Let me begin by stating that I am no expert. In fact, I am the farthest one can get from being an expert. I am neither educated nor experienced enough. However, I have lived a rich life that has shaped me into a thinking individual. While the world tries to settle into normality, this is my attempt to make some sense of what is happening to me and people like me – mothers.

Mothers have been glorified, raised to goddess status, slurred against, and insulted; sometimes, all in the same breath. Mothers have been touted to bring about the rise of stars and the ruin of dynasties. Mothers are often believed to be larger-than-life personalities who are capable of changing the very course of the earth’s axis. I disagree and I think this is unfair. You do not have to agree with me but I am about to state a few realities about mothers and the overrated virtue that is motherhood. I may cause you some discomfort and for that, I apologize in advance. But I will not be sorry for raising questions about the way mothers are treated, are expected to behave, fit into molds created by society, or are expected to simply do more. I will not comply with the generally accepted prospects of motherhood and wish only to understand why the world begins to overreact when a mother decides to stand up for herself.

Once a woman gives birth, she is either relegated to just being a mother or glorified as the 'giver of life' depending on which part of the world you belong to. Like clockwork, a woman's life changes from the moment she falls pregnant. This change is ever-evolving and the role never ends. It is a 24-hour, 7-day-a-week commitment that takes a toll on mental health, physical capability, and finances. Regardless of the many investments that a woman makes towards the role, she is rewarded with too little; often nothing. Some would disagree, claiming that the joys of motherhood are reward enough. This is not true. In fact, it is the oldest lie in the world. Mothers are judged constantly. Not just by society, family, and offspring but by the mothers themselves as well. So internalized are the expectations from a mother, that she herself cannot think for herself – as a person; a living, breathing, feeling human being. That is where the disconnect is and that is what needs to be rectified or at least, addressed.

The greatest of motherhood issues is the lack, or rather the absence, of choice. Women become mothers for several reasons – accidents, familial pressure, spousal requirements, or an innate need within themselves to start a family. Once a mother, the woman no longer has any choice left. In the beginning, the absence of possibilities is not as stark. But this inability to choose when to sleep, what clothes to wear, what to eat, when to eat, how to sleep, and where to go, consumes a woman like nothing ever has or will. Most women are mentally equipped to let this restricted lifestyle continue as 'maternal love' is supposed to be all-forgiving, However, for some, this situation becomes dire. Until, one day, she locked herself in the bathroom, crying her eyes out, not knowing why or how to stop the downpour of tears. This is only the first crack in the veneer that is motherhood. Somewhere, within all mothers, lies this purple hate for opportunities lost simply because they are mothers. It has happened to me and it is ugly. And I cannot say this to anyone because the moment I do, I become a 'bad mother'.

This is no exaggeration. Let me explain with an example. I am a reader. I have loved books since I was a child and have read anything that comes my way. At the age of 32, I became a mother. I did not pick up a book or buy a new one or even think about reading for 4 years. Not because I did not want to but because I could not. I was constantly on call – changing diapers, cooking, cleaning, caring, and cooing at my child. And this took a toll on my everyday reserve of energy. I would vow to read before I went to bed, but I would often fall asleep before I even had a chance to think. No choice. Even the simple want to read a few paragraphs was denied to me because of my responsibility towards my child. And this is only one of the many wants that I had to put aside for the better of my child. This happens to every woman and she is supposed to swallow her desires and get on with it. This is unfair.

The moment a mother decides to do something for herself, she is deemed selfish, unthinking, irresponsible, and called a few other choice words. When does a woman stop being a person and only a mother? Is it not possible to be both? Is it wrong to be both? These are questions no one wants to ask because of the Armageddon it would unleash. A mother can be both; should be both, guiltlessly. But that is not even an idea yet. There are books on childcare, motherhood habits, and rearing of perfect children, but find me a book that addresses the stress of becoming, staying, and surviving being a mother. The concept of motherhood is so sacred that no one wishes to even think about a change in the status quo.

Motherhood is a job you cannot quit. It is a life-long commitment that is always asking for more. A woman is asked to make constant withdrawals from herself so that she can invest in her children. The upbringing of a child is no small task and her contribution is vital. From breastmilk to the occasional rapture she can unleash, she is constantly on guard; watching, correcting, cajoling, requesting, and fixing. She becomes a teacher, a carpenter, an electrician, a doctor, and a nutritionist without any of the qualifications but with all of the asks. She is constantly vigilant, checking the safety and the behavior of her children. But the cost is high. You see, what many do not see, is the relentlessness. The demands that society and herself make are unreasonable at the best of times. The infrastructure provided to mothers is minimal if existing at all. I am not even beginning to address the plethora of mental health issues a mother faces. The constant stress alone is enough to send the weakest of our species into cardiovascular shock. And yet, the mother endures, the façade intact and forever forgiving. Not because she wants to but because of an innate need to conform to society's ridiculous notions of motherhood and its potential.

Many become mothers out of choice and there is no judgement here. My only ask is what if, a mother wished for something else some of the time? Yes, there are working mothers but show me a working mother who leaves for work without guilt and worry in her heart. Or show me a mother who goes out for a girls' night out and doesn't call home to 'check in. Some women fail at being mothers, yes, I agree. But I am not talking about them. I'm talking about you, the woman next door, and your fourth-grade teacher who are all mothers and women. But the woman bit is somewhat diminished. They may be functioning but beneath the smiles and the pretty outfits, they may be barely holding together. Where are the support systems - the family that promised to help, the spouse who swore to stay up, and the grandparents who vowed to keep the kids busy? Why are all the burdens on the shoulders of the mother alone and when will she be able to put them down? 

.    .    .