In a country still governed by laws of propriety and social validation, marriage as an institution is rarely looked at objectively. Amid religious, caste, economic, physical and geographical constraints, the woman is often treated as a commodity rather that a person. Are we, as a country, too blind to the plight of the Indian bride?

The Start of Strife

Our education system, formal and otherwise, teach us to see marriage as a scared duty; the obvious culmination of an individual’s life. However, very little is done to prepare us for the act and very little is done when things go sideways.

Historically, India has a much lower divorce rate than the rest of the world; one in a hundred marriages end in permanent separation. Does that mean than Indian marriages are stronger? No, it means that the social stigma of divorce is so strong for the woman, that she would rather endure a shoddy partnership rather than end the misery once and for all.

The toll of a bad marriage is still heavy for a woman, especially if she is not financially independent. Usually, there are children involved which further complicates matters. Women are expected to do more, tolerate more, suffer more and endure more than the husband. Knowing this, women still walk into the marital institution with hope; mostly an unrealized one.

From the day of the wedding to her last breath, the woman is constantly judged, chided and often, made to feel less-than, simply because she is an outsider. She is expected to change years of habits, rituals, mannerisms, likes, dislikes, hobbies and even, food preferences simply because she is married. And most of the pressure comes from within the household.

A wife is expected to takeover duties from the mother-in-law with very little forthcoming in the way of instruction or guidance. It may not be overt but there is forever a feeling of ‘other’ that comes from within the family. And this feeling is constant. The new wife is made to feel as welcome as a permanent medical affliction – to be borne and suffered.

And through all this, the new bride has to change. She has to alter the way she thinks and feels almost overnight and little is done to bolster the frail mental state of a scared and unsure woman. This is where the strife begins. On the very first day.

The Many Battles

It is not always but often and it isn’t everyone but most. Truer words have not been said for Indian marriages. Whether arranged or otherwise, a woman is expected, asked to change. And most women do so is the sincere hope that changing would help ease the transition. They swallow their pride, their desire, their wants and their feelings, hoping that time would make it easier. Untrue.

The more one’s feelings are buried, the greater the degree of unrest within. On the outside, the wife is constantly monitored, discussed and adjusted. Some families may mean well but there is little to no concern as to what these little ‘adjustments’ do to the woman.

Some women are lucky and have understanding partners but such luck is in short supply and most men want and prefer an easy life. Most husbands try to fix emotional issues with logical solutions. This works about as well as a glassful of petrol on a candle. Without the right mental or emotional support, most women turn inwards burying their problems deep.

The lack of support from the new family, the dilemma of worrying one’s birth family, the ultra-logical spouse and the dozens of demands on the new bride begin to weigh too much. A small part of her dies each day and because she lives this life alone, no one sees and no one notices. The new bride is on a route to self-destruction.

It may take months, years, even decades, but one fine morning, the carefully constructed but fragile façade of normality and forced happiness will collapse. It is not a question of if, but one of when. And this breakdown manifests in a number of ways, some creative, most destructive.

Some women turn to art or develop hobbies to sublimate these feelings of being ‘incomplete’. Most women turn to alcohol, drugs, or plain and simple violence. Ever wonder where most mothers-in-law get their venom? It comes from years of repressed desires, sacrifices and unfulfilled wishes.

And the cycle continues on from one generation to the next with no solution is sight. There is an answer but who has the time to emotionally support a wife and mother? Other women, that’s who.

If there is a new woman in your family make the effort. It is easier to judge and quip and taunt, but what counts is when you withhold said judgement, teach instead of joke, explain in place of blame. Offer whatever little comfort you can. Speak for her, with her rather than at her. Make space for her and her nuances. When change is the only constant in her life, make the transition easier rather than an insurmountable task.

Talking is easy but the action goes against centuries of tearing the other ‘new’ woman down for not knowing or being different. If you try, so will others. If you change for her, she will willingly change for you and yours. Be the support system you wish to have.

To those who have fought and failed, stay strong. When you break only you suffer. For those who have found contentment, share it with those who have not. And for those who have risen above, help others rise too.

The new bride is fragile and scared and all too ready to surrender, be the hand that acclimatizes her to her new environment. For all brides, new or old, feel the same way.

Everything was new, all novel & frightening.
Yet, I walked in, seemingly eager.
The people were different, wary & mistrusting.
Yet, I smiled. My courage fake, meager.
Worries & feelings of inadequacy assault.
Yet, I try to behave as well as one should.
Loneliness & fear lurk to a fault.
Yet, I stand as best as I could.
The novelty wears off but not the dread.
Yet, I persevere to fit in.
The years trudge on with little said.
Yet, I survive. Sweat coating my skin.
And, after all this time has passed,
Yet, I wait for my heart to fill.
My world is no longer mine
Yet, I hope. I do still.

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