Have you ever had a breakdown out of the blue? You sit and think and try to figure out why you’re feeling this way, but you have no clue. You try to explain and describe these feelings - you feel empty and hurt - you want to let it out, you want to pour out in tears, but you find yourself incapable of doing so. Has been quite a while that you felt like you’re on the verge of tears, but something was blocking this process of emotions? You couldn’t pinpoint what was stopping you from pouring out your innermost feelings. And then one night you’re in bed; you feel the emptiness of the night, and tears just begin streaming down your cheeks and you can’t stop yourself because you feel it was your doing; you pushed everyone away. Only a longing to be comforted in this moment of need, sadness, vulnerability and lack of security. Do you ever find yourself during such moments feeling so helpless that you can’t think of reaching out to anyone, so you resort to spiritual comfort, asking God to comfort you?

Humans are indeed complex beings, and what gives us complexity is our ability to feel and comprehend emotions. Some of us may find it extremely easy to regulate emotions, some of us may let our emotions take control of our lives, and some of us try to mask them by pretending that feelings don’t affect us at all. In this journey of finding meaning, success and happiness, we come up with all sorts of strategies and ways of coping, just to get through life. At times we would feel a surge of confidence taking over and do things we wouldn’t normally do. It might feel good at the spur of the moment, but it is important to ask ourselves “Does this really make me happy? Or is it giving me momentary happiness after which I go back to sulking?” Only few people realise that what we are chasing is instant gratification; and once we understand the very meaning of that, we start looking for genuine happiness. Nonetheless, this is not to say we should not acknowledge the simpler things in life, but the intention is to look deeper within; to be mindful and intentional.

I think it is acceptable to assume that all of us are longing to meet the right people. But in that process, we are forgetting to become better ourselves; not to be confused with selfishness, but self-care and prioritising oneself means you are better able to care others around you and for those that matter to you. The want for an ideal partner stems from the need of external validation, and the moment we realise that we are our own supporter, and that life’s trajectory rests in our hands, we begin to work on ourselves, and we start to heal hidden traumas.

One common dysfunctional pattern that stems from such traumas (also the one which will be focused in this article) is disorganised attachment. This attachment style is developed from old wounds as a child when parents or caregivers fail to respond appropriately to their child’s distress. It can also form when there is inconsistent response to a child’s needs. You might be wondering how this comes to play in our present lives. Well, if you have mixed feelings about close relationships and intimacy, if you strongly desire an emotionally close relationship but at the same time you feel uncomfortable when someone attempts to get emotionally close, then you have a disorganised style of attachment. Such people have negative views about themselves and their partner; they view themselves as unworthy of love and affection, but at the same time are not able to trust their partners’ advances and intentions.

This can be very difficult for someone who has been in a series of failed relationships and is currently in a healthy relationship, or for someone who is completely new to dating and is unable to identify his/her own dysfunctional patterns from what is supposed to be healthy. This can be extremely difficult for both partners if one of them has this attachment style, as they can have trust issues, and they may find it hard to let their partners in and they can have trouble forming lasting relationships. They tend to suppress their emotions; hence they are not very communicative in a relationship.

Now that you’ve identified unhealthy patterns in your life, you might be thinking how do I stop being like this? What can I do to not have trust issues? The answer is quite simple, but it can be very hard to do at first. Remember that these are patterns that we have learnt as a child, these are what made us as children cope with the inconsistencies in childhood, so it would not be so simple to break away from those patterns without healing that inner child first. We need to assure our inner selves that we had no control over what happened to us as children, but we can learn new patterns and we can learn that others can be trusted.

Once you’ve identified that you’re in a healthy relationship with someone who enriches your lives emotionally, you can develop a strong relationship with this secure partner, this teaches you that others can be trusted and you don’t necessarily have to keep your guard up. For some it may be hard to stay in a relationship once the spark is gone or the ‘honeymoon’ phase is over, but it is important to understand and identify what you want out if a relationship, it is important to realise that those ‘butterflies’ aren’t always a good thing, the rush and the adrenaline surge are enjoyable for sure but you need to remind yourself that what you’re looking for is stability and is stability and emotional availability what you receive from this partner?

In order for a person with disorganised attachment style to learn how to be in a long-lasting relationship, they must create a consistent narrative from their memories of their childhood, no longer suppressing or burying past trauma and emotions. This can be done with the help of therapy which is a supportive space in which you get to explore and experience your attachment styles. A professional will guide you and help you slow down and begin to uncover what is beneath the behaviours that hinders you from having the loving and emotionally rich relationships you want.

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