I was so immersed in the work of literature when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I saw the drifting of yellow maple leaves falling heavily with a slight croon of wind.

Looking at the leaves constantly knocking at the clear window pane before mingling with the parched land, I feel disappointed. It’s the arrival of the most difficult season for me. As I never get sleep in summers. Quite weird, yeah! I didn't understand the reason behind it. After a brief period I stopped looking for answers and accepted it this way. Sometimes it’s good to stop looking for answers.

Image by Jill Wellington from Pixabay 

However, the last three summers went easy on me. Liam was there with me. I’m grateful to him for reducing the time period of those summer nights over calls. I miss those late night calls more than anything else. The conversation we had at that time was not something of my interest. But I loved listening to him.

“You’re a boring person, Zosia. You hardly talk about something of my interest.” Liam let out an exasperated sigh over the phone one day.

All I could say was, “I’m trying my best. Just give me some time.”

That reply didn’t harmonize well with my inner thoughts. I never defended myself in front of him as I had this lurking fear of losing him which restrained me from speaking my heart out to him. I kept on forcing myself to think like him to please him.

I have always been a sucker of stories. People who have stories are my favorite. I love listening and narrating stories. However, with Liam it didn’t work out. He was more of a virtual person who never tolerated himself to be on fantasy land even for a second. So, I stopped talking about metaphors, foreign lands, aesthetics and a lot more when he didn’t show any kind of interest. I started talking about his interest which he thought was exciting.

I tried convincing him that it will take some time for a person like me to abandon her world in order to enter his world. I put my effort to blend well with the color of his world. Later, I discovered that his world had a palette of different shades of two colors – Black and white, unlike my kaleidoscopic world.

I’m sure for Liam also my world would have looked black and white. If only he visited it once. Alas! He never.

Some of the summer nights I spent in the clubs. Sitting lonely and guzzling down the lake of drinks into my stomach. My club visits became very frequent. I had found an unhealthy way to survive through the sleepless nights. Along with the blessing of surviving the nights, it also blessed me with filling up the void for some time at least. Amid the loud music, dim light and the grooving bodies, my distressed and complaining mind became numb. I appreciate it. Stalking couples was one of my favorite pastimes in the club.

“I really like the way you kiss. It's passionate and wild.” Liam whispered.

I beamed with joy, grabbed his collar and kissed him again.

If only I took a moment to be vocal about the magic of his presence beside me, maybe I wouldn’t have to bear the burden of unspoken words. My evenings and nights wouldn’t be this dark. Life is unpredictable though and this fact makes me optimistic. I’ll tell him if he returns some day how our togetherness made me abandon the mundane affairs and how his warm hugs made me think that the world is a happy place.

*  *  *

I welcomed the rain with a beaming smile. Rain always makes me ecstatic. The arrival of rain makes me hopeful and less burdened as this is an indication that I’ll soon get a good sleep. I’m watching the rain shower from my balcony. It's like a therapy, observing the pitter-patter of raindrops while sipping my freshly brewed coffee. But the coffee tastes bitter now, like everything I taste. I wonder if this bitterness is the gift of that one person in our lives who left us for reasons we often consider mere. But again, I think we all have the right to choose happiness and for this reason I never judge people. I let them go. I never waste my last words on people who decided to leave.

However, I laugh hysterically recalling the words of people which I trusted, which made me fall for them. Even the words can't be trusted anymore as the owner of those words changes like seasons. Those sweet words become slow poison with the change of season and change of heart which eventually stir the poison in our lives.

I feel utterly disappointed if not the words then what is enough to trust a person.

I closed my eyes inhaling the earthy smell of raindrops.

“Your choice of song is terrible, Zosia. I wonder if something is wrong with you,” mocked Liam while driving.

Feeling sad, I stopped the music.

That day or every single day when he mocked my choices I chose to stay quiet. As I always believe if a person can't understand your silence he won't understand your words as well. If only my words would be worthy enough of seeking his interest I would have told him the love songs I used to hum or listen to were dear to me. I found myself a healer in the form of those lyrics which this silly soul of mine yearned for you to say those words to me, it never happened. So, I crafted a parallel universe and imagined those lyrics coming from the song as your words for me. I constantly feed myself with those lyrics wherever I feel lonely. Soon those songs began to accompany me in my loneliness and happiness and gave me shoulder to sob on.

*  *  *

The weather has become pleasant now. The gleaming display of gold and crimson leaves are the best features of Autumn. I finally heard the pleadings of my unfit body and started exercising in the park to be in good shape again. I befriended a few people there. After a long time, I felt inhaling positivity and light in me.

We are going on an outing today. I accidently found our picture in my oldest diary which has become a grave of dried out rose petals given by Liam. I turned some pages of my dearest diary which I stopped visiting after Liam left me. I averted my eyes at the picture. We both looked happy. I wonder why I should keep the memories of a person who left me but then I thought about those moments of joy we shared and then I dug that picture deep into the diary again. Memories must remain flawless and impeccable from the outbreak of unfortunate endings. One can keep the memories if they are not holding a grudge.

“Let's end it here, Zosia. We both are different. You can't seem to change yourself like I wanted you to be,” Liam hesitantly declared.

“Didn’t I warn you the first time you proposed to me that we are different. You used to say that you love me the way I’m. I tried hard to change myself as you never accepted me the way I’m.” I asked him. My eyes formed a crystal layer which soon streamed down my cheeks.

“I’m sorry. I don't feel the same way. I don't want to hurt you, Zosia but I can't keep you in the dark, right. Move on and…take care.” He uttered and walked off. He didn’t turn back.

After he left me, I became silent. My pillow is the witness of my tears which I wasted on one of those sleepless nights. I missed him like evenings miss sunsets. I waited for him like the oysters wait for the first drop of rain. He became unaccomplished yesterday. It becomes difficult to forget someone whom you see in your dreams, hear in every melody, and smell in every fragrance. Some day I felt like he had become a canker of my heart. With the passing time only I got the perfect understanding of him. He was a hard learned wisdom and a lesson. Soon I grew ignorant of the pain of the canker and it healed by itself. I realized that I was never with him, I only felt empty and he made use of my emptiness to fill himself in more than me.

*  *  *

I’m happily taking out my woolen clothes as the weather has become cold. Yes, Winters have arrived and so is…Liam. But this time I chose myself and above all, my sleep. That sleep which I eagerly wait for throughout the year. It is the most happy season of my life.

“Forgive me. Please come back to me.” He pleaded

“I can’t.” I said.

“Can we meet once, please?” He asked.

“Search me in the comment section of YouTube of those glorious 90s songs. You’ll find the most precious and honest pieces of me in the form of words for you. Reciprocate that sincerity that I had for you in your words, if possible. I’ll be happy to meet you there at least.” I said and ended the call.

That night, I slept for what seemed like an age.

.     .     .