It was a cold night and I was 16, walking with this 17 year old, hand in hand. His hold was warm and I liked it. Suddenly he stopped me under a lamp post in an empty lane. He came near me and put his lips over mine. I was shocked but it was warm. After breaking the kiss, we started walking again and he started speaking about how he felt kissing me; those chills down his spine, those butterflies in his stomach, that shiver inside him and... the sexual urge in him. I kept moving my head as if I'm agreeing to his every spoken and non-spoken word; but inside my head I was confused as hell. Why didn't I feel any of that? Where were my chills, those butterflies, that shiver or that so-called sexual urge? I was confused as hell, so hesitantly I asked him to kiss me again, not showing my real intent to him obviously. He was on cloud nine; he came near me, grabbed my waist with his one hand and held my nape from the other. And put his shivering warm lips on my stiffened cold lips. This time he put his tongue inside me and his hands started moving upwards and downwards. The whole time, I was trying to find those butterflies and urges inside me but I couldn't. I just couldn't feel it. He sensed the tension in me and stopped. He then looked into my eyes and apologised, "Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't control myself. I promise I won't do that again without your permission." He then kissed me on the forehead. I was silent and in silence, we went to our respective homes. I was happy for the warmth that I felt with him, but him speaking about those sexual urges and his hands moving around my body didn't give me any sensation. I was shocked and felt cheated by myself only. I never had much expectations for my first kiss unlike my friends, who went head over heels for that.

'Maybe that's my first so I was shocked. Next time it'll be good.' 'But we kissed twice. I should've felt something inside me besides the warmth.' 'Am I not like others? Do I have some kinda problem inside me?' 'No no no. This can't be. I'm alright. Yes. I was tense. And nothing else. I'll definitely feel those gthe next time.' Thoughts like these didn't let me sleep that night.

I tried kissing several other times just to feel that sensation.

One of my friends, when I asked for her advice, told me that it'll be fine when I'll be having sex. 'Mixed emotions or some kinda hormonal imbalances whatever. They are just playing with my head and nothing else', I thought.

Once we were having sex. He undressed me, then himself. Kissed me all over. But there was me, lying numb, trying to find out what's happening inside me. 'Why can't I feel anything? Is something really wrong with me?'

Then I did everything he asked me to. I felt pain and sweaty skins were just making me feel more irritated. It felt nasty and weird. I felt nauseous, so I stopped him and tried to make him understand what I feel. He was frustrated after knowing the reason and left me there.

Now how could I explain to him that being with him I felt the warmth and I loved him a lot but whenever he touched me sexually, I didn't feel anything but confused and resented.

I went to my friend crying, told her everything. Her look was kinda disgusting towards me, but kept her cool and tried to make me understand. Not only her, there were many I sought help from, including my mom and everyone said the same thing. "It's natural dude. Why would you make a fuss outta it? That's the best feeling in the world; like heavens on earth, bla bla bla...." Wasn't able to listen more. One of them once asked, "Don't you know that's the best feeling when in love?" "What's love?", I asked, getting frustrated beyond my control and crying. She was angry but still bit the bullet and answered, "That cute goofy feeling, that churning in your stomach, the butterflies inside, sensual urge, rapid heartbeats, pleasurable pain of anxiety when you meet your lover and shivering, chills down your bones." 'What the fuck! Why am I not able to feel any of this?', thought in my mind and I came back without saying another word.

Someone once told me that I am maybe an asexual. I had never heard that term before. I went home and googled all about it and finally felt at peace that I'm not alone and it certainly isn't a disease. That I'm very much normal.

I tried speaking up to my mom a lot of times, told her I don't feel anything for anyone, that I wanna live at my own; but she didn't listen and told what everyone told that I'm not normal and for evrything that I despised, I heard, "It's natural. Accept that."

Yeah, then I sought help from different doctors and religious gurus, did all the rituals my mom asked me to. They did nothing but made me resent and hate everything around me, including my own skin, more and more every passing day.

So here I am officially.

I'm 32, mother of 2 notorious kids and wife of a gentleman. But I still can't fall asleep, I feel nasty everytime it happens. I go, take a long shower trying to wash off each and every touch. But no one knows that. I tried to confront my husband but he just thinks that I'm making silly excuses and that 'There's always a YES hidden inside a girl's NO.'

So here I am accepting everything and dying a bit everyday with my reality, my identity, and my choices being thrown in a deep sea and never to be found again.

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