Subir was contemplating something while alone on his balcony. His life is distorted, and he is constantly upset and in distress. Even with a known crowd around him, he cannot find any solace, and he is completely alone. He is the only person living alone in a 1200-square-foot, fully furnished apartment in Garia, Kolkata. He has friends, co-workers, and chat buddies, but everyone always returns to their own lives, where they have loved ones, they can claim as their own. When he does, however, he discovers that he is the only person left to live with.
He sits down early in the winter morning and drinks coffee from his mug. The sun rose and shone brightly on him, reminding him that he was still in the dark because of what had happened in his life 23 years before. He can only blame himself for his mess. His thoughts involuntarily wandered back down the memory lane.
He picked up the phone as soon as it started ringing, cutting through the morning's silence. In the office, there was only him and the office maid who comes early to clean before anyone arrives. He arrived early because he was expecting a call from her. A sweet romantic start to his day was what he desired to hear in her sweet voice.
“Good morning, Subir.” Her sweet soothing voice felt so good to his ear as he wished her back. They spoke for 15 more minutes as always before hanging up as other colleagues and his boss showed up for the day.
They both have never seen each other, yet the connection they built up with each other was unfathomable. Their wanting to hear each other’s voices and engage in a conversation for whatever time they get was really intense and beautiful.
One day it so happened they decided to meet with each other. They wanted to see each other in person. Those days in 2000, there were many who didn’t have a mobile phone in their hands and they were among them. Moreover, she was not that tech-savvy to have an email account of her own. Thus, there was no way that they could have shared each other’s pictures. So, they fixed a day, the time, and a place of meeting out of a thorough discussion.
The anticipation and excitement of meeting each other for the first time and seeing each other had literally made their hearts pound on the very day. They had fallen in love with their voices, and the way they converse and convey their feelings but seeing has always been of greater value. They had been weaving many scenes and stories of their meeting in their own minds by just imagining things.
Subir got off the bus and walked towards the street where they decided to meet. Sunayana was already waiting for him desperately. Her heartbeats were racing. At times, she even felt she might collapse out of sheer tension and nervousness. Subir’s limbs were unstable as he walked on the footpath which seemed longer than ever.
She told him she would be in a green frock and he informed her that he would be wearing a blue T-Shirt. Finally, both the colours seemed visible to each other as the distance between them started to lessen. Their eyes were searching for each other’s faces desperately to know the persons whom they have been talking with for the last three months or so.
Their eyes met and they knew, they found each other. The joy in Sunayana’s heart was overflowing seeing the handsome and smart Subir nearing her. She blushed as a sweet glee appeared on her face but Subir… He seemed to be a bit disoriented. He felt his heart stop beating for a moment and everything simply paused around him.
“Hi, Subir?” She enquired looking at the person standing quietly in front of her.
He simply nodded his head to confirm.
She posed another question, “How are you? Are you alright?”
He realized he needs to talk. He forced a wry smile and replied quickly, “Yeah, yeah. I am fine. Thanks. How are you? How long have you been waiting here?”
“Not very long, I am alright.” She replied with her lips pressed tight to each other. After studying him for a few seconds, she asked, “I guess you didn’t like what you saw, right Subir?”
Subir understood Sunayana had caught him off guard. But he pretended to hide how he was feeling and asked squinting his eyebrows, “What do you mean, Sunayana?”
“I can read your reactions, Subir. I am so acquainted with those reactions from most of the men when they look at my skin colour, ugly face, and dull persona.” She shrunk and lowered her head down.
Those words hit Subir hard. He realized he was too naive to let her read his reactions so easily. He definitely was a little disappointed seeing her quite different than how he had expected her to be but he never wanted to hurt her feelings in any manner. He gathered all his strength and placed his both palms on her shoulders. “It’s not like that how you are thinking, Sunayana. I am just nervous seeing you in front of me unlike how I seemed to you over the phone,” he thought he managed well to justify his silence but it is always very difficult to convince a woman.
Sunayana pretended to be convinced though she wasn’t. But she didn’t want to make Subir uncomfortable. She was way more mature than him. Her life had taught her to grow up in maturity as she trod the path of such negative reactions and rejections from people since she was a little child.
The meeting of those two love birds ended, finally. But there was no fire and no excitement they carried back in their hearts. They were both feeling a coldness encompassing them from all around. There was complete silence from both sides for the next couple of days. And when she finally decided to check on him, he excused himself by saying he was busy with an important assignment. She understood and broke down completely. She had faith in Subir. She thought he was different. But…
Subir came to his senses as the sweet soothing ringtone of his cell phone pierced through his memory bringing him back to his present state of mind. He picked it up and spoke to his client while checking the time… “Yes… yes… I apologize for the delay; I am starting right away for the meeting… will surely reach within an hour…”
He hung up the phone and got ready before leaving his flat, fading away in the street into his daily grind of life, but the guilt he felt for hurting her that day remained with him like a thorn in his flesh.