Chaos Within causing Chaos Around
Be it some kind of annoyance which is set within you by a random thought pertaining to guilt of past or anxiety of future; be it some kind of stress stirred by workload; be it some kind of panic triggered by a traumatic memory; be it a train of negative thoughts caused by excessive overthinking, if there is chaos within there is going to be chaos around you. Since the chaos inside you is very likely to manifest itself into some kind of conflict.
Contours of Conflicts
You may lose your temper on someone innocent. On slight provocation, you may burst into a sudden outburst and enter into a quarrel. Your friend or sibling may become the victim of the outrage.
You may speak something rude without knowing. Though unintentional and inadvertent, you may fail to realise the degree of pain you inflict to someone. Pain can sink into sub-conscious. You may lose your awareness, that is, you may grow a little mindless. For example, you may get down at the wrong station from metro; you may lose the sense of time; you may lose yourself in a state of trance. You may will feel a little detached and a little lost.
On the other hand, you may feel like tearing down pages, throwing away stuff, and breaking things. This anger is nothing superficial but a deep grief embedded inside you. This is when you have lost the peace of mind.
"Peace is a lifelong war against your own demons" - Anonymous
Conflicts are not always caused by external factors. They may be caused due to own demons i.e internal factors such as stress, anxiety, overthinking, etc. Thus, these demons need to be defeated constantly. Thus, mental strife becomes a requirement to enable a peaceful life.
Are you to blame?
No. Hurting someone may be your fault but feeling hurt and frustrated isn't your fault. You need to pay attention to your needs. Ever vented out to someone, and got told that the problem is you? You may get recommended to mediate, change the way you think and react so on and so forth. I call them: the conventional cures. You may reluctantly agree to it and feel as if you aren't being understood at all. You may feel like they are posing you as a 'problem-producer'.
The Golden Rules: How to help someone?
These are the pieces of advice that one of my friends shared with me and I have systematised them as my golden rules.
If someone is troubled there are three ways to help:
- Listen - Sometimes the person knows how he can figure out things. All he needs is a little bit of empathy to feel better. So listen to them carefully when they vent out. Make them feel like they are being heard and understood genuinely. Don't advise them, unless they seek it from you. It is not every time that a person needs preaching and teaching on what and how to be.
- Advice - If they are a nervous wreck requesting you to provide some solution. First, listen to them and try to understand what they are wanting. Then pour out your words of wisdom which they are willing to receive.
- Change the subject - Sometimes, in a conversation where you're trying to understand their situation you may bring out a topic that they aren't comfortable with. It may be emotionally triggering to them. Be gentle and ask if they want to change the subject. If they say yes, then talk about something else. So, you realised that we seek empathy when we are emotionally troubled.
The Conventional Cures and How to help oneself?
There are many cures one would have heard or read somewhere. It includes meditation, journal-writing, talking to friends, listening to music, digital detox, etc.
Meditation is perhaps the most emphasized cure.
In Meditation, we're told to focus on our breath and being aware of our body and surrounding environment. In the haphazard of busy life and calamitous mind, we lose the self of being alive. We forget that everything is temporary and life is indeed short. Meditation makes us more aware. When we start to regain peace of mind, then the clouds of confusion start disappearing and we become more present and close to reality.
Solutions which we had been desperately seeking, comforts which we have been needing to calm down all come from within. Solution is within you. Healing cannot begin if you don't realise what is the root cause of your troubles. What is its source? If its source is within you, the solution is also within you.
Only you can help yourself, hold yourself strong. At the end of the day, only you can save yourself. Other people will only guide you, but you have to walk that way.
"Mind is a beautiful paradox, it uses itself to understand itself"
Put down the Emotional baggage, that is, vent out your emotions. Know where your mind is leading you? Is it misleading you to believe that you're not good enough? If it is misleading you, why is it so? There must be some reason.
Never take any decisions in a state of agitation. It may prove a failure. A mistake that you will later regret.
First, silence the noise of negativity, be kind to yourself, and let your mind be in your control. Avoid the tendency of saying, "I have lost my mind!" Mind is too precious to be lost. It will become your worst enemy when you feel like it is out of your control. But, it becomes the most useful thing ever if you can conquer it.
"There is little that can withstand a man who can conquer himself" - Louis XIV
Before you conquer anything, conquer your mind for once you've conquered your mind, you become unconquerable.
Always remember whatever you seek is within you. If you seek courage within you, you will find it. If you seek fear within you, you will find it. You have to make the choice. You can't control the behaviour of others or ways of the world, but you can control yourself.
That is the biggest victory. That is how you can be your own hero.