I was there in the courtroom, being the culprit which I thought I was not. Yet it seemed to me I was there because of who I was.

The looks are just for me as I make a step crossing the age-old boundaries. The opinions that startle me all the time, from the ones who matter the most in my life. The eyebrows are raised if I am seen in something I am comfortable with and sharing a moment with someone. Someone who might be there for a reason very different from what you assume. Questions are raised on me when none are raised on someone of the opposite gender. Am I here to live my life or am I here in a courtroom? A courtroom filled with many who just sit there to hear and look at what is going on. A room of people who have the right and freedom to question me and make remarks about who I am and my character. A courtroom where I answer as a culprit. A culprit who knows not about the crime she committed. The case opens with a statement or rather a question. The crime I did commit, what was I doing being so late to get back? Questions, one after the other, with none of my answers being acceptable. Whatever I had to say was taken as a cooked-up story. They kept questioning me and then I realised, my crime was not only being late to get back home. My crime was who I was.

Strange it is and so true that no matter how much we progressed, no matter how educated and advanced we are and have made the world, we have not been able to break the shackles of the society that has been considered, old, obsolete, backward and so closed. We might call ourselves modern but we have still not been able to break the narrow-mindedness of a society which has , we thought, been left behind. I thought you had changed so much from what it was when you allowed me education. I thought you had changed when you celebrated my birth. I thought you changed when I heard you speak in favour of women's empowerment and freedom. I heard you giving that principled talk to so many who were still questioning the change. Today I realised you had not because I was here standing in this courtroom.

I had completed my education, made you proud, and saw you celebrate my achievements. I started working and felt good that I could contribute to our lives. I thought always I was blessed to be here as you helped me move ahead in life. I started a job and kept working but then I saw you getting a bit hassled and also dominating. Me, who was no more a child but an adult. There were times when the workload would be immense and I would come home on time and work late at night. There were times when I needed to be in the office to attend an official engagement or project that had to be done with my colleagues. There were times when I was on my screen or on a call that lasted long. To be more attentive and avoid disturbance and distraction I would move aside and continue conversation. At times I needed to close my door as there was an online meeting I needed to attend. The problem began now and gradually I realised or I can say I never imagined my home turning into a courtroom.

The proceedings were never in my favour and strange it was for me to see both genders questioning me. What do I say to someone like me, who was there, whom I thought of not trying to understand my point of view? I could not even understand the man of the house doing so. He had himself portrayed as a sensible, open-minded and modern person in society. A man who ‘allowed’ his daughter to step out. Yet the same person had a different point of view in this courtroom, called home. I could understand the woman in the house who never had anyone helping her choose what she wanted to do in her life. She could understand the work environment but not as much as she was always inside, busy being the perfect homemaker to her husband. She always dreamt to be like one of the dynamic, strong, confident women in society. She could not, being dependent on her better half for the smallest of things.

But a man who has always had the privilege to be out, with no questions raised or opinions made. A man who knew what a job is all about, being the legitimate bread earner and heir to his family. How could you question me? Don’t you do the same thing in your workspace. Do you not interact with opposite genders? Don’t you get so late from work that your wife waits to serve you food? Don’t you be on calls or in closed-door meetings? Nobody ever questions you. Then why me?

As I said I was here because of who I was. Gender equality is a vague term for me. Though gradually there are some of my generation trying to bring it in. What about society which has had its own opinions change, depending on which gender it is for? No brows raised, no questions asked if the boy or man is late. If you do a question, you never get an answer and there is no consequences. When a girl or woman is late there is so much to say.

But today I understood why the courtroom is for me it is for my safety. I understand now when I see around me. The man of the house who had so much to say, had given me wings but only to fly till where he could see. The man who would show his worry in anger and disgusting statements, that would hurt. The lady who would keep asking me from time to time. I would get so frustrated with this and would at times lose my cool. Now I know they were on a standby all the time. It was not that the questions were put for me. There were allegations against them as well. Some from my side too, for not letting me be free from their control. They were called overprotective. They were called controlling, rigid, backward and what not. While I was in a courtroom here, in my safe place. They too were in a courtroom of their social circle. I do not know who was right or wrong. I guess we both had a valid opinion. In the world today, opinions matter, as I understand.

Not the one who has gone through the pain, penalised for the only crime, that she wanted to step out and make a mark, an identity. The one who never knew that the ones who have an opinion, never spoke a word when she was in trouble. They were mute and just criticising everything she normally did, which was acceptable to be done by the opposite gender. There were many of the opposite gender who were concerned but had no say. For a few or I should say the many amongst a few. Little confused I am here, are there only a few or are there many? How do I know as for me if they, ‘ the strong and sensible’ gender is in large numbers, then why should I feel insecure? I never knew amongst them were those who cared less about my age, who cared less that they had women or girls in their homes, ready to make it difficult for me to survive. Difficult to be recognised if God forbid something happened to me.

The only thing I now understood and which was true was that the proceedings were the concern, love and care for me that came out in a strict, strong manner and in a way that I now understood why.

.    .    .