all his memory. You comfort them and tell them that healing will take time and things will get better.

Relationship Management-In order to build healthy and long-term relationships, we must have enough self-awareness to understand our needs and be able to convey them to others. We must have enough social awareness to understand when others are in distress and ill mood, we must have enough empathy to not hold these emotions against them as something bad instead it should be considered human enough to comfort them and empathize with them.

When we give negative feedback, we must not seem judgmental and condescending. When we are in discussion, we must not get defensive when someone refutes our argument. When we are getting criticism, we must think about our self-improvement and not get triggered. The key is to stay calm, and open and have a listening ear with your friends, family, and colleagues.

Significance of Emotional Intelligence

Students with higher EQ cope with stress exams better. According to a research published in the American Psychological Association, “Students with higher emotional intelligence may be better able to manage negative emotions, such as anxiety, boredom and disappointment, that can negatively affect academic performance.” A study from UC Berkeley has shown that emotional intelligence was four times better at predictor of success than IQ. Therefore,

Furthermore, when it comes to leadership at workplace, it has been found that an emotionally intelligent leader is able to improve the productivity of his employees He or she is able to build and lead teams. He or she makes sure that their employees feel valued. He or she is good is resolving workplace conflicts and determined to improve the workplace satisfaction.

Emotional Intelligent leaders also don’t lose their calm under pressure.

According to research, it has been agreed that emotions also affect our physical health. Therefore, for one’s own personal well-being, to lower your stress and anxiety, to minimise the chances of depression, to be physically and mentally healthy and able to enjoy a good social life, and build emotional intelligence is vital.

Emotional Intelligence in Our Daily Life

Fortunately, emotional intelligence can be improved. It can be learned and practiced. Here, are some of the example of the practical examples of Emotional Intelligence.

You listen without interrupting.
You genuinely take an interest in knowing more about the people.
You empathize and comfort people.
You observe others but are not quick to judge them.
You don’t hold grudges and forgive easily.
You show humility and you are quick to apologize for your mistakes.
You ask people about their viewpoints.
You reflect on your feelings and behaviour.
You are open to constructive criticism and learn from them.
You think before you speak and pause before you react.
You know how to detach from toxic relationships. You make sure to meet the person and explain to them kindly why are you calling quits.

Conclusion

The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it.” ⁠ - Nicholas Sparks

Every emotion has its flavour. To make a wholesome life, we must feel every emotion to its every intensity. One should never feel guilty of feeling sadness, anger, stress, worry et cetra. It is only when we understand these emotions that we can take care of ourselves and others more empathetically. It is only then that we become realistic and practical. To be practical and intelligent is not to be emotionless, it is to be aware of emotions and not enslaved by emotions.

. . .

References:

Discus